My (32M) late wife’s sister is trying to sabotage my new relationship. What do I do?

A man (32M) is struggling with his late wife’s sister (28F), who is trying to sabotage his new relationship. After his wife’s passing, he’s been working hard to be a good father and move forward, but his SIL’s interference and false accusations have caused major tension.

His girlfriend (34F) has been approached by the SIL with damaging claims about his past behavior, and now he’s uncertain about how to handle the situation, his SIL’s actions, and his relationship. Read on for his emotional dilemma and thoughts on how to proceed.

‘ My (32M) late wife’s sister is trying to sabotage my new relationship. What do I do?’

Hi everyone! Sorry this is long, but maybe something I did here could be the reason for this? So I’m just gonna tell you all everything and maybe anyone has ideas what I can do, because I’m just so angry right now I want to explode, so I’m just typing it to calm myself down. Sorry if it’s a mess..

I was married to a wonderful woman. We dated since college before getting married 10 years ago. We have a 7yo son together. About 3 years ago my wife died. She was suffering from a chronic illness for many years and had a surprising complication during surgery. (Crohn’s if it matters to anyone).

I was devastated, and it was really hard to explain to my kid, who was 4 at the time. We were both in a very bad place. We had great support systems in the form of my parents and siblings and my late wife’s parents and sister (28F), or so I thought. They were all there for me and my son and offered a lot of help.

But still… I was in a pretty bad place and I admit I may have dropped the ball on a few things regarding my son. My wife, whenever he’d go to a new place (daycare, kindergarten etc.) would immediately befriend some of the parents, and my kid would immediately have a lot of playdates and make friends.

Since she passed I failed at this completely. I was never the friendliest guy, and with my wife gone I got even more withdrawn. This resulted in my kid being bullied in 1st grade. The school didn’t really do anything and I got frustrated, so this ended up in me going over to some parents’ houses,

losing my cool and making a whole lot of threats and smashing a few garden decorations. It worked, because they seemed to back off, but at the same time my kid still didn’t really have any friends, and my own reputation went to crap. Suppose I earned that.

During that time, my wife’s family were supportive and helpful but also thinking back, her sister would sometimes throw jabs at me about how her sister would have handled it better, how I was constantly messing up etc.

It was overall jokey and not common, and I appreciated everything she and her parents were doing so I didn’t make a huge deal out of it, but it did hurt. Also I started noticing how they would constantly talk up my late wife whenever I did something.

And I didn’t really blame them – I talk her up a lot too, she was wonderful, and I think I did a good job of making sure she felt loved and appreciated in life, but I still am having trouble coming to grips with just how much I miss her, and how much she meant to me and did for me and our son.

And yeah – how much better off we would all have been if she was still around, and all this mess wouldn’t have happened. Still, them constantly bringing it up also really makes me feel terrible about how I’m handling things.

I know I’m not as good at a lot of this stuff as she was, but I’m doing my best, and constantly hearing how I’m messing up and how much better she would have done isn’t helping any. But this wasn’t really common, and didn’t seem too offensive..

But I still needed to do something about my kid. So I had my son transfer schools over the summer, and this time I did what my wife would have done – I reached out to some parents, got some playdates and activities going before the school-year even started, and it was hard for me,

but also it paid off – my kid started second grade a few months ago and is thriving. He has friends and is constantly over at his friends’ homes or brings friends over to ours. But this means I suddenly found myself with a lot of time alone, and it has been kinda rough.

I go to therapy since last year after the threats and the ruined gnomes, and it helps, but at the same time my therapist is not my friend. My new friends are great but they’re all couples, and I’m still very alone, and yeah – I had my wife do all the social heavy lifting for me before.

I get it, but I didn’t really keep in touch with what is essentially her friends and even if I did, they’re also all married or in relationships and I’m still the odd one out. I just wanted to try and find someone again who’d maybe help me feel something like I did with my wife – a connection. So I signed up to a dating app..

I actually had a relatively good experience. I went on a few dates, and it was nice. However, when I was visiting my wife’s family the following week, her sister apparently had seen me on the app, and said she couldn’t believe I was looking to hook up instead of concentrating on being a father.

I told her I wasn’t looking to hook up, but was genuinely looking for a relationship. She said this was even worse, because I was replacing her sister so soon, and was bringing another woman into my son’s life who wasn’t his mother.

Her mother stuck up for me at first, and said it had been long enough, and it’s good that I’m moving on, but my SIL said I wasn’t really moving on, I was just looking for a “bangmaid” because I was doing such a s**tty job of raising my son and taking care of my home.

