There are 2 men in my (32f) work life that have continued to unknowingly cause rifts in my relationship with my boyfriend (32m). I think the issues he has with these men are absurd or unreasonable. How do I get him to see that?
A restaurant general manager (32F) seeks advice on how to address her boyfriend’s (32M) insecurities about her professional and personal relationships with two male colleagues.
Despite her reassurances and attempts to clarify misunderstandings, her boyfriend remains upset about situations she sees as harmless. Read her detailed account below.
‘ There are 2 men in my (32f) work life that have continued to unknowingly cause rifts in my relationship with my boyfriend (32m). I think the issues he has with these men are absurd or unreasonable. How do I get him to see that?’
I’m the GM of a restaurant. Myself, my executive chef, and my beverage director (we’ll call him Hank) were placed at the head of it. We’ve been open 1 year and it’s been incredibly tough, stressful, and emotional opening a new high end restaurant.
My beverage director, Hank, and I have known each other and been friends for 10 years. We have a wonderful front of house team and we’ve all grown from coworkers to friends who actively choose to hang out with each other outside of work.
Situation 1: My boyfriend takes issue with one of my bartenders (m26). We’ll call him Steven. It started one day when I told my staff I had to make a store run. The staff were chatting about fav snacks. One said “ooo pretty please can you bring us back some cheetos?” Another requested pickles. Steven begged for reeses cups.
I indeed returned from my trip with all 3 items and they were all cheering and delighted. Steven saw the reeses in my hand and was so happy, he dropped to his knee and loudly said “omg you brought reeses, marry me!” We all busted out laughing at his reaction, snacks were passed around, work was resumed.
My bf came to visit me at work later (he visits often and my coworkers/employees know him well now) and a server told him about the snacks and said “she even got a proposal for it!” My bf questioned me on it thoroughly that night and found it offensive.
His argument is that he wants to propose to me one day and a proposal is a sacred thing, and he finds it disrespectful that another man would propose to me knowing I’m in a relationship. I was baffled by his reaction and no matter how many times I’ve emphasized it was clearly a joke, he continues to think it was unacceptable and disrespectful.
He now distrusts Steven entirely and seems to think he has a crush or feelings for me (he absolutely does not). Steven’s cousin once came in and made conversation with me and asked Steven if he should ask me out. When I walked up to them in that moment, Steven’s first question to me was “are you even into black guys?”
I busted out laughing at the unexpected question and he laughed and said “my cousin here wanted to hit you up. I told him I don’t know if you’re into black men, but that you’re booed up anyway.” My bf thinks that Steven (black) was secretly asking for himself.
I’ve told my bf he’s being ridiculous for being offended by these situations but he persists in feeling disrespected. I think it’s absurd and illogical. We’ve gone through it all multiple times, for hours, and our minds don’t change. How do I get him to move past this?
Situation 2: my bf takes issue with my beverage director Hank. I’ve been friends with Hank and his wife for 10 years since we worked together at a restaurant. They have 2 children and I’ve been to their home a couple times for birthdays/baby shower, etc.
We’ve all talked about doing a couple’s dinner together (Hank and wife + me and bf) and Hank loves my bf, has nothing but praise for him. Hank and wife finally got married this year and are very secure, loving, and happy with each other.
Hank and I are like siblings to each other after all the years, and especially through the difficult opening of a new restaurant we’ve become close friends. Hank is an emotionally attuned and affectionate person who’s the type to go for hugs over handshakes once he knows you.
The first issue that came up with my bf was New Years Eve. After a stressful few weeks and couple months of opening, Hank and chef and I pulled off a successful event at the restaurant. We all toasted midnight with family and friends,
Hank kissed his wife, he and I gave each other a big hug and he gave me 3 kisses on the forehead in an affectionate burst, and then went to hug his bartenders and cheers them. My bf finds this inappropriate because “I kiss my girlfriend and should be the only one doing it unless that person is family.”
No amount of telling him that Hank and I see each other like family changes his mind. Yesterday, my bf and I saw Hank and his family at a local xmas event and Hank gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek before turning to my bf who put his hand forward in a hello shake.
