AITA For Telling My Cousin That She’s The Reason My Husband And I Have Re-Considered Adoption?

A Reddit user shared her experience of reconsidering adoption after witnessing her cousin’s hurtful behavior toward her adoptive parents. While initially supportive of adoption, she felt compelled to explore other options after her cousin’s actions caused heartbreak in their family.

Tensions flared when the cousin confronted her about her decision, leading to a heated exchange. Curious about the details? Read the full story below…

‘ AITA For Telling My Cousin That She’s The Reason My Husband And I Have Re-Considered Adoption?’

Throwaway Account. I (33f) have had fertility issues for the past couple of years with my husband (35m). We went through with consultations and while we had very promising results for treatment the cost did give us pause.

It wasn’t that we couldn’t afford it we just weren’t at the point yet where we were willing to pay. I discussed it with my husband and we were both fine with the idea of adopting.

My cousin Tiffany (25f) is adopted and she supported our choice in looking into it. However this was a couple of years back and during that time Tiffany was reunited with her birth parents and she’s been acting pretty hurtful to my aunt and uncle since then.

She keeps making post about how happy she is to know where she comes from and is happy about being reunited with her “real family.” She even talked about having her birth father walk her down the aisle as a chance to make up for lost time.

Obviously my uncle was very hurt about this but went he voiced it Tiffany got defensive. She called my uncle selfish, how this was about her and that he knew what he signed up for when raising someone else’s kid.

Before the pandemic Tiffany moved closer to where her bio mother lived so they could make up for lost time, and Tiffany kept making post after post about all the fun she was having meeting relatives, and how she called/video chatted with each of her bio parents multiple times a week meanwhile she barely texted back my uncle and aunt once a month.

I could tell how heartbroken my aunt and uncle were but tried to give Tiffany her space and the few times they said anything she accuse them of being selfish and unsupportive.

I think the biggest thing that broke them was when Tiffany promised to come by for my aunt’s birthday (COVID restrictions were lifted) and was even given the money to travel to them but then never showed up. She called literally the day before to say that her bio mom had an emergency so she wasn’t going to make it, but didn’t give back the money.

I am completely disgusted by Tiffany’s behavior and while I haven’t completely ruled out adoption entirely I did want to give medical assisted conception a try. My husband supported this and we are now currently expecting.

After we made our announcement Tiffany messaged me asking why I would spend thousands on creating a child when I could helped one who already existed. I tried to play it off but Tiffany kept pressing and calling me a bad person when there are so many children who desperately need a home and overpopulation.

It got to the point where she was pissing me off and I just came clean and said that her behavior towards the people who loved and raised her was the reason. Tiffany got really upset but I didn’t care, however, her parents are now starting to say that I was wrong so AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

eatthebunnytoo −  NTA , I’ll say it loudly every time: if you insist on pushing people past the polite answer you may get an answer you don’t like. You have only yourself to blame if the truth hurts you then.

PartyySnacks −  NTA. Your cousin is actually horrific. I’m adopted and I would never ever even ever pull some crap like this. I’m sorry that she’s such a selfish person, that she soured the idea of adoption for you.

bearspiracy −  NTA – even though it wasn’t a nice thing to say, you’re still right. it’s the truth. why would you wanna adopt a kid if they could end up like her? she’s ungrateful and selfish.

She abandoned the set of parents who love her and gave her a good life all these years for some people she barely knows just because they’re her “real parents”. i think her real parents are the ones who raised her and taught her everything she knows. She doesn’t know her bio parents from adam and they could easily be apart of a c**nibal cult.

You were definitely in the right to say what you said. i’m wishing you good luck with the fertility situation. i’m hoping you’re able to have a healthy child or adopt one who will love you forever.

mental_out −  NTA. Your cousin is an entitled a-hole. She had no right to demand answers for why you chose not to adopt or to say you’re a bad person for not doing so. Not only that but she didn’t even express an iota of happiness for your pregnancy. Ignore anyone who’s supporting Tiffany on this one. She is 100% to blame and 100% in the wrong.

No-Jellyfish-1208 −  NTA. Adoption is quite a challenge in general. You need to meet certain criteria, wait some time before you get approved etc. Sometimes the children have some issues, which makes raising them more difficult.

