My (22 F) parents (42 F, 44 M) are unbearable after the d**th of my fiancée (23 F) and I don’t know how to cope.

A Redditor shared the heartbreaking story of losing her fiancée unexpectedly and struggling to cope while staying with her emotionally unsupportive parents. Her post reveals the devastating impact of grief compounded by familial insensitivity. Read the full story below.

‘ My (22 F) parents (42 F, 44 M) are unbearable after the d**th of my fiancée (23 F) and I don’t know how to cope.’

So, I woke up to my fiancée being dead on Wednesday, April 1st 2020. She died unexpectedly and I don’t want to go into the details of her d**th with strangers yet but it has been the largest, most traumatic event of my life.

On the first day, I called her parents (50s M/F) who came and picked me up to stay with them for a week because my parents lived across the country and I just couldn’t handle being alone in our apartment anymore. Me and her family, which are very kind and accepting people, grieved together and comforted each other.

They were extremely sweet and kind people and I was very lucky to get to stay with them when it first happened. However, my parents were also informed of my fiancée’s d**th and made the long, multiple day drive across the country to come.

They packed up my apartment for me because I just couldn’t go back there (which was very kind of them) and picked me up the night after her funeral to take me to my childhood home. The first thing my mom did was complain about her own problems and how disrespectful/inconsiderate I was to not thank her right away or something.

I don’t really remember exactly what it was about but I didn’t have the energy to argue or put up with her so I just mumbled some answers and tried to remain quiet. Then, later in the night as we were trying to go to sleep,

my mom decided to start asking why my fiancée didn’t care for her that much and I explained it was because she is h**ophobic. My mom then went into a huge screaming tirade about how she didn’t want her daughter to be a lesbian (I remember her actual quote being “Well, I’m sorry that I don’t want my daughter to become a lesbian!”)

and how us holding hands when she visited us last year was extremely disrespectful. (When she visited us last yet, she made my fiancée break down and cry so hard I had to drive my fiancée somewhere to be without my mom for an extended period of time.) I just cried quietly to myself until she stopped screaming and we went to sleep.

Around the first few days after my fiancée’s d**th, I would wake up crying and in a panic. Her parents would just hug me and we would cry and talk until I was able to calm down, but my mom that morning reacted by screaming at me. She was saying things like “Stop crying!” and “I hate [fiancée] now!” and “If she was alive,

I’d kill her because you just keep crying!” and just similar stuff. It made everything worse and I just wanted to throw up for the beginning of our long drive home. She also kept taunting me by saying she was going to put me in a mental health hospital or whatever it’s called.

On the drive home, she kept bringing up negative topics any chance she got. During all these she called my fiancée a s**t and a whore. She said that my fiancée “looked like someone who would sleep around.” and just tried to disgrace her character.

She then tried to convince me that my fiancée was toxic and controlling (she wasn’t) and that she must’ve been a**sive because she was driving a wedge between me and my family. It hurt me to even think that fiancée was a**sive when she did nothing but care about me and was tender and loving to me.

When I was talking about how smart and beautiful my fiancée was, she kept saying I was smarter and prettier than my fiancée which just made me feel incredibly crappy. Sometimes, she would then have these strange mood swings where she would say “If I could, I would kill myself so [fiancée] could be alive.

That’s what you really want, don’t you?” and when she would ask that, she would demand and answer and I just didn’t know how to answer and I would end up crying harder. She also kept trying to say she knows what I’m going through and I have to toughen up but she married the first person she ever dated,

so she never even went through a breakup before. She would also continuously joke (?) about how she was going to buy me a blow up doll and dress her in my fiancée’s clothes and it just made me feel so sick and uncomfortable and terrible when she would make that joke. She still makes that joke and now has my dad in on it.

When we got home, I thought I was going to stay with my grandparents (70s M/F) but my mom informed me that I would have to stay with her or my sister (20 F) because I might have the Coronavirus and she wouldn’t want me to give it to my grandparents,

who currently have my emotional support cat at their house because my parents and sister both have dogs. My childhood best friend (20 F) also came over to stay with me for a couple weeks (which is a blessing) but she only feels comfortable staying with my parents because my sister doesn’t take good care of her house.

So, I’m currently at my parents house. Anyway, the day I got home, I went to my sister’s house for a little bit to get away from my parents but my dad just ended up calling me on my phone and screaming at me that I only have a week (starting from Friday) to cry and get over it,

then I would have to work and not be seen moping around or upset about it again. He also continued to call my fiancée a selfish b**ch and told me that I needed to forget about her and get on with my life. This made me just break down.

I called my “mother in law” (for lack of better term) and just cried to her about everything and I think she really doesn’t like my parents now. But, she told me that they are just trying to make me feel better by treating this like a breakup.

