AITA for not letting my cousin experience motherhood?

A Reddit user shared their concerns about their sister’s upcoming destination wedding, which has caused tension within their family. The wedding requires significant travel expenses, making it difficult for many relatives to attend, and the user feels their sister isn’t considering the impact on others.

After expressing their worries, the sister accused them of ruining her happiness, and now other family members are siding against the user. To find out more about the situation and how others have responded, read the full story below…

‘ AITA for not letting my cousin experience motherhood?’

I have a cousin by marriage (husband’s cousin) that’s 22 and dying of cancer. It was always her dream to marry and be a mom and now that’s not going to happen. It’s hard on everyone. She has a much older fiance (30) and they had a symbolic wedding so she could have the experience.

They started looking for ways to get access to a baby that she could take care of and experience some level of child care that way, but with 2020 and ethics in general, there’s not a lot of ways to do that safely. My husband and I have the first and so far only children of our generation, who are 10 months and 23 months old.

I had hopes that it wouldn’t happen, but her parents asked me if she/they could borrow my younger baby for “a few weeks”. The cousin and her fiance would basically be playacting having a baby. Her parents would also join in on pretending. There would be photoshoots and everything. This makes me really uncomfortable.

It’s really creepy. I cannot understate how creepy I think this is. I know that her not getting to live her dreams is sad, but I don’t think this is the answer. I’m worried it will be traumatic for my baby. She’s almost a year old and will, well, notice that her entire family will just vanish overnight for what will seem like forever.

She’s also still nursing, and they don’t really seem to care about this factor. I’m really worried about problems down the road. This is setting a dangerous precedent of my child living under other guardianship. Her parents will have time to get attached and they could try to use that for familial pressure if not legally.

Her fiance is also a wild card in that regard. I said no, and my husband’s entire family is hounding us about this because her time is running out and it’s time sensitive. They say we’re being selfish. They say that we could use this as a free vacation and bond with our older child because I “popped them out so close together”.

They want to compromise now by letting me come by a few times a day to bring milk. We still don’t want to do this. AITA. EDIT/UPDATE:

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

anabolic_beard −  You are never the a**hole for not loaning your baby for a 3 week make believe photo shoot. What your cousin is going through is tragic but this is insane. Hard no and never feel guilty about this.. NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You are right in protecting your child from a situation that could lead to abandonment issues. Though info: how could they use them watching the child for a few weeks for familial pressure and even legally?

Terpsichorean_Wombat −  NTA, and my dear poor harried Internet stranger, please don’t let them into your head. Look at how you phrased this question: “not letting my cousin experience motherhood.” Life did that, and it sucks, but you didn’t do that.

This question would more reasonably be phrased “not wanting to be separated from my 10-month-old baby for months so that my cousin and her fiance can pretend it’s theirs.” That’s a totally reasonable position! Grief can make people lose their minds a bit, especially when you’re watching cancer destroy a young life that was full of promise.

I’m not saying that they are horrible people, but they are letting grief dictate their actions in wildly unreasonable ways. I know it’s terrible to see cancer destroy your daughter’s life and her hopes of being a mother, but the answer is not to relentlessly hound a young mother to give up her child to you – and with some pretty damned dehumanizing language,

because that “popped them out” crap is just crude and cruel. I know that they are angry with life and with the injustice of their daughter’s early death, but don’t let them convince you that it’s reasonable for them to turn that anger and resentment around on you.

If you can, try to see them as people whose reason is coming apart in the face of this terrible loss. Speak to them as kindly as you can, but remember that they are not behaving rationally and you should not go along with their demands. Empathize with their grief, but don’t tell yourself that you have to cure it; unfortunately, nothing can.

The best thing you can do is to urge them to seek professional help in dealing with this extremely painful loss and to be polite, gentle, but absolutely immovable on the topic of splitting up your own family.. ​

ETA: WHOAH! Walk away for 7 hours and things go crazy. Thanks for all of the love, folks. I really appreciate the pretty bling and kind words. 🙂 For unrelated reasons, this has been a crazy, hectic, stressful day for me, so thank you all very much for making the end of the day great.

pkthundr136 −  NTA, **beeg yikes**. Your instincts are correct, this is creepy AF. Your babies are at the age in which they need to securely attach to a consistent caregiver, and it’s really reckless for your family to prioritize your dying cousin’s wishes above the actual needs of your children. Stand your ground, do not compromise and do not let anyone take your children.

ThrowawayJudger −  NTA don’t do it! God only knows the effects this will have on your kid. And what the heck will the older one think? Mom and Dad can just ship you off?!?

WaDaEp −  Your husband really needs to put his foot down with his family. Omg. I’m sorry that you married into a crazy family.

happymom94 −  Are they just expecting you to not see your own child for a few weeks? NTA NTA NTA. Babies are constantly changing and learning. They are asking for you to miss some on those moments which you will never get back.

And they are compromising on letting you bring her milk?? Out of curiosity how many weeks are they planning on keeping your baby?

gonzaliz −  NTA – As a psychology major the fact that anybody would even fathom separating a child from their mother in such an important stage of their development horrifies me. As somebody who was adopted at around that age, I can say that this is a horrible idea.

When my mother (adoptive mother) first got me, I was extremely tense. I would clench my fists so hard that it would create crescents in my palms. It took my mom months to convince me her touch was safe. Rubbing lotion into my skin, singing, soft rocking, etc.

Even at such a young age, children notice when something is abnormal. And even though I don’t remember my birth mother at all, I still suffer from abandonment issues. I still hold this resentment towards her, even at the age of 20.

It’s very saddening that your cousin is dying of cancer, but you don’t need to spend a few weeks with a baby just to feel like a mother. When my cousin had his first child, simply holding her made me feel a specific responsibility that I’d never felt before.

She’s not my child, but she’s family, and in my opinion, until I actually have a child of my own, that is the only motherly protection I know right now and it’s all I need.

lawnmowerowner −  NTA children are not playthings. They are being incredibly selfish by pulling the “but she’s dying card” to manipulate you

FriscoJanet −  This isn’t motherhood! Unless she adopts your child, at best this would be “experiencing cousin-once-removed-in-law-hood”, or whatever the relationship is. The fact they refer to your experience of being a parent as “you popped them out so close together” tells you everything you need to know about how much they respect your family. This is like gothic novel level creepy.

Do you think the user was right to voice their concerns, or should they have let their sister handle the wedding as she sees fit? How would you navigate a situation where family plans feel overwhelming or exclusionary? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!