I lost it and told her to go F herself, and how dare she talk like that to me in front of my son, who was really upset by now. We got into a huge fight before I took my son and left, but during it I was accused of being a terrible father and terrible husband, and at that point my MIL & FIL were completely on my SIL’s side.

I want to think that a lot of the things they told me about me not helping around the house enough or not being involved enough weren’t right, and my wife wouldn’t actually tell them those things about me, and I think I was a good husband and a good father, and nothing my wife ever told me made me thing she didn’t think I was,

but also it got me really upset and I haven’t spoken to them since. This was about 2 months ago, right after my kid started at his new school, and I was feeling really proud of myself for handling it and being a good dad, and this just deflated me completely.

I wasn’t certain I never want to talk to them again, but I didn’t want to talk to them right now.. About a month ago I started dating someone new (34F). We’ve been getting along really well and been seeing each other practically every other day. Because I thought this could turn into something serious,

I brought her over to meet my kid – they really hit it off and it’s been great. With that out of the way I made the mistake of uploading a picture of me and her to my social media, since we talked and decided we were going to be exclusive and this was a serious relationship for both of us.

I was really happy, and felt like I was starting to move on with my life, and that my son was in a good place, and for once in three years things were going my way. Well today my GF asked me to meet, and I did. She showed me her IG DMs – my SIL reached out to her.

She sent her a message telling her how she was my late wife’s sister, and she saw our picture. She wrote that she though my GF should know that I was a terrible husband, and I was neglecting and mistreating my wife.

She said I had been unfaithful, that I’ve been a terrible dad. And what’s worse – she sprinkled in things that were true to make the rest feel more believable – so she told her about my son having to transfer schools because I was threatening parents and kids – which I know I was,

but I was in such a terrible place and have been working so hard to move past it. She told her that I was m**ipulative and financially a**sive, that I was a n**cissist. It was heartbreaking to read because up until signing up to the apps – I thought even if they sometimes talked crap – they did care about me.

I explained to my GF that some of it was true but that some was complete lies – I never treated my wife badly. I tried really hard to be a good father and a good husband, and I really think I was. I was always trying to support her dreams and interests. I was doing my share of housework and parenting, even though I worked more.

And I get it – maybe I wasn’t good enough, but I was good, I didn’t lie or cheat or isolate her or any of that stuff. We talked a lot, and I thought she was happy. When we fought there wasn’t any namecalling or belittling or any u**y stuff that I can think of, and we talked and worked things out.

I never did most of the things her sister said I did, certainly none of the stuff she said I did to her, and this is killing me.. My GF said she needed some time to think, and I didn’t want to bother her with texts or calls because I did all I could to convince her,

and I hope she can get past that, but honestly – I can’t blame her if she can’t. And if she says this is a dealbreaker for her – there isn’t really much I can do about it. But even worse – what do I do about my SIL?

My blood is boiling, and I have no one I can really talk to about this. And hell, even if my GF breaks up with me and I try to move on, what if she does it again? I just don’t know what to do, and I’m so angry and so heartbroken.

I just wanted to write this all out to tell someone, and maybe someone here has an idea. What do I do about my SIL, is it anything I did to cause her to do this? And most importantly – is there a way I can reasonably reach out to my GF to convince her without disrespecting her boundaries?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

PuzzleheadedTry7370 −  Man, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. My only thought is reaching out to your former in-laws. What your former sister-in-law did was unconscionable.

Talk to them and if they agree, maybe it’s time to remove them from your son’s life. As for your girlfriend, if she cares about you, she’ll reach out. Keep your head up and have a happy holiday season, man. 

MLeek −  With love and respect my man… a month is too soon to be introducing someone to a child that young. Dating is fine and good, but introducing was hasty and unwise. If you had done a bit of research, you’d have found the recommendation is 4-6 months for a child your son’s age.

And that would have the additional benefit of giving your new partner a much better understanding of you, and confidence in you, before being immersed in any extended-family drama. There is no substitute for time, when it comes to building trust.

Straight up man, you’ve done some good work but **you need to talk to the therapist about this.** Take the lesson here: A month was far, far too soon. Respect your GFs boundaries. Just do it.

If she has said she needs time, the most you should do is reach out in a few days or a week, and ask if you two can set up a time to talk. Not “Can we talk” but “Can we set up a time to talk”. That’s all. Nothing else.

