WIBTA if I didn’t tell my daughter’s friend’s mom an event is mother-daughter?

A mom is faced with a dilemma regarding her daughter Maddie’s close friend Louise, who wants to attend a mother-daughter school event without her own mother. Louise has a strained relationship with her mom and asked the mom to keep this a secret.

While the mom understands the desire for Louise to choose who supports her, she’s concerned about potentially hurting Louise’s mom by not informing her.

‘ WIBTA if I didn’t tell my daughter’s friend’s mom an event is mother-daughter?’

So my daughter “Maddie” (12) has a friend “Louise”, who is in her class at school. They’re very close. Louise spends a lot of time at our home, she’s a great kid. But she and her mom b**t heads a lot, which is why she is so often out of the house.

The girls’ school has an event coming up that is a “mother-daughter” event. Obviously you don’t have to bring your biological mom if you have a stepmom/aunt/grandmother who is your primary caregiver though. Anyway, Louise was supposed to stay over the night before the event and I said I’d take both girls.

But when I mentioned I presumed we’d be meeting Louise’s mom there, Louise said her mom wasn’t coming. I said I was sorry and asked if her mom was busy and she said no, she just didn’t want her mom to come. Maddie then asked if I would participate as Louise’s “mom” at the event as well as hers.

I tried to persuade Louise to tell her mom but she said no and said if I didn’t want to do the event with her that was okay, but could I please not tell her mom that mothers were going. I was very noncommittal about it and actually got saved by my husband coming home. I don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, Louise’s mom would probably be hurt and really mad at me if I didn’t tell her, mom to mom. She hasn’t really been keen on our girls being friends and is never shy about not liking me much. On the other hand, she knows where Louise will be, it’s not like it’s a safety issue.

And it’s a school event and Louise doesn’t want her there. I kind of agree she should have who she wants there. Louise has it tougher than other kids at school, and when her mom is around she feels even more like she doesn’t fit in.

I’ve been the kid at school with the “weird” parents, it can be isolating. So would I be the a**hole for keeping Louise’s confidence and just letting her go to the event alone?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Kaynico −  YWNBTA. “Sorry, I thought you knew and just didn’t have time.  It’s not like the information isn’t openly available and provided by the school.”
Not really lying – you *did* think she knew. And you *did* think she’s just didn’t have time.

She can navigate the relationship issues with her kid, you’re just providing the safe space to prevent a runaway situation, and her mom knows that she’s with you, and going to the event

East_Parking8340 −  You represent an adult she trusts. If you go behind her back you will lose that trust and she will not have an adult female she obviously sees as a maternal figure to confide in. It’s also highly likely that she knows her mother would either decline or embarrass her.

Whilst this may go against the grain I think you should put the child before the adult. Whether you present at the event as a maternal figure is up to you – I’d err towards not because if the mother does find out ……. NTA

InnerChildGoneWild −  As a teacher, NTA. However, I would advise you to talk to Louise about the consequences of her choices here — her mom will probably find out at some point and when she does, she may respond by forbidding her from hanging out with Maddie outside of school.

And if she does, sadly, the adults (you, especially) will have to respect and enforce that. She could also respond by turning up the heat in other ways at home. I’d encourage you to keep your eyes on Louise and have her talk to trusted people at school to keep their eyes on the situation.  

FantasticCabinet2623 −  YWNBTA. It is so, so important for kids to have a non-parent trusted adult. Don’t break that trust. And if the emails are as frequent as you say… I have Some Thoughts about why her mother doesn’t know.

JstMyThoughts −  NTA for not telling the Mom. This is not your relationship, so stay out of it. YWBTA if you take Louise with you to a mother – daughter event. That is a very public statement that you consider yourself to be more Louise’s mother than her actual mother is. That is the polar opposite of staying out of it.

asiniloop −  I generally agree with the YWNBTA comments but I have one concern. When her mom does find out, because she will eventually, would she not be even more determined to keep the girls separated and away from your house?

Ok-Horror-1049 −  Wow this is messy. I don’t understand how Louise’s mom is unaware of what activities the school her daughter attends hosts? Were it me, I would be backing out of this whole thing.

I would keep Louise’s confidence, but explain to her that I could not (in good faith) take her if she was unwilling to tell her mom. This is really between the 2 of them, I would do everything I could to get myself from betwixt.🏃‍♀️‍➡️🏃‍♀️‍➡️🏃‍♀️‍➡️

issy_haatin −  Wait.  The ‘weird’ part is just the mom being poorer than most others, and wanting her kid to have proper behaviour with please and thank yous?

So she wants to pretend her less well off mom doesn’t exist, but that she has a well off mom as in you? Yeah.. no way this isn’t gonna explode badly.. Gonna go ESH, except for the mom

CarolAnderson159 −  NTA. She really wants to enjoy the event without the stress of her mom being there. Since it’s a school event, it’s not a safety issue, and Louise has asked you to keep it between you.

Dear_Tangerine444 −  I’m not going to provide a judgement. I’ve read your post. I’ve read your responses to other people and your thoughts on Louise’s mother. I think you’ve clearly decided what you’re going to do, and you know whether it is the right thing to do or not.

Not judgements or comments from this sub are likely to change that. All I’m going to add is to ask you to examine what your own feelings would be if the situation were reversed, and your daughter picked someone else to act as a surrogate parent and you found out after the fact?

Should the mom respect Louise’s wishes and keep it confidential, or should she inform Louise’s mom about the event? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!