My fiancée’s family is extremely religious (but accepting) and so they believe that like people need to be with their blood families to heal, so I think they’re just having a difficult time understanding how my parents could be so mean but they’re starting to understand every time I talk to them about it.

However, they’re on the other side of the country and there is nothing they can do about it now anyway other than listen when I call them. My parents don’t want me to call them because they say that her family needs to grieve and I’m bothering them so now I’m really worried I’m just bothering her parents.

I also made it clear to my parents that I’m changing my last name to hers because that was our plan when we got married and it was important to me still and at first, when I told them on the phone a few days after she passed, they seemed okay with it but now that I’m here, they’re throwing a huge dramatic show about it.

They keep screaming about it and telling me that I can’t change my name to a s**t’s name and that nobody would love me if I changed my name to hers and I’m just so worried that maybe they’re right but I feel like it’s necessary.

My parents’ dog also has been growling at me every day because I’m new to him (they got him while I was gone and living with my fiancée) and my dad today yelled at me to stop “moping around” so the dog will stop growling at me because he thinks the dog growls at me due to my coldness or something.

I don’t know. I ended up breaking down in the shower because it’s the only place I can be alone anymore (my room doesn’t have a door) and I desperately miss my fiancée and the life we made together. I’m ashamed that I’m 22 and am living with my parents right now and I’m just depressed and anxious and scared.

None of my coping mechanisms I have learned from my depression and anxiety therapist have worked and I don’t know what to do anymore. What can I do to make my parents more empathetic and caring?

I’ve always been somebody who just needs to be held and told sweet things to when bad stuff happens to make me feel okay again but they’re just making everything worse. When I talk to them they just shrug it off. One time, I asked my mom if she could be nicer to me and she said “I am being nicer than usual.”

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just need to know what to tell them so they stop all this and become kind and sweet and consoling. I just need it and her family knew I needed it but they, for some reason, don’t understand. I’ve been hugged and cuddled more by my once to-be in-laws than by my own parents after all this happened.

Please tell me what to do to get them to understand and treat me better. Or just tell me what I should do. I don’t know anymore. I’m struggling. Thank you for reading, sorry for the long post. Please leave your suggestions of what I should do below. I can’t keep the tears in much longer.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

thehappylemming −  Got about two paragraphs in and couldn’t read any more. You need to get out, immediately. Find anyone else to stay with, I’m sorry I can’t think of more helpful options, but you HAVE to leave and cut them off.

You do not need this right now, or ever. Tell your gf’s parents what’s happening to you there, reach out for support. This is f**king madness. I’m so sorry, OP.

sleepfight −  There is nothing you can do to change them. You need to cut them off. Do anything you possibly can to get out of this living situation. Move in with your sister, ask if your fiance’s family will take you in, stay with a friend, etc.. I am so sorry for your loss.

zzzzlllll13 −  i couldnt even finish reading this. as a fellow lesbian, i could not COMPREHEND having to deal with parents like this when you are trying to heal from such a traumatic event.

i am so, so sorry about your fiancée. how absolutely devastating. i hope you can get out of that environment and get therapeutic help to really heal from this.

milkbeamgalaxia −  Your parents aren’t good people. You need to make a plan for moving out and cut contact. I’m sorry for your loss.

YingYangTwinsASMR −  Holy s**t. I’ve been reading this sub for 6 years and this is the worst story I’ve read so far. OP, you write this undramatically–almost objectively–as if you’re used to this? I think you’ve experienced so much abuse that your normal-meter is off, but you should know that this is absolutely NOT normal or okay.

Your parents are despicable people. Like truly, truly vile humans. You can’t teach people how to be empathetic or be a good person. I can’t believe they’re telling you to get over it when your entire future came crashing down. Please know that you’re allowed to be in bed for as long as you need, even if it’s 6 months.

And I think you need to cut them out of your life permanently, but you can cross that bridge later. For now, please go anywhere but with them. I know being alone right now is hard but you need to leave. You said your friend came over to stay with you – can you go stay with her?

What about a cousin, aunt, or uncle? Or do you have any other friends? They don’t have to be best friends, just friends. This is that ONE time in your life where you can and should use your lifeline. If your friend told you this story, you’d do the same for them, right?

You can also google your city + “lesbian shelter” or “LGBT shelter”. Even if you don’t end up staying there, please call them. They can direct you to free or cheap therapy or an LGBT grief support group.

Also read Option B by Sheryl Sandberg – it’s about her grief in the days and months following the sudden d**th of her husband, and I think it could really help you see that you’re not alone.