Sometimes situations like Tiffany’s happen. It’s not a magical solution for everyone who cannot have their own child.
While you didn’t really have to tell that to Tiffany, she shouldn’t have asked and pushed. There are many reasons why people want to have their own child rather than adopt one, and that’s none of her business in general.

bluelightsonblkgirls −  Honestly, I get OP. I lurk in r/adoption quite a lot and the majority of them seem miserable and hate the fact that they were adopted (even in the face of dangerous biological circumstances).

Stuff like that and OP’s cousin can make one wary of extending themselves in that way to adopt a child and not know if the child will always feel a way about being adopted (if the adoptive parents are good parents). NTA

[Reddit User] −  This is one of the reasons that I don’t think adoption is the panacea it’s so often pushed as.
If her adoptive parents raised her and loved her as their own, they’re not the AHs. You’re not the AH for observing how this adopted child is treating her adoptive family now.

You’re NTA for not wanting to go through that same thing in 20 years, either. Who would? Tiffany is TA for the specific things described here – pushing adoption, getting upset when you didn’t, demanding an answer as to why you didn’t go that way (as if it was her business) and then getting mad at you for your honest answer.

But she’s not an AH for wanting to know her bio family, for wanting to make up for lost time, or even necessarily for pushing away from her adoptive family. It’s complicated, but bottom line is that she didn’t ask to be given up or adopted, she’s no more obligated to the parents that raised her than any biological child would be in adulthood,

And while one would hope that she’d be nicer to them, she’s probably feeling some petty complex emotions around the whole thing, which could even include some resentment toward her adoptive parents for “keeping her away” from her bio family (even if that’s not how it was and not logical. Emotions often aren’t logical).

Or she could feel that spending too much time with her adoptive family is somehow disloyal to her bio family that she now knows and wants to keep/impress. Or she feels embarrassed that she pushed away from the adoptive family and is staying away even more out of guilt/not wanting to deal with it.

I’m not trying to give her excuses for any bad behavior, but this s**t is *complicated*. I feel kind of bad for her too – not so much for the AITA situation but just for being in a place in her life where she’s a young adult with two sets of parents and a complicated backstory, most of which she had no control over, and she has to reconcile all that.

I can see how that would lead to some less than stellar behavior. Adoption is hard on the adopted child, who gets transplanted often before they’re old enough to know what’s going on and has no say in the matter and just has to deal with whatever comes up because of it.

It can be hard on loving adoptive families who still have to worry about losing a beloved child to a bio family, even in adulthood. And it’s also hard on bio families who are often under intense pressure from family, authority figures, or just difficult circumstances to agree to it, like it or not.

I don’t know what the answer to all that is – though my guess is that it includes both more abortions and more support for young/marginalized/low income pregnant people who want to keep and raise their babies themselves.

Even so, adoption will always be a necessary thing. But it bugs me when it’s presented as this perfect alternative for both birth and potential adoptive families when it’s clearly not.

SquiggleMePengu −  NTA, your cousin is terrible.

ijustwannawatchtv −  I’m an adoptee who doesn’t have a relationship with either set of parents. No one knew how terribly my adoptive parents treated me. Some people still think they’re wonderful. Some now know the truth and have cut ties as well.

The reality of adopting is anything can happen…just like having biological children. You’re NTA for telling her the truth but letting that one situation cloud your decision kinda sucks.

chamomile24 −  NTA, she did literally ask. I do worry a bit about how this one example of adoption not working out perfectly seems to have soured you on the entire concept, though.

If your cousin had been your aunt and uncle’s biological kid and had started being s**tty to her parents for some other reason, would you decide that having biological kids is a bad idea?

Adoption can definitely complicate things, and this is an extreme and s**tty example of that, but almost every kid is going to have some s**tty and hurtful moments of teenage/young adult rebellion toward their parents.

Of course you want any kid you raise to have a good relationship with you and appreciate what you’ve done for them. But **there is no method of acquiring a child that inherently guarantees you a painless and always-easy relationship with them.**

Was the Redditor justified in expressing how her cousin’s behavior influenced her decision, or did she unfairly lash out? Should personal experiences dictate one’s choices about adoption? Share your perspectives in the comments below!