AITA for disinviintg my daughter to Thanksgiving when she won’t host Thanksgiving?

A mother, frustrated with her middle daughter Clara for consistently avoiding her turn to host family holiday gatherings, disinvites her from Thanksgiving after Clara backed out again. Despite Clara’s promise to host, she claimed her house was too messy, leaving the mother to pick up the slack once more.

This decision has divided the family, with some agreeing it’s fair and others believing it’s too harsh. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for disinviintg my daughter to Thanksgiving when she won’t host Thanksgiving?’

In our family, holidays are rotated, so one person hosts the Fourth of July, another hosts Christmas, and another hosts Thanksgiving etc.. This way, no one is constantly hosting, and it makes it fair for everyone. This post is about my middle daughter, Clara.

Clara has always been skipping her host duties, when it gets to her she has an excuse why she can’t host. It ranges but usually goes along the lines of stress or she is too busy. This results in other family members to pick up her holiday. It is frustrating and multiple people have talked to her about this.

She bailed on hosting Easter but promised me that she would do Thanksgiving we swapped holidays. At the time I made it very clear she needed to stay true to her word and if she dumped it on someone else she wouldn’t be going to Thanksgiving. It usually gets dumped on me.

Anyway, I called her asking if she wanted me to bring a dessert board for Thanksgiving. She told me that she could not host because she had just moved into her home (she moved in July), and it was too messy to host. I told her she could clean since it was a few weeks away. She told me she can’t.

I know the other kids can’t host it, (well one could but she is doing Christmas and its not fair at all for her). I informed everyone it would beat my place this year. I also informed everyone that Clara is not invited this year to Thanksgiving.

Clara was pissed when I told her that and we got into a huge argument. She thinks I am a big j**k. My other kids are split, two of them are happy since they are tired of picking up her slack when this happens while others things this is too far.. So outside opinion

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

HopingForAWhippet −  Edit: after seeing OP’s response, NTA. I N F O: have you ever had a conversation about coming to a compromise, or seeing why Clara is so adamant about not hosting? For example, do the rest of you have spouses that can help while Clara is single?

Does she have small children while the rest don’t? Or maybe Clara just has the personality where hosting is rough on her. If I were you, I’d have this honest conversation and see what middle ground can be reached.

For example, in my family, my parents always host for holidays because they have the biggest nicest home, and because they live near other people they’d like to invite. But my sister and I often go over a few days early, do the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, and make things as easy on my parents as possible.

And when there are outside guests, we take on hosting duties as well. I’m just surprised that you’d jump to ostracizing Clara from the holidays without figuring out a way for her to contribute without hosting. If she’s only willing to take in all aspects that’s one issue.

If the only thing she’s not willing to give is hosting, though, if you love her and want to spend time with her, wouldn’t you want to at least try and figure something out?

_ChloeSilverado_ −  I’m really struggling to make a judgement here because I think the concept of “everyone HAS to host one large gathering” is kind of odd to me. My sister hates hosting people in her space and I’d never want to make her do it just because it’s what is seen as fair.

On the other hand, my brother and sister in law love hosting people and parties at their house. They usually do Christmas, Halloween, Easter and have everyone over. I usually do Thanksgiving and New Years, and our parents will usually do like 4th of July, Labor and Memorial Day (they have a pool).

It just kind of worked out that everyone picked holidays that play to their strengths and my sister has been to every single event and will always offer to help set up/clean/bring things in lieu of official host duties.

I couldn’t imagine forcing her to take on duties that she hates and makes her miserable or tell her to not come to our parties, because I love her. Sure, I get stressed hosting too, but I’d rather have my sister to celebrate with then alienate her and still have to pick up slack. I think I’m leaning towards YTA because I don’t think this should be such a forced procedure

SoftImagination7322 −  This post is weird to me, why would you try and force someone to host that doesn’t want to? Her hosting is more important to you guys than being with her during a holiday?

The rotation should include whoever *wants* to be included. It sounds like you’re making holidays way too hard, gather at whatever/whoevers house is biggest and doesn’t mind visitors and everyone bring something. It really doesn’t have to be this difficult

52BeesInACoat −  You want to have the holiday without your child? You’re okay with that? Your child wants to celebrate the holiday with you but you don’t want her to? Remove her from the hosting rotation. Hug her. Remember when she was a baby in your arms.

Treasure each and every day with her. Jesus Christ, lady. There are parents out there who would give anything to have their child home for thanksgiving.

quietchaos5 −  Question is this something everyone willingly agreed to or were told this is how it is. Some people just aren’t good hosts and don’t want to host. What about having her pitch in at/with hosts on the prepping and cleaning. Should she flake? No.

She should be an adult and have an honest conversation about what’s going on with her. But booting her from family holidays seems extreme. Life is is short and sometimes there are empty chairs over the years. Don’t make regrettable choices over this. Have a conversation.

Discuss each other’s expectations, abilities, and realistically make a new plan. My way or the highway causes hurt and separation. I dunno if any one is an ah or just really bad communicators.

ThatMusicKid −  INFO: I can’t help but feel like there may be some reason why Clara won’t or can’t host. Is she neurodiverse? (some neurodiverse people struggle to invite others into their space) Does she work a particularly demanding and busy job?

ETA: while these are the two reasons I could think of off the top of my head (probably through personal experience), these are not the only reasons possible.

Fabulous-Shallot1413 −  Ok so wait… you have forced a holiday rotation schedule and one child doesn’t wsnt to do it. So instead of asking why and really making sure she’s OK you want to disinvite her from another fsmimy gathering. Yikes. Great family

lrnjrsh −  ESH. Did Clara actually agree to being part of the rotation? She clearly doesn’t want to host family events and there’s nothing wrong with that. I wouldn’t want a bunch of people in my space either!

It’s a weird hill to die on to completely disinvite your daughter from a holiday that is about spending time with family. I feel like you’re being spiteful because she’s not conforming to exactly what you want her to do.

That being said, Clara needs to set firm boundaries and make it known she is not hosting events rather than agreeing to do so and pawning it off on someone else at the last minute.

According-Rule837 −  NTA- if she’s not going to contribute in any way shape or form she can feel free to bring nothing including herself. In the past my family rotated who hosted holidays, but it was one person did thanksgiving at their house one year, another person at theirs the next.

But everyone brought something. If I’m invited to someone’s house for a meal I’m either bringing something or helping. I don’t understand the disrespect to do neither. in her case it makes her a not welcome guest in anyone’s home.

She needs to understand it’s ok if she doesn’t want to host any of the holidays, then don’t expect to continue to be invited.

KiriYogi −  NTA- she thought you were bluffing. You can offer to let her pay for all the food and your time and a house cleaner or she can’t come. She used to cheaping out- it’s time she grew up.

Was the mother right to hold Clara accountable, or did she overreact? Share your thoughts below!