AITAH for blowing up at my sister because her husband’s behavior is not my fault?

A Redditor recently opened up about a conflict with her sister over behavior that seems to be attributed to the sister’s husband. During family gatherings, the original poster’s sister constantly criticizes things like the food and decor, attributing these opinions to her husband, Shawn.

Things escalated further when the sister criticized the user’s clothing, claiming it was embarrassing Shawn in front of his friends, which led the poster to walk out on a wedding planning event for Shawn’s friend.

‘ AITAH for blowing up at my sister because her husband’s behavior is not my fault?’

I (26f) live in a small town with a LOT of family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, basically everyone related to me lives here. My sister “Lilia“ (28f) married her husband “Shawn” (31m) last year. I don’t know him very well, but I don’t have a problem with him either

Every other weekend, my mom will host a party-type thing for the whole family. There’s food, decorations, music, etc. Everyone has a blast. A few months ago, my sister started acting kind of strange at these parties. Her husband isn’t a very social person from what I can tell. He usually stands off to the side, sometimes without food.

Lilia started making comments (usually to our immediate family, but sometimes to anyone who’ll listen) about how “Shawn thinks the decorations look tacky” or “Shawn thinks the music is too loud”. At first it was basically harmless, but the comments got worse and worse. She started saying things like that outside of family parties, too.

The weekend before last, she made small talk for a while before saying, “Hmm, Shawn doesn’t look like he’s having a good time. I don’t think he likes the food very much. I can’t really blame him, we don’t usually eat at low-class restaurants like yours.”

Her comments always pissed me off, but this pushed me pretty hard. My mom works really hard to make delicious food for these parties. She’s a chef at Olive Garden. I guess my mom could tell I was getting upset, so she pulled me aside and told me not say anything to Lilia, that it wasn’t a big, stuff like that. I respected her wishes, even though I really wanted to stand up for her.

Last week, Lilia called and said Shawn’s best friend is getting married. I’m a wedding planner, and she wants me to plan the wedding. I said sure.
This weekend, Shawn’s best friend and his fiancée had a joint bachelor and bachelorette party. Lilia is a bridesmaid. She invited me to come along so I could meet the bride and groom, and probably officially become their wedding planner.

When I arrived at the club, Lilia immediately grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the bathroom. She said, “Shawn isn’t happy. No one will take you seriously as a wedding planner if you dress like a s**t. You embarrassed him, and now \[the groom\] will blame him for recommending a s**tty planner!”

I had enough of her at that point. It felt like she was just using Shawn as an excuse to voice her own opinions. I said, “If Shawn thinks I’m a s**tty wedding planner for dressing normally for a damn club, he can get \[the groom\] a new wedding planner.”. I walked out and went home. AITAH?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Psychological-Bar-51 −  Is Shawn a telepath? Or a very talented ventriloquist who talks about himself in the third person through your sister. NTA always stand up for yourself and your family.

savinathewhite −  NTA. Your sister sounds exhausting… and rude. It also sounds like she has a ridiculous number of insecurities. Has anyone actually ever discussed any of the “issues” with Shawn? Because it’s entirely possible your sister is projecting those insecurities into criticism she *thinks* he might have.

Be a rebel. Every time your sister says something rude that “Shawn thinks”, walk up to Shawn and politely ask if it’s true. If your sister panics, then you know she’s making it up. I wouldn’t touch the wedding planning job with a ten meter pole, if your sister will be involved in any way. That’s a truckload of drama you do not need in your life.

HauntingReaction6124 −  Does your sister feel she married up when she married Shawn? Seems she is doing a lot of talking for Shawn and yet no one really heard this guy say anything. Makes me wonder if sis feels ashamed of her family.

ThrowRA071312 −  NTA! Sounds like a Lilia problem. In the remote possibility that all this is coming from Shawn, there’s two problems. 1. He’s a rude jassack. 2. He needs to learn how to speak for himself. I wonder how it would go if someone asked him about some of “his” opinions that his wife is spreading for him… UpdateMe.

trolleydip −  Shawn is just quiet in a corner. That is his behavior. Your sister is oversharing, or maybe even using Shawn as an excuse to be rude. Either way, she is a jerkface. I don’t think its particularly professional to walk out on a meeting. But if you already decided that you don’t want them as clients, its your right.

BadgerOk5391 −  You’re definitely not the a**hole! Lilia’s just using Shawn as a s**pegoat for her own opinions. If he can’t handle your fabulous club outfit, he can get himself a new wedding planner. You told her what she needed to hear!

aphraea −  NTA. As far as I can see, there are two alternatives here, neither of which makes you the a**hole:
1. Shawn’s manipulating your sister and getting her to enforce his bizarre standards as a means of isolating her from your family.
2. Your sister’s an a**hole who’s trying to show off for her husband.

Under neither circumstance – nor any other that I can think of – is it appropriate to control the people around you in order to appease your own “taste”. Either your sister’s an insecure j**k, or her husband is. And either way, they’re the assholes, not you. Well done for having the self-respect to set a healthy boundary.

indi000jones −  INFO: is Shawn like, actually saying this stuff? I’m half convinced your sister is moving him around Weekend at Bernie’s style. If all he does is sit in the corner at family parties and not say anything I’d A. Check for a pulse and B. Start talking to him directly.

Alice_Da_Cat −  I have an awful feeling Shawn isn’t the one who has these thoughts and feelings but that your sister is finding a way to express her pure bitchiness by passing it off as “shawn said” has Shawn ever heard her say any of these things? Is he able to stick up for himself to deny saying them or even to say yeah I do feel that way etc.

Your sister is a C\*nt sorry… Go low to no contact, no needs that negativity in their lives! Your family may want to keep the peace but you are under no obligation to do so <3

OP please wear the sluttiest thing you can to the next family get together, find the cheapest pizza shop and order all the food from there and get the tackiest looking décor you can find 🙂 Petty queen at heart here!

ZeroiaSD −  I’d really ask what Shawn really thinks, the sister constantly speaking for him is weird.