My (25F) cousin (26F) resents me for not having an arranged marriage and blames me for hers.

A Reddit user (25F) shared a complicated family situation where her cousin (26F) resents her for not disclosing her relationship with her fiancé. The cousin claims she agreed to an unhappy arranged marriage under the assumption that the user was also planning an arranged marriage, as their family traditionally expects. Now, the cousin blames the user for her current predicament, creating tension in their close relationship. Read on for the full story and advice.

‘ My (25F) cousin (26F) resents me for not having an arranged marriage and blames me for hers.’

Almost all the marriages in my family have been arranged marriages. My mum’s marriage to my bio dad was an arranged marriage but it ended up in a messy divorce and him completely abandoning us before I was even born. My mum had a love marriage the second time, despite the disapproval of her family, and has been much happier with my stepdad than she probably would have ever been with my bio dad. Because of this, my mum has always been very adamant that she would not try to force us (my siblings and I) into arranged marriages despite what the rest of our family thought.

I’ve been with my fiancé (26M) for 3 years now, we got engaged 2 months ago. He’s met my parents and siblings but as far as the majority of my extended family were concerned, I was single until 2 months ago. Early last year, my fiancé dropped me off home after work one day and my uncle was there. My uncle is the oldest sibling my mum has so he’s seen as the ‘head’ of the family (i.e. he thinks he has a say in what the rest of us do).

It was obvious my uncle was pissed, and he ended up grilling my fiancé and I assume he met his standards (a lot of arranged marriages are about what both families can gain from one another (e.g. wealth, influence, etc.)) so he told my mum to get us married quickly (he wanted to make it look like we had an arranged marriage before the rest of our family found out). My mum ignored him and told us to keep dating if it’s what we wanted. Over the past year, he’s mentioned me getting married to my mum every single time he’s spoken to her.

Apparently, my uncle assumed just because he’d given the ‘order’ that we were going to get married soon. He told my cousin (his daughter) that I had agreed to an arranged marriage and because I had and she was older, she should agree to the match he’d found her. My cousin never mentioned this to me, but she did agree to marry the man my uncle found for her. They got married late last year. They haven’t had a good marriage and my cousin is very unhappy. Her husband is incredibly controlling and hardly ever lets her go anywhere without him or a member of his family.

Last week, she was over at my house when my fiancé came over to drop some of the clothes I’d left at his place over. When I told my family about my engagement, they all assumed it was an arranged marriage and I didn’t bother clarifying because it really isn’t anyone’s business. You don’t tend to do sleepovers if you’re having an arranged marriage, so my cousin knew immediately it wasn’t what she assumed. She started asking me questions about my relationship and I answered honestly.

She got really angry at me and kept demanding to know why I didn’t tell her about him. The thing is, I’m very close to this cousin but I also know how our family is about dating and I didn’t want my male cousins trying to strongarm my fiancé (they’ve jokingly threatened this before). She pretty much blamed me for her arranged marriage and said she only agreed because she thought I was going to have one too and if I had told her I had a boyfriend, she would have had the courage to stand up to her family. She hasn’t spoken to me since.

I do feel bad for her. I know how unhappy she is but if she had mentioned what my uncle told her earlier, I would have clarified. I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship, but I don’t know what I can do to fix this. Please help.

TL;DR – My cousin agreed to an arranged marriage because she thought I was also going to have one. She’s since realised I’m having a love marriage and is blaming me for letting her agree to an arranged marriage when I had no intentions of having one myself.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

DFahnz −  She’s blaming you because it’s safer than blaming the person who is really responsible here.

0biterdicta −  As the seemingly only person in this situation not trying to control her or force her into an arranged marriage, you’re safe to lash out at. You won’t be upset or angry with her for not wanting an arranged marriage. She can be open with her feelings towards you. “Priya, I don’t think I will ever fully understand your feelings related to your arranged marriage because I simply cannot live in your shoes, but I do want to be there for you and help you navigate this. Please let me know if you want to talk.”

liquidmccartney8 −  I agree with the others that this isn’t your fault and that if your going along with an arranged marriage was such a big factor in her decision to do the same, she probably should have talked to you about it so you would have an opportunity to clear things up. However, this isn’t a problem that you can debate your way out of, so I don’t think it’s helpful to focus on trying to convince her that you didn’t do anything wrong.

My advice would be to tell her that you’re sorry for the misunderstanding and that if you had known that it was being used to pressure her, you would have taken her side, and let her know that whatever she decides to do going forward, you’ll be there to provide support in any way you can. I think that’s all you can do, and once you’ve put that out there, unless/until she reaches out to you and wants to mend fences, I would try and stay out of it.

knotsophia −  Help her get out of her s**tty marriage.

notsoslootyman −  This is in no way your fault. Your uncle is domineering and duplicitous. This is his fault. The problem with having parents like this is they take any resistance as a challenge to power. It is usually shut down harshly. Your cousin probably has no method of dealing with and all of that icky feeling is being directed at the only person she’s allowed to be honest with, you.

Ace_of_Sevens −  I like, like most people here, don’t come from a culture with a significant arranged marriage tradition, but to me, it doesn’t sound like this is on you. Yes, if you’d made a big thing out of how your marriage wasn’t arranged, it would have put her in a better spot. But, I’m guessing you’re under considerable social sanction not to do that, same as she was under pressure to get an arranged marriage.

This isn’t your fault, but she’s in a position where she can’t strike out at the primary people responsible for her misery, her s**tty husband & father, so try not to be too hard on her about it & help her get out if at all possible.

Ok-Penalty-8799 −  Maybe remind her that your mom was in her position, and divorcing then resulted in her happiness now.

[Reddit User] −  Help her get a divorce. Help her start a life for herself so she doesn’t have to go back to her abusive family.

cocoagiant −  She is projecting how she feels about herself onto you. While she can’t use you as a model, she can certainly use your mother. Tell her you and your family will be there for her if she decides to end her marriage and do something else. If she comes after you again, be kind but firm. She is responsible for her own choices, and she doesn’t get to attack you because she wishes she had made the decisions you have.

rthrouw1234 −  Your cousin should blame her horrible father for lying to her.