Hank grabbed him in a cheery hug instead. My bf later asked me “did I hear Hank kiss you on the cheek earlier?” He tells me I need to respect the fact that this behavior makes him uncomfortable.
I told him he’s being absurd about this and while I respect his feelings, these particular feelings are irrational and I don’t think I should have to indulge his insecurities when they’re unhealthy and not based in an actual threat to our relationship.
I’m tired of having these hours-long discussions and arguments over these issues. How do I get him to let go? Am I supposed to be changing my behavior?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
Witty-Stock-4913 − I see the comments here are that you owe it to your boyfriend to make him feel secure, and I’m going to go ahead and disagree on that. You are not responsible for his feelings. If he’s still lecturing you because someone jokingly proposed to you, he’s a loon who needs to find someone with matching insecurities to date.
To answer your question, no, there’s nothing you can do to get him to stop. Stop indulging his arguments, tell him you won’t engage further on this, and if he proceeds to try to dictate your relationships you’ll find someone who’s more secure in himself and your relationship to be with.
RedneckDebutante − Your boyfriend is massively insecure, jealous and possessive. That’s a him problem. I’d end the relationship as you’re not compatible and he won’t be happy until you become someone else. He needs a different kind of partner, one who doesn’t have such close friendships with men.
KrofftSurvivor − How long have you been dating this man? He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you, nor for your friendships.
Unfortunately, these types of behaviors usually accompany the individual doing these things themselves behind your back…
Hopefully, that isn’t true in your case, but these behaviors are still immature and unacceptable, and you need to ask yourself whether this is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life – he is unlikely to change.
GypsyBookGeek − “How do I get him to let go? “ You don’t. You cannot make someone change their behavior or mindset. It is a choice your boyfriend makes (or doesn’t). “Am I supposed to be changing my behavior?” Nope. Unless you’ve left out some information, I see nothing wrong with your behavior.
Bottom line you and your boyfriend are incompatible. There’s always going to be a conflict about someone he perceives as a rival for your affection. Today it’s Hank and Steven. Tomorrow it may be the mailman, the grocery clerk, the barista who smiled at you.
caspin22 − Please do not marry this guy. This behavior will only get worse, not better. I’m in therapy at age 52, finally undoing 9 years of trauma from age 30-39 caused by a man just like this,
and I’m still learning that I can keep my eyes up in a public place instead of feeling like I have to look at the floor constantly so I’m not accused of “making eyes” or “flirting” by looking at someone’s face.
madfoot − He’s being absolutely ridiculous. A proposal is sacred?! This gives me so much ick.
WeeklyConversation8 − He’s very insecure. He needs therapy not a relationship. Break up with him.
Opening_Track_1227 − Your bf is exhausting, you will not get him to let go because this how he is and he is looking for reasons to not like these dudes. You’ve known Hank longer than you’ve known your bf,
I would stop arguing over Hank. The same goes for any other guy he has an issue with and put your foot down. The next time he throws a fit over Hank, break up.
FalseAd4246 − Nothing wrong with Hank but I could absolutely see why he’d be uncomfortable with Steven, he straight asked you if you would consider dating a black man (not sure I buy that he was asking for his cousin either)
and that’s not really appropriate workplace conversation. I would not enjoy hearing about two guys hitting on my girlfriend at her work either.
GingerMarquis − Hank sounds friendly. Steven sounds like he’s looking for a chance. The proposal was funny but without other context the second question sounds like Steven was feeling you out. Both of these assessments aside, your boyfriend’s insecurities are not your responsibility.
You can talk to him about what he needs or wants. You can also decide his boundaries are unfair or damaging to your professional life. It really depends on how you feel. And I’d put money on Steven being into you. If that’s a good thing or a bad thing is up to you and your views on workplace dynamics.. Edit: mixed up names
Balancing a committed relationship with professional friendships can be challenging when insecurities arise. How would you address these concerns while maintaining your autonomy and professional relationships? Share your thoughts below!