AITA for refusing to cook Thanksgiving lunch after 15 years?

A Reddit user shares her frustration over being expected to cook Thanksgiving lunch for the 15th year in a row. Despite juggling a stressful teaching job, parenting four kids, and a challenging year, her in-laws and husband dismiss her request for someone else to take on the responsibility.

When she stood her ground, her husband accused her of neglecting her “motherly duties.” Was it fair for her to refuse, or should she have agreed to maintain family tradition? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for refusing to cook Thanksgiving lunch after 15 years?’

For the past 15 years, I (38F) have been the one cooking Thanksgiving lunch, or at least the turkey and most of the food. It’s been a tradition, but this year, I’m completely burnt out. I’m a teacher with four kids (ages 2-15), and this year has been especially stressful with work, parenting, and school.

I just don’t have the energy to take on such a big responsibility again. I suggested that my sister-in-law (SIL1), who just moved into a new house should maybe host this year, and could make the turkey. She’s a stay-at-home mom with one child (11 months old), so I thought it wouldn’t be too much to ask.

My mother-in-law immediately shut that idea down, saying SIL1 is “unreliable” and might not wake up early enough to make it. (How is that my problem?) I then suggested my brother-in-law’s wife could also take on the responsibility. They got married this summer but have been together for over five years.

She’s never cooked a turkey before, but my mother-in-law said, “the turkey cooks itself,” so I don’t see why she can’t give it a try. Everyone else shows up to eat every year without lifting a finger, but when I suggest not cooking this year, it’s suddenly a crisis.

When I told my husband I wasn’t cooking, he said I’m just resentful because his parents helped SIL1 buy her house. That’s not true—I even suggested SIL2 could make the turkey. Then he brought up that I’m mad because every time we have a date night.

His parents tell my older daughter (who babysits her siblings) that we’re neglecting our responsibilities as parents. I pointed out how unfair that is, but he just said, “We’re the most stable, so that’s why we’re always asked to take on more.”

My husband thinks my decision not to cook has less to do with stress and more to do with his family. He said I only decided not to cook after my mom said she wouldn’t be coming over. My mom has been battling b**ast cancer for the past 10 months and just wants to stay home this year and avoid being around so many people.

Last year, my parents spent Thanksgiving with my sister, who couldn’t travel, but I still cooked for his family. In the past, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house because my family and siblings were coming over, but I’ve still made the turkey for his family for the last 15 years—even the years we hosted for only his side.

So the idea that I’m refusing because it’s his family isn’t true. My husband also said I have “five days to rest” before Thanksgiving and doesn’t understand why I can’t just cook the turkey. I explained I don’t want the responsibility of waking up early, making the turkey, and dealing with everyone asking me, “Is it almost done?”

For once, I just want to show up, sit down, and eat, like everyone else does. He threw in that I’ve been hosting Thanksgiving for the last seven years, which I pointed out is exactly why I’m tired. When I told him I didn’t want to do it, he accused me of neglecting my “motherly duties,” which really hurt.

Why should I always be expected to take on the stress of cooking when others don’t have to because they “can’t” or “don’t want to”? Well, I don’t want to this year either. AITA for refusing to cook this year?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

No_Cockroach4248 −  May I politely suggest you have a husband problem. He does not have your back and is g**lighting you. Your MIL does not respect you and appears to value her daughter and other DIL more. Your husband will listen to what mommy says and acts accordingly. NTA for refusing to cook, go visit your mom for Thanksgiving

Wrong_Moose_9763 −  Motherly duties, yeah f**k that. Your husband needs to shut his pie hole. In fact, tell hubby he either backs you or HE. CAN. DO. IT. ALL., cooking, cleaning, including before the meal and after. And don’t take no for an answer. NTA

Temporary_Analysis55 −  So your husband has volunteered to do all the prep, cooking, hosting, and cleaning? Still not good enough, since you said you’d like a break. Good luck on his marriage to his sisters/mom, since he seems to value them more than you.

Beck2010 −  “Husband, if you’re so hell bent on our hosting yet again, then it’s 100% on you. You shop. You clean. You prep. You cook. You do everything. I’m not going to lift a finger. I am not hosting Thanksgiving for the 15th year when I am burned out from life. I. Need. A. Break.”. NTA.

Drunkendonkeytail −  Glad your husband volunteered to do the cooking.

CakePhool −  NTA. HE can cook and clean the house for thanksgiving.

savinathewhite −  NTA. You don’t have a Thanksgiving problem, you have a husband problem. He isn’t supportive, doesn’t recognize what putting a big dinner like this entails, and doesn’t care about your feelings. Maybe taking a spa day with your phone off on.

Thanksgiving would teach him some manners, but I doubt it. Marriage counseling, my friend. He can take his “mothering duties” fold them until they are all sharp corners, and insert into the orifice of his choice.. The <bleeping *nerve* (*mothering duties* grumble grumble in feminist)

talbot1978 −  Are his arms painted on? He can cook/host.

Intrepid_Potential60 −  Dude you married have no arms or something? Tell him to cook a turkey. It is time consuming, but not exactly brain surgery. When we do big holiday meals, I help my wife, and we prep as much as we can ahead of time.

And we’ve found alternatives for others and ingrained them in as a tradition – we don’t do a big Christmas meal for example, we have a holiday take out tradition for that one that our entire family embraces.

Boston Market is gone, but surely someone does a big catered spread you could just pick up and place…If hubby can’t cook one for his family, he can buy one cooked.. NTA

susx1000 −  Oh f**k that m**ipulative bs. “Neglecting your motherly duties”. He’s neglecting his husbandly duties by not letting you rest. Cleaning and cooking isn’t only a woman’s job. Sounds like he’s going to make a great turkey this year. NTA. Take your kids and go see your mom.

Do you think it’s fair for one person to shoulder the responsibility of hosting Thanksgiving for years, or should families share the load? How would you handle a situation where your partner and in-laws expect you to keep up a tradition despite feeling overwhelmed? Share your thoughts below!