AITAH for telling my wife she owes me an apology for these last seven years of marriage?

A husband (32M) has spent years urging his wife (32F) to address what he suspected was ADHD, causing stress in their marriage due to her chronic tardiness, clutter, and emotional outbursts. Despite his suggestions, she resisted the idea until recently, when a friend brought it up.

After being officially diagnosed, she shared her realization with him, but he asked for an apology, feeling her refusal to address it earlier had caused unnecessary strain. She reacted angrily and is now refusing to talk to him. He wonders if his request for an apology was too much. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for telling my wife she owes me an apology for these last seven years of marriage?’

I’m 32, and my wife is 32. We dated in high school and got married seven years ago. My wife has always been a scatterbrain. Before marriage, she was always misplacing things and leaving everything half-finished.

She was chronically late, had clutter all over her living space, and would get bursts of frustration about these messes which would lead to hyperactivity into not really doing anything conducive towards a solution. I love her anyway, but at times, it was tiring.

I saw past that because I knew she was the woman I wanted to marry, and we got married when we were 25. Unfortunately, a lot of the problems that she had seemingly accelerated after marriage.

We purchased a larger house because she’s obsessed with “storage space,” but this has essentially meant two bedrooms are no-go zones for me. They’re simply full of her clutter. Once they were full, she started leaving things in my office, which I would have to move to not trip over.

I tried to convince her for years to go get diagnosed with ADHD and start treatment, but she had a really negative view of ADHD. She viewed it similarly to how she views schizophrenia or psychosis—not that there’s anything wrong with these conditions, but she believes there is.

A couple of months ago, she had a girls’ night out, and she came home telling me that she might have ADHD. I mean, I had been telling her that for years until she decided that she would have a meltdown every time I brought up ADHD.

I first figured it was because she was 30 minutes late and it caused an issue with her friend, but no. She described her frustrations to her friends, and one of them told her that she might have ADHD. A bit of a sidenote, but when I said it, it was the worst insult imaginable to her.

When her friend said it, it was helpful commentary. Well, my wife finally got herself diagnosed the day before yesterday. She came home from the doctor talking about how it explained everything. I responded that I felt I was owed an apology.

She was initially confused, but I responded that if she had actually addressed this when I asked her all those years ago, I wouldn’t have had to live with the constant stress of her chronic tardiness, clutter, emotional outbursts, and so on.

She responded by shrieking at me, and now she’s refusing to even have a word. I feel like I may have taken it too far, but were my words towards her justifiable?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Ok-Investment4742 −  Nta. I knew it was adhd before you even said it. Maybe you could have worded it better, but I can see the frustration.

Direct_Surprise1312 −  You obviously have a lot of resentment (justified in my opinion). How to deal with that….that’s a tough one. Maybe once she starts her treatment she’ll understand your point of view.

cbburch1225 −  NTA She should’ve listened. She shouldn’t have sidelined your thoughts, and she definitely shouldn’t only listen when a friend says it. Make her sleep on the couch, take the bed, King

themermaidssinging −  43-year old woman who was diagnosed with ADHD at 41, after literal decades of being incredibly confused as to why I was constantly praised for my organizational skills and time management….

but people didn’t see my five (not exaggerating) planners, and how I would write myself daily tasks that were as specific as possible. An example wouldn’t be “clean the downstairs bathroom,” but “scrub sink, scrub the shower, scrub the toilet, sweep and mop the floors,

switch out the towels and wash the used ones, wipe down the mirror,” etc. I was constantly told how smart I am and how proud my parents were of my good grades, but people didn’t see how much I needed to lock myself in a room with ZERO distractions in order to study.

People come over and see my clean house, but they don’t see all the times when I get so o**rwhelmed just looking at everything that I will plunk my ass on the sofa and binge watch my favorite Netflix show for the millionth time because I literally can’t cope with a mess.

I hid all my bizarre traits and quirks-or what I THOUGHT were bizarre traits and quirks-before my therapist gently suggested I might have ADHD, and she thought it would be beneficial to get tested. I was surprised, as I wasn’t hyperactive, didn’t fidget, etc.

Turns out I wasn’t aware that was only one type of ADHD, and I most definitely have the lack of confidence/inability to focus/mind bouncing around like a ping pong ball/crippling self doubt kind. Which, as it turns out, it constantly overlooked in females.

Point being, I was evaluated, it was determined I veryveryvery obviously have adhd, and I began medication. Holy HELL was that a game changer. I seriously feel like a completely different person. All that being said, had my husband brought up the possibility,

I would have listened to him and not flipped out or lost my mind. I knew he was wouldn’t have said it to be an a**hole, but out of concern. And it bothers me, OP, that when you brought it up to your wife,

you were the A**hole of the Universe (despite her ADHD directly affecting you) but when her friends make that suggestion, she’s going to listen to what they have to say? I don’t blame you for being upset, and I would encourage your wife to seek talk therapy as well as medication for her ADHD.

Those two combos can work wonders, and hopefully a therapist can (gently) bring it up to your wife that she was being unfair by taking her friend’s suggestion as the gospel when that’s what you were suggesting all along.. NTA, OP.

TheSassiestPanda −  I’m going with NTA because (unless you left some details out) you didn’t resort to name-calling or shouting – you simply pointed out the reality you’ve been living with that she refused to address until someone other than you pointed out the issue.

I think most people would be a little irritated in your shoes. It’s incredibly frustrating dealing with a partner who either ignores all your input or shrieks at you for bringing up your valid concerns. Hopefully she follows through with treatment and you both see an improvement in the quality of your home life. 🤞🏻🤞🏻 GL!. (Edited: typo)

Modern_Day_Macgyver −  You’re not an a**hole. These people need to get serious. You been telling her for years and dealing with all the b**lshit from it. But her friend mentions it 1 time and it all makes sense? F**k that,f**k her.

Having a condition doesn’t absolve you of what you put your loved ones through. F**king weak ass doormats people are today ( not you OP, all these stupid fucks who wanna claim you’re an AH)

Vivid_Tea6466 −  Maybe it isn’t that \*you\* said it. I went through something similar with my autism. It took me a long hard time of accepting it and I used to react negatively when people close to me would suggest that I had it, because I viewed it negatively.

The change in your wife might reflect years of her processing it, going through different stages in her own mind of going “maybe” but reacting negatively to it… but maybe having another outside party suggest it to her in a relaxed environment when her inhibitions were lowered and there was more social pressure to be kind about it helped her to finally admit it.

Maybe one of her friends have ADHD as well and helped her feel it was normal and OK to have it. I only began to accept my autism because I respected my friends who opened up to me about themselves having it,

and recognizing our similarities and that I loved them for those traits, and that then I could love myself for them, too. One of the big fears of being diagnosed with something is how others will view you in social circles for having it,

so feeling those things can be accepted by your group is very important to accepting it within yourself. And this has nothing to do with you and maybe more to do with her own internal journey. It is helpful to remember that other people’s reactions are more about themselves than they are about you.

SubstantialMaize6747 −  NTA. Is this really the marriage you’d dreamed of? Someone who ALWAYS thinks you’re wrong even when you’re clearly proven right? Her attitude about her ADHD diagnosis before and after, tells me that she’s got other red flags that you’re probably ignoring!

Head_Photograph9572 −  Well dude, you know EXACTLY where you are on the pecking order of who’s important to her! Sorry man. NTA

nn666 −  Talk to her after she takes the meds… lol

Navigating mental health discussions in relationships can be tricky, especially when one partner feels hurt by years of resistance. Was his request for an apology justified, or should he have approached it differently? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!