Also, I went through your post history and I just wanted to say that your fiancee looks like she had a beautiful, vibrant soul. I am so, so sorry for your unbearable pain. Just take it one breath at a time and give yourself as much time as you need before you go back to real life.

JSghetti −  I agree with the first commenter. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, and there is absolutely no excuse for your family’s horrible and A**SIVE behavior. You need to find somewhere else to stay immediately. Although it will be stressful, the sooner you can get out the better.

I would ask if your fiancé’s family can take you in or if they know of someone who can. You need to get out now. Supplement the cost of living with that person by helping them out around the house, cleaning, doing chores or errands, etc. or if you’re still working, then pay them something until you can move out on your own.

I’m so so sorry for your loss. Remember that grief isn’t something you just get over, and you will never full heal from this. But you can hopefully make your situation easier by cutting off people who abuse you.

TravelingBride −  This is heartbreaking. Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your fiancé. There is nothing to feel ashamed of… This is the roughest thing you’ve ever had to go through. You just do the best you can.

I don’t think there is a way to make your parents better people, though. I wish there were. Maybe after two weeks with them then you can move on to your grandparents house?

[Reddit User] −  First, so very very very sorry for what you are going through. I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you, but I certainly understand that it’s horrible. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a real hug, but I hope you’ll accept a virtual one. And if you like it can last 30 minutes (or even longer if you wish).

What can I do to make my parents more empathetic and caring? Look, I really hate to be Debby Downer in this situation which is terrible enough already. But I’ll ask you, with love, to reflect for a moment on that question. Again, I hope I don’t come across as cold, but why are you thinking in these terms?

Why, if your parents are being cruel and unloving to you, are you thinking that **you** need to do something different? Your parents may have many wonderful qualities, and it’s lovely that they drove out and packed up for you, but as far as helping with your grief and loss go, they are a\*\*holes.

They are just **not good people** in this respect. They are making it about them, being narcissistic, and unable to imagine or even respect what you are going through. **The problem is not within you. It’s within them.**

You have good insight into your own personality and needs. It’s clear your parents will never be able to meet those needs. That is a hurtful thing, and it’s something you may need to grieve about. But no matter how painful a situation is (and yours is over-the-top painful), it can only be made worse by not living in reality.

Expecting or hoping that your parents will become helpful in the grief process is not living in reality. I’m sorry, honestly, to tell someone in your situation to take on any more responsibility, but if you choose to live in reality you will realize that as long as you are around them you can’t get your needs met.

If you can possibly move out, do so. If not, you need to find other resources. Call your local crisis line and ask about grief support groups. See a therapist. If in doubt, also see a psychiatrist and see whether you would benefit from meds. If you have any religious feeling at all, find a church which has a grief group.

Do whatever you need to do to find a place where you can have your needs met – where people will listen, love you, support you. As far as your parents are concerned, google ‘grey rock.’ Get up in the morning and tell yourself “today my parents are going to say more horrible and insensitive things. I expect this.

It’s as certain as the sun rising. I won’t be unrealistic and expect or hope that they can be kind and loving. They can’t. But I will try to accept their unkindness as a fact, like the sun rising, and not be disappointed by it.”

I am so sorry. I am so sorry. If anything I said is the least bit helpful, fine. If not, ignore it completely. Please accept another long, heartfelt, virtual hug. Very best wishes to you.

LongLiveSerPounce −  Where are you? You can come stay with me. My cats get along with other cats. F**k your parents.

DiTrastevere −  Your parents are bad people. You can’t fix bad people with emotional appeals. They are, at best, indifferent to your pain – at worst, they are actively trying to worsen it, to deter you from dating another woman in the future.

You already knew exactly what they were before your fiancée passed. They are making no effort to conceal their contempt for you. This is the best you’re going to get, and it’s miserable. My advice to you is to reach out to your in-laws. Your parents’ assertion that you’re “bothering” them is self-serving, and you shouldn’t trust it.

Reach out to them and express your sincere gratitude for their comfort and support. Explain the situation at home (you need not go into detail, only that your parents have been incredibly cold and unsupportive) and ask if perhaps they could use someone to help them with cooking and household chores for a little while, just to ease the load.

You’d love to visit them if they’re open to having you and you’d be more than happy to share warm memories of their daughter with them when they feel ready. If that doesn’t pan out for whatever reason, reach out to friends. Literally anyone who might give you a break from this onslaught.

Your parents are treating you so, so abhorrently and I’m amazed you’ve lasted this long without totally losing it. Please surround yourself with kindness and warmth right now. Your parents won’t give it to you, so find people who will. I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

How would you navigate grief in a toxic environment when compassion seems out of reach? Have you experienced a similar struggle, and what helped you through it? Share your thoughts below!