How can I, 31F, better support my gay husband, 31M, who doesn’t want his family to abandon him?

A 31-year-old woman seeks advice on how to better support her gay husband, who doesn’t want to risk losing his family by coming out to them. Despite their arrangement where they are married but live separately.

Allowing him to date men, he struggles with hiding this part of his identity from his strict, conservative family. She feels like she may not be doing enough to support him in this difficult situation. Read the full story below:

‘ How can I, 31F, better support my gay husband, 31M, who doesn’t want his family to abandon him?’

My husband, 31M, and I, 31F, have been married for 6 years now. My childhood wasn’t exactly pleasant, there was a lot of violence, traumatic experiences and substance abuse. All those things left pretty deep scars, including a fear of any kind of physical intimacy or relationship.

My husband on the other hand grew up in a very strict and conservative home and his parents have always demanded a lot from him. I was bullied a lot at school, and I didn’t really have friends until I met my husband at high school when we had to do a project together. He was a popular guy, and I kind of expected him to be a j**k, but he was actually very nice.

We became friends and eventually he trusted me enough to tell me his biggest secret. He was gay. I didn’t have any kind of problem with that, but he told me that his parents and other family members would disown him if he ever told them the truth.

They’d made it very clear how they felt about “those people” and his mother had even said once that she would be nothing but ashamed if any of her kids ever turned out to be “that kind of thing”. So, after receiving a lot of pressure from his parents, my husband asked if I could pretend to be his girlfriend and drop by a few times so they would get off his back.

I agreed, but things kind of escalated from there. My husband loves his parents and siblings very much and despite their attitude, he doesn’t want to lose them. I’ve told him I didn’t have any interest in physical intimacy or relationships, so he asked if I could consider marrying him.

He’s my best friend and I love spending time with him, so after many long conversations I agreed. It actually wasn’t a bad solution, we live together, but we have separate bedrooms and he’s free to date whoever he wants. He’s not comfortable openly dating men, so it’s mostly during business trips.

I feel bad for him for having to hide a part of himself from his family, but he’s made it clear he’s not going to tell them. I guess my question is, how can I better support him? We’re friends and he knows he can talk to me about anything, but I feel I’m not doing enough.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

JanetInSpain −  It sounds like you are already truly supporting him by being his “wife”. It also sounds like he supports your desire for companionship without any physical intimacy. Honestly it seems the two of you have found the perfect solution that works for both of you, at least for now. I’m sorry he has to live in secret, and your support is probably invaluable to him.

DplusLplusKplusM −  You married him and you’re keeping up the pretext of being his opposite s** spouse. That’s already above and beyond what even the best friend in the world would do. It’s unfortunate that his family is so intolerant,

but if he believes the best way to manage is to stay in the closet – presumably until they pass away – then just helping him keep his secret is about the best you can do. But if your own childhood independent of him still plays on your mind you should absolutely get into some talk therapy to deal with that.

hexxcellent −  Might I suggest asking this in r/AskGayMen or even r/LGBTQMentalHealth instead? This sub here just has a strong bias for judging the lens of heterosexual relationships that you’re not going to get a lot of informed, nuanced responses like this situation requires.

Because it’s a g**damn d**zy. Being raised in a strict religious, conservative household like this while being gay causes so. much. trauma. As is evident by… your entire post and situation.

I strongly, emphatically suggest his considers finding a therapist who has experience with LGBTQ issues and religious trauma. This is a baby step and doesn’t require he give up his family or tell them anything, it’s purely for his own benefit.

Myaseline −  If you’re both happy and you have a stable loving marriage that just doesn’t involve romance and s** but are both content with that, it sounds like a win.

It’s a sad thing that he has to live in the closet and that you have been traumatized to the point of not wanting physical intimacy but it sounds like you genuinely love and respect each other, which tbh it’s better than a lot of couples. Families are put together in many different ways and you two are a family.

It does sound like both of you could use some therapy to heal a bit if ever feel ready to address the trauma. People act like it’s a magic cure all, which it’s not. It takes a lot of hard work and soul searching but is very much worth it. Both of the wounded children inside of you deserve a chance to heal.

