I [34/F] suspect my husband [34/M] is having an affair with our mutual friend [29/F] and I’m not sure how to proceed.

A Reddit user (34F) suspects her husband (34M) might be having an affair with their mutual friend (29F), Jade. After observing Jade’s flirtatious behavior and finding evidence of deleted messages, she’s left uncertain and hurt as her husband begins acting distant and critical of their differences. Unsure of how to proceed, she seeks advice to uncover the truth. Read the full story below:

‘ I [34/F] suspect my husband [34/M] is having an affair with our mutual friend [29/F] and I’m not sure how to proceed.’

My husband and I have had our ups and downs throughout our relationship of 12 years, but we have always stuck together and helped raise each other up when we were down. We have a mutual friend, we’ll call her Jade, who is married to my husband’s friend, who I will call Fred. A few years ago my husband and I went through a really rough patch where we separated for a few months.

During that time we were able to work out our differences and he moved back home. Things were a lot better than before the split, but we still had out ups and downs. During that time I confided in two of my close friends, Jade and Mary. Jade was always pretty quiet about the whole thing, which I assumed was due to the fact that she and her husband Fred were also friends with my husband.

Mary was quite vocal, which is how her personality is. She has no filter and tells it how it is, whether you want to hear it or not. After my husband had moved back home I noticed that Jade acted oddly around him. She would turn red, or act slightly flirtatious. My husband never reciprocated or even seemed to notice, so I assumed it was all in my head.

About a year ago Jade and Fred separated, and Jade moved into a house in my neighborhood. I thought this was odd because Jade and Fred lived about an hour away. During this time Jade would always call my husband and ask him for favors. To come help move some boxes, or do some minor home repairs. No big deal, right? He was the only male she knew in the general area.

But I noticed her odd behavior seemed to increase. Her conversations with him on social media increased tenfold, and the frequency in which she texted me dropped. Also her flirting seemed to increase. One day Mary was over my house and we were hanging out and Jade stopped by.

Us three girls were in the living room talking and my husband came in the room for something, I don’t remember why now, but Jade’s whole demeanor changed. She sat up straight, sorta fixed her hair a bit, all that. I noticed but again thought I was just being paranoid. Jade left not much later.

After Jade left, Mary turned to me and said “Jade acts so weird around him. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she had a crush on him.” I was shocked that someone else had noticed. I confided in Mary that I had been noticing strange behavior from Jade for a long time, but my husband seemed to be totally clueless.

We had a conversation about it, and I felt better knowing it wasn’t in my head. I did not feel threatened by her advances or question my husband’s relationship with her in any way. Later that night I jokingly mentioned to my husband what Mary and I had discussed. He seemed shocked and thought the whole thing was ridiculous.

He did concede it was strange that of all the places Jade could have moved during her split from Fred, she chose our neighborhood. He denied having an inappropriate relationship with Jade, and I believed him. We joked about the absurdity of the whole situation.

Fast forward a year and Jade is back with Fred, and Jade’s friendship with my husband has seemed to grow stronger. They talk online a lot and text each other quite frequently. I never accused my husband of having an affair, but their friendship did cause me to raise my eyebrows. Jade rarely speaks to me anymore, and my husband rarely speaks *of* Jade.

Now I’m about to admit to something I’m not proud of, but my curiosity was getting the better of me, so I checked my husband’s private messages on the social media site in which they talk. There were a lot of messages, mostly from his friends and a few from me, but none from Jade, dating back over a year

(edit to clarify: the messages are threads, so even if I don’t message him for 3 weeks, it will show up in a single thread with my old messages). I felt like a terrible person but breathed a sigh of relief. Sort of. I still had a nagging feeling, so I checked his email. I KNOW I’M A S**TTY PERSON FOR DOING THIS.

He had an email from the social media site saying he had received a private message from Jade the previous night at 11:30pm. The message just said “you awake?” But I had just looked at his private messages and there wasn’t one from Jade. He deleted it! He kept all the others but deleted the one from Jade (or many, since the messages are in threads and he deleted the thread). How peculiar.

My relationship with my husband is currently in one of our rough patches. We go through waves but are always able to make it work because we are in love, but this time it’s different. Rather than discuss our problems, my husband has started saying things like “we are too different to make this work.”