As for your SIL, would strongly advise you to block her. On everything. Everywhere. There is nothing to gain by interacting with her right now. Speak to the therapist about the next steps, if there are any, with your in-laws. Get ongoing support. Don’t do anything stupid.

allthehotsauces −  I think there are several things here that are being woven into each other and you’re right on some and wrong on the others. 1) it’s horrible you lost your wife and partner so early in life. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to move on

2) it’s possible your late wife would have done things differently but sadly she doesn’t get to make those choices and you can only move forward trying to be a great parent to your kid

3) being a great parent means not introducing some random woman you started seeing one month ago to your kid. You weren’t in a long term relationship and now might be breaking up and your poor kid was introduced right away making things harder.

4) your late wife’s family is grieving but they don’t have a right to expect you to not move on. They need to work on that themselves.
I think you need to truly look inward, are you being a good parent ?

If yes, then you need to tell them that and you will be doing both , being a good parent and moving on, but you can’t be a part of the family if they are trying to sabotage you.

For your SIL I would forward that info to your in laws and tell them to deal with their daughter. You are allowed to work on the relationship with her if you want to salvage or write her off . That depends on what she adds to your and your son’s lives.

anon_e_mous9669 −  As a dad, there’s a few things here. 1. I would take things MUCH slower with women and not introduce them to your son until you are reasonably sure this will be a long term relationship. Like 6 months at least.

2. I don’t know if you live in a Grandparents’ Rights state, but you need to put some distance and/or boundaries between your wife’s family and yourself. They helped you, but they don’t get to be s**tty to you. Honestly, if it were me, I’d move far away.

They have demonstrated that they are willing to mess with your life and blame you for moving on and make up heinous things about you and regardless of why, that’s a huge line they’ve crossed that I wouldn’t ever be able to trust them again.

holliday_doc_1995 −  So i want to comment on something else. Deciding that someone is your girlfriend, having them meet your son, and posting about them on social media after a month is way too fast to be moving. You need to slow it down with this woman and take things slowly with future women if this one dumps you.

It also seems pretty clear that you are trying to fill a void by dating. You miss your wife and you have some time on your hands and I’m sure that part of the reason for wanting someone in your life is to combat loneliness and maybe even help you with your kid.

You need to make sure that you are in the space where you can be a great partner before you start dating. Maybe you are close to being in that space already. But, looking for love to cure loneliness or fill a void isn’t the reason to be looking for love. You said you struggled with parenting because there are things that your wife always took the lead on.

Have you mastered those things? Do you have single parenting all nailed down and are you happy and whole enough to pour into someone else’s cup? Or are you seeking someone to take some of the burden off you?

Any woman you end up in a relationship with is going to take on enormous burden of pressure associated with building a bond with your child, giving you space to handle your child, figuring out where she fits into everything,

and dealing with reminders of your ex everywhere. That’s a lot to take on. You need to make sure that you are in a space where you can be a partner who gives just as much as you take.

shurker_lurker −  How much time has passed since your gf asked for time to think?

WilliamNearToronto −  You shouldn’t be introducing your child to a new partner until the two of you have been in a stable relationship for at least one year. One month is ridiculously short time. You’re putting your social life above your child’s well being.

JMLegend22 −  Tell your former MIL and FIL that you and your son will be losing contact with them based on the SIL berating you and potentially sabotaging a relationship. Let them know that by them taking her side that you have no choice but to block them everywhere.

Tell them they have 24 hours for a serious apology but they have to force their daughter to apologize and say she made up a majority of lies to the woman. If she doesn’t that’s a wrap for their family seeing the grandchild because they are too toxic. Block the SIL on every platform. Block anyone she’s dated.

Ok_Breakfast9531 −  I would reach out to your gf for a copy of the DMs from SIL. You have been defamed by her and that is actionable. Take the messages to a lawyer and have a letter drafted demanding your SIL desist from this behavior.

Then I would set up a time to talk with your in laws, and show them the messages and the attorney letter. Let them know that unless your SIL apologizes and sets the record straight you will be talking with an attorney about damages for defaming you,

and that in order to protect yourself from future defamation you’ll need to completely block their entire family from your and your son’s life. Assure them that you do not want to do this but that you need to live your life and your SIL is preventing that.

And if she doesn’t stop you’ll need to cut off any sources of information she has about your life, including your son’s grandparents.
This is serious. Take it seriously.

ScammerC −  I’m so sorry for your loss. Stop posting on social media. Get therapy for both yourself and your son. If you don’t think you need therapy you *really need* therapy.

Your son absolutely does, and if you haven’t done that already, well, I can see the concern others have about you. You sound like “you want to explode” alot. There’s some “missing missing reasons” for what’s going on here. I hope you get the help you need.

How should he confront his SIL’s actions and rebuild his relationship? Can he convince his girlfriend to see past the accusations, or will the damage be too much to repair? Share your thoughts on how to handle toxic family dynamics in relationships.