My 31m girlfriend 30f of 3 years cries every time we sleep together ?

A 31-year-old man shared a deeply emotional struggle in his three-year relationship with his 30-year-old girlfriend. Every time they’re intimate, she begins to cry uncontrollably, despite initiating the encounters herself. He’s certain it’s not physical pain but doesn’t understand the root cause.

Efforts to discuss it or suggest therapy have been unsuccessful, leaving him confused, worried, and unsure how to proceed. Despite his love for her, he now avoids intimacy to spare her distress, but he’s longing for understanding and resolution.

‘ My 31m girlfriend 30f of 3 years cries every time we sleep together ?’

I ‘M31’ and my girlfriend Hannah ‘F 30’ have been together for 3 years. For the entire duration of our relationship she has initiated significantly more than I have due to what has happened every single time. She cries, no matter what we’ve done or tried differently she’ll cry. I’m positive it’s not tears of pain, it’s something completely different.

For example, she broke her arm back in 2023 and wailed in pain but with this it’s just full on heavy sobs. I’ve tried to ask her why she cries every time but I’ve gotten no real reason. I’ve suggested therapy but that’s a no go. I love her dearly and I don’t want to hurt her in any way. At this point I’ve rejected most of her advances because I hate to see her that way.

But its difficult sometimes. Whenever the waterworks start I’ll stop what I’m doing and comfort her. I’m not upset about not finishing, I can take care of that on my own in private if I really need to. I just want to know what’s going on and if this is normal. I’ve dated and hooked up with people in the past and there were never any tears so I’m confused and honestly worried.

Has someone hurt her? Did I hurt her? Why isn’t she opening up to me? I’ve tried to make a safe place for her but have I failed in that part of our relationship? She’s sleeping right next to me right now after we tried again. I don’t know why I keep trying, it always ends the same way. I think I just want to be near her in that way. To make her feel good and loved.

Because she is loved. I want her to be okay, even if that means no intimacy at all. Maybe that’s the problem; she doesn’t want it. But then why is she initiating it? Anyway, I’m not sure what I’m looking for in asking a bunch of internet strangers, maybe some advice or even answers. Thank you for your time.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Ok_Reputation_3612 −  Why is therapy a no go? Because honestly, it sounds like what your girlfriend needs the most. Regularly crying during s** is not normal and potentially speaks to some kind of past trauma that can only be healed through addressing it head on with therapy.

hopeless_baguette −  …. how is this something you’ve been putting up with with no real explanation for THREE WHOLE YEARS? I’m sorry, but come on. If she refuses to get professional help to deal with this kind of upsetting, difficult behavior that is very likely some kind of trauma response…… I would leave. The fact that she won’t even talk to you about it is a huge problem.

I cannot fathom why you would stick around. Truly.

Tavali01 −  I feel like there’s a lot here. You say she wanted to wait for marriage but suddenly started trying to initiate every day even though she cries and you have to stop. She needs therapy. You need to sit her down and explain to her that you love and care about her but what she is doing is not healthy on her mental health and you will no longer be accepting her advances.

Explain to her you are open to waiting until marriage but she needs to work on this before you guys tie the knot. This post makes me feel like she has been s**ually assaulted in the past. It could be from childhood and she doesn’t fully remember or it could have happened around the time she started trying to initiate since “if I’m not a virgin because of the rape I might as well have s** before marriage now”.

This is incredibly damaging on someone’s mental health. You also haven’t mentioned if she is religious or not. There is a lot of purity culture and shame of s** in various religions where they heavily blame the female if a s**ual a**ault occurs. I’m not saying if you are raped you are not a virgin I’m just trying to see where she may be going with this.

Overall she needs therapy and this reoccurring every time makes me think it isn’t just “happy tears” and is instead further traumatizing her. Pls get her help because something like this does not just get better with time or pushing through.

Couples counselling may be beneficial but ideally she likely needs individual counselling. Her reacting like this and refusing to talk about it at all is now damaging your mental health and at that point it’s really not okay

TrivialDisasters −  This happened to me when I needed depression meds for the first time. My doc told me that the deep emotional release was tapping I to my depression instead of my endorphins. I don’t know if this info helps here, but it helped me.

thethingaboutarsen16 −  I think therapy being a *no go* is the biggest red flag you have here.

ThrowRA662849 −  Bro what? If she refuses therapy this is her issue not yours. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, and she doesn’t seem to care how you feel about this AT ALL. She needs to be in therapy, or she needs to be alone for a while to fix her issue.

Tivland −  Three years is a LONG time. This may be above our pay grade.

Even_Budget2078 −  Question: This has been going on for 3 years???? I’m sorry, but at this point, how have you not insisted on a real conversation about this?? Saying you get no real answer is a cop out, OP. She needs to be honest about what is going on. This is ridiculous. It is unacceptable that you are afraid that you are hurting her, that you stop to comfort her,

and that you have *no idea* if this is even helping or what the problem is. Stop avoiding this and do not let her weasel out of a real conversation about this. Pick a time that is not post-crying/intimate moment and explain that you need to understand what is going on and that it is impacting your mental health and your relationship.

No one should feel like they are hurting their partner regularly. And certainly not fear that their partner is trying to make them hurt them (which is what she is doing by initiating and then breaking down). And most certainly not for 3 years. This is deeply unhealthy and, I know you don’t see this, but your girlfriend is being extremely disrespectful of your feelings by doing this and not addressing it.

mbwrose −  Judging from your comments, she has religious trauma about s** and purity. She needs therapy.

ZombieDads −  Are you sure they’re the upset kind of years? Sometimes I cry during s** because of the height of emotion or because the (good) feelings can be overwhelming.