We have very different personalities but it has always been one of our favorite things about our marriage. He is able to pick up in areas in which I am lacking, and vice versa. I was completely shocked to hear him say this. He has mentioned having problems with my personality that he has never once in twelve years had a problem with.

Every trait he is picking out are things that he has in common with Jade. For example, I don’t drink or go out, Jade does. I don’t like the same music as him, Jade does. Little things like that. I asked him if he wanted to move out and he started panicking saying he didn’t know what he wants. Basically he is acting like he doesn’t know who to decide between.

Of course this is all speculation. That’s why I am here. If I ask either one of them if there is something going on between them, of course they will deny it. If I ask Fred if Jade has been acting oddly lately, I will seem like a crazy person. I don’t know how to find out what’s going on. How do I find out whether or not they are having an affair? Can I?

See what others had to share with OP:

half-dozen-cats −  here were a lot of messages, mostly from his friends and a few from me, but **none from Jade**… Oh man. That is a giant red flag sadly. I’d say check the cellphone bill to see how often they text back and forth. An unhealthy number there is more than enough ground to stand on when asking him to establish healthy boundaries.

NightOwlEye −  It does sound like some kind of affair is going on. Maybe it started during the break you and your husband took?

ArcadePoro −  After reading your comment where you said your husband walks a few blocks away to be picked up by “the guys” for overnight trips.. That sealed the deal for me. He’s having an affair with her. I’m really sorry. Is there a way you can check his phone to see who is the mystery number he’s been texting a lot or is that locked?

moyyyle −  If your husband is indeed having an affair, which unfortunately it sounds like he is, and this is a deal breaker for you, start getting your ducks in a row. Hire a PI. Seriously, do it. Gather all of the evidence you can as (depending on which state you live in) this may help you in your divorce proceedings. Hire a lawyer.

Do not tell him what you are doing. As hard as it is to keep your cool when all you want to do is let this monster out of your body, keep this to yourself. He has been keeping things from you, clearly, and is not deserving of any decency from you in return.

Work with the lawyer to get yourself organized financially and legally in the event that you want to pursue divorce. If you are able to reconcile, no harm no foul, but you need to have your own back because clearly he doesn’t give a s**t about having yours.

KrashKrunal −  If you have access to his emails, and you don’t mind being sly, just create a new email address, and get his emails to be auto-forwarded to that new email address for say a day or two. (New email address so it doesnt appear on your email account fi he has access to it)

You can set it so that when it forwards it, it leaves the message on the server, so he won’t realise. This way you can read some of those facebook messages when they come up as emails. Wont be all, but least you’ll get an idea on the frequency of the late night messages… Just an underhanded way of doing things, but if it helps give you closure one way or another… Why not.

[Reddit User] −  At absolute best he’s crossed into inappropriate relations with her. At worst he’s not only had a thing with her, this is a full blown emotional and physical affair. I think its the latter.

[Reddit User] −  I suggest spending some money on a PI that can tail him without raising suspicion. I be there will be some poor sap PI sitting outside Jade’s house for the entire night. Another option would be to track the location on this cell phone if you have GPS enabled. You can do this with iPhone or Android.

[Reddit User] −  Keep your mouth shut and dig for evidence. Try to gain access to other accounts and texts. Utilize a VAR in a location where your husband likes to take phone calls alone, like in his car or home office. Tell him your working late, and then come home earlier than you normally would due to not feeling well.

Review your phone records for abnormalities, credit card statements. consider setting up a motion activated nanny cam. No one likes snooping, but youre not going to get an honest answer out of them. Do not tip either of them off and dig. From everything youve described, it sounds like theres something to find.

ojandvodka −  you could put keystrokes on his phone or computer. You could hire a PI. I would either let it drop or do something about it. If you feel strongly something is going on, for heaven sakes, just find out. If you really don’t, just go back to being the person/couple you always have been.

SandyBayou −  That could be a Google voice number he’s texting.

This situation highlights the devastating impact of suspicion and secrecy on a marriage. How should she confront her husband, or is there a better way to handle this delicate matter? What would you do in her position? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/umWtG