T00narmy1 −  You’re already doing it. It’s incredibly kind. This is his decision, and you’re supporting him in it. I don’t think you could do more, you are already going above and beyond here. If he’s ever ready to make any changes or be more open, maybe just make sure he knows that you would support him in that as well, and through anything. Best of luck.

nbroken −  So, after reading through this and your comments, I’m going to pose a bit of an odd question to you. Why do you think your husband needs “better support”? It seems like you support him a lot, you both trust each other completely, and you’re both happy. What am I missing?

I have a sneaking suspicion that the real reason you are asking us how to support him better is that you are personally feeling unsupported in a way that you can’t consciously explain to yourself yet. Because you are so similar in many ways, and so you are projecting your own feelings onto your husband.

This could be because you are finally unpacking your trauma now that you feel safe, and realizing that while you and your husband are both comfortable together, neither of you is “happy”. You’ve told us a lot of reasons for why you’re together,

and why things work, so I don’t understand why you’d have this deeper feeling of insecurity that you need to do more for him unless you are personally feeling like the support you give each other is not enough. I think the best thing for you is to really ask yourself why you feel this way.

Also, just to add, a lot of your comments talk about how you feel safe with him and trust him. How it’s difficult for you to trust many people, and how you feel comfortable living with your husband specifically because you know he’s *not* attracted to you.

How your experience growing up with adults who behaved like violent children may have led you to believe that you have to protect yourself and stay independent, and so I think this may even be the first time that you’ve felt like you can fully rely on someone else and trust them to keep you safe.

This relationship is sort of like dipping your toes in the water and seeing how normal people treat each other and trust each other, because all of the limitations of your relationship with your best friend/husband meant that you felt safe enough to explore that,

because your trust would never be broken past the hard limits of betrayal that you may have dealt with in the past. To put it more bluntly, maybe you chose to marry a gay man on purpose, so you felt safe being alone with him?

Anyway, now that your wonderful husband has shown you that people can be good to each other and good for you, I think you should ask yourself if you want more than just trust and support from a friend in your relationship. If that is the “better support” that feels like it is missing from your relationship right now.

For a random example, did you ever want a child of your own, or are you terrified of the idea of doing to your child what your parents and other family members did to you? Having a child is a different life experience than having s**, and some of the things you are giving up with your relationship may not be the things you actually wanted to give up in life.

It may have just felt too hard to get the things you wanted because of how unsafe everything felt to you for so many years growing up, like it would be too much of a burden for a partner to deal with these restrictions. I think these are the questions you should start asking yourself.

You have already done an amazing thing for your friend, and coming from an a**sive family myself I think he probably appreciates what you’ve done for him a lot more than you think he does.

So I think it’s time for you to stop being the oldest kid looking out for everyone else and protecting them from danger, and start asking yourself what *you* want, and what *you* need support with. Maybe I’m way off base, but personally I think that’s what is actually causing you to feel uneasy in your relationship.

FinanciallySecure9 −  My aunt and uncle married because both were gay. This was in the 1940s. Everyone knew, and accepted them as is. I grew up knowing they were gay, and having no idea what gay meant.

I met a 30s ish couple last week who are married and he is very obviously gay. They seem very happy and content together. I wondered how she could possibly not know. But your story makes it make sense. All that to say, love him for who he is, and be his best friend. Have his back. That’s how you best support him.

I’m not even gay and my family has abandoned me. I became a better version of myself, and my family doesn’t like that. If his family abandons him, they have shown him their true colors. He would be better off with fond memories, and not being with people who make his memories bad.

Resident-Staff-1218 −  How can you better support him? You married him! I’m not sure what else you could do. The only thing that springs to mind is encourage him to go into therapy to help him deal with these family related issues that he’s struggling with. I’m sure you’re supportive but perhaps a professional is called for?

gumballbubbles −  You are asking how you can better support him and feel like you aren’t doing enough? You married him to hide his secret. What else could you possibly do? When will you live your life? Don’t you want to find someone for yourself?

Sexybigdaddy −  I think you should get him in therapy. Why he wants to please family members who would easily discard him if they knew the real him is a problem.

Supporting someone through the complexities of family rejection and hiding one’s true self is incredibly challenging. How can the user help her husband cope with the emotional burden of concealing his identity? Should she encourage him to open up to his family, or is it more important to continue being his safe space? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!