My wife tried to hide my daughter from me. Am I wrong to feel this angry?

A Reddit user shared a deeply emotional situation where their wife attempted to hide the user’s biological daughter, born from a sperm donation made years ago, from contacting them. Despite the user being upfront about their donation, the wife told the 18-year-old daughter that the user wanted “nothing to do with her.”

After the daughter mustered the courage to call again and explained what happened, the user was heartbroken and confronted their wife, leading to a heated argument. The user is struggling to process the betrayal and wondering if their anger is justified. For the full story and community advice, read below…

‘ My wife tried to hide my daughter from me. Am I wrong to feel this angry?’

My wife and I are married together and have three kids (11, 8, 3). When I was in my 20s I donated sp*rm as there is a massive shortage in my country (I literally donated after reading about this shortage in the newspaper). I’ve always been upfront about this fact with me wife. Always. And she has always said she’s okay with it.

Fast forward to yesterday I answer the phone to a girl that immediately starts nervously apologising for calling me, but that she “had to speak with me personally.” Obviously I have no idea what the f**k is going on, so I ask her to explain what she’s talking about.

Turns out this girl is my daughter (I understand it’s wrong to call her my daughter when I didn’t raise her, but for lack of a better word…) and just turned 18. After turning 18 she got access to my contact details as required under my country’s law regarding sp*rm donors. She called my house last week to talk to me and my wife picked up.

Apparently my wife told her that I wanted “nothing to do with her” and that she should “never call this number again” before hanging up. Honestly broke my heart to hear that the woman I loved could be so f**king heartless. So for the last week this poor girl has been crying her eyes out trying to work up the courage to call again, and thankfully she did so when I was home.

I tried to keep my calm while on the phone and reassure her that I did not say any of that. We organised a place/time to meet, and as soon as my wife got home later that night I blew up at her. Honestly, I’ve NEVER yelled at anyone as long as I can remember, but I couldn’t hold it in.

Am I wrong to think that’s so severely fucked up of my wife to do? I honestly can’t comprehend how she could say that. I’m not thinking straight and need some advice on how to deal with this.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Fish— −  Your wife should have told you, and then talk seriously about maybe that she wanted you not to reach out. Ultimately she should have left the decision with you. And telling the poor girl you wanted nothing to do with her was very cruel.

[Reddit User] −  Wait, wait, wait. There was a shortage of sp*rm? I can’t get past this.

Mussie76 −  What she did was wrong, how you handle this, well thats up to you. She is afraid of loosing her little happy life.. Seen this personally.. I suggest that you get calm and:. Ask for an apology. Telk her how dissapointed in her you are. Make it clear you love her but that this is unacceptable.

Ask her if she really thinks you love her so little that you would let your family fall apart because you met someone who just happens to be related to you.. This is about her fear.. Good Luck

[Reddit User] −  That was not your wife’s call to make. She was wrong to hide it from you rather than discuss it with you. It’s obvious the idea of you contacting this woman upsets her, but this is something that she should talk out with you. My advice is to ask her why it bothers her so much, get some dialogue going and reassure her.

Because whatever it is that she’s worried about is probably b**lshit. Make sure to make it clear that the dishonesty is a major problem. That you are a couple, and couples tackle situations such as these together. This will both reassure her and make her internalise why her actions were unacceptable.

RogerVanRabbit −  I would have blown up as well. That’s so far out of line, I can’t even. How did she react while you were tearing into her? Will you give any update on the meeting with the daughter?

peacock_shrimp −  I mean, it was wrong of your wife, but I understand how she could be feeling. “My husband has a child with another woman” is one option. Yes, it’s not rational, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a valid thing to be upset about. You’d sure as hell be upset if it turned out your wife had a kid she’d never told you about, and that kid wanted to be part of your lives.

“My oldest kid isn’t my husband’s oldest child”. “I have no idea how to explain to my kids that they have a sister.” “What if he likes this kid better than our kids, because he never had to change diapers for this one?” “What if the mother wants to meet him, what does that make me when she’s also the mother of his child?”

“I don’t want to share my husband’s time with another family, and I don’t want to play happy families with someone else’s kid.” “What if he wants to spend holidays with her instead of our kids?” “What if he thinks he needs to ‘make up for lost time’ and she becomes the focus of his attention instead of the three-year-old?” “Does this mean new financial pressure?

We’re not ready to put an 18-year-old through college.” It’s understandable that she just wanted to make it go away. Like I said, it’s not right, and you have a right to be angry, but let’s not act like your wife wasn’t justified in being upset about this.

heywhatsmynameagain −  Not right of her at all. But she might have panicked. Hearing that over the phone is a big f**king deal, and a potentially life changing event. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and sit her down and talk to her calmly about it (when you are both calm). You will find out quickly if you need to keep yelling, or if she just needs to apologize from the heart to the girl and you.

ladyughsalot −  It wasn’t acceptable. I’m not going to call her heartless though. She did not expect the call. You never discussed any sort of protocol for this situation and honestly now it’s been 18 years I’m surprised you didn’t prepare.. She panicked. She wanted to protect what she’s built with you and reacted. **Badly**.

So yes make it clear it was not okay and has severely damaged your trust. But also maintain some perspective.

gzrTT −  No idea on how you should feel here, but after reading your story, I guess I couldn’t marry a sp*rm donor – which is actually good to know. So, thanks for sharing 🙂

Do you think the user’s anger towards their wife is justified? How would you navigate repairing trust in this situation while addressing the emotional needs of all parties involved? Share your thoughts and advice below!