AITA for telling my ex his lack of money is not my issue?

A Redditor (36F) with a 12-year-old daughter, Sadie, is dealing with her ex-husband (39M) and his new wife (SAHM, Amanda), who have been taking Sadie’s belongings and want to pull her out of private school due to financial jealousy. The Redditor refused, stating their financial situation is not her problem and setting boundaries for her daughter’s well-being. Read the full story below:

‘ AITA for telling my ex his lack of money is not my issue?’

I (36F) have a daughter Sadie (12) with my ex-husband John (39). We got divorced 5 years ago and I have primary custody while he sees her two weekends a month. Last year, he got married to Amanda who has sole custody of her kids (10&8F) from a previous marriage. Amanda is a SAHM (not for any health reasons or so on, she just doesn’t want to work) while John works at a 9 to 5.

He makes good money to support them, but not enough to live in luxury. I have a much higher-paying job. Since it’s just me and Sadie, I make sure she has the best possible life. She goes to a private school, set her up a college fund, and she has much better things than most kids (phone, clothes, etc).

I still managed to raise her to be humble and not take things for granted, and she’s one of the hardest working people I know, always making sure to get good grades and keep her room tidy. Well, the last few times she came back after a weekend at John’s, I noticed that the clothes she was bringing back in her duffel are a) not her size and b) much cheaper and poorer quality than what I usually buy for her.

I asked her why that is and she told me that while she’s at her dad’s, Amanda takes away her nice clothes and gives them to her kids while Sadie gets the clothes they buy from Target. I asked her if she wanted them back but she said she didn’t mind sharing since all her favourite clothes were kept here. The problem came when I went to pick her up last weekend.

I had a business meeting and couldn’t drive her over, so Amanda offered to just pick Sadie up from school, which hadn’t happened before. When I got there on Sunday, John and Amanda asked me to sit down with them and when Sadie came to hug me, Amanda sent her to her room quite harshly saying her punishment wasn’t over yet. I was confused because Sadie very rarely misbehaves.

They sat me down in the kitchen and said that it was unfair for Sadie to be going to a private school while her kids go to a public one, so they’d decided that Sadie would be pulled out of private school and put in the same school as the girls.

They also said I should keep up Sadie’s punishment because when they told her she blew up at them, told them it wasn’t fair, and yelled that Amanda and her kids weren’t even her real family, that all they did was steal. I told them in no uncertain terms to f**k off. I would not be pulling my child out of a school she likes, away from her friends, because they can’t afford it.

I told them they could easily make as much money as me if Amanda started working in her field because she has the qualifications and the job market is very good. I told them their money problems are not my issue, and if Sadie’s items get stolen again or they try to pull her out of school, I’ll be taking this to court.

They’ve been blowing up my phone ever since, calling me a selfish AH, and after telling the story to a friend, he told me I was rubbing my success in their face, but I still don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Still, AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

Gwvoads −  NTA – And I would make the school aware that any decisions about your daughter need to go through you so he doesn’t just do it behind your back

noregrets2022 −  Hi. I think as a loving mother, you know the answer deep down in your heart. NTA. And well done for protecting your daughter. Keep this mamma bear mood switched on. Out of all adults involved, you’re the only one fighting your kid’s corner. Your daughter really needs your support in this situation.

The only thing that I would have done differently, is I’d have taken them to court already for stolen clothes. You let it go, and now it keeps escalating because the real motive here is intense jealousy combined with laziness and questionable morality. To steal clothes instead of working? Meh, that makes me want to vomit. These people are adults and won’t change, so reasoning with them is not a viable option.

I would involve child protection service, to start with, because stealing clothes and pulling your daughter out of school against her will and without consulting her mother, is abuse. Please report it or your child will get more of the same. Also, I’m not sure if your daughter benefits from seeing her father. Even during the short time they’re together, he manages to abuse her.

It’s another thing to discuss with child protection. I would do it without warning and any previous talks with her dad or Amanda, so that they wouldn’t be able to “prepare” on how to dodge it. What you’re describing is serious, and it’s time to take an action. Good luck and please take a good care of yourself. Your lovely daughter needs your help right now.

OkRisk2232 −  NTA take them to court, that is emotional abuse. Projection of guilt much, the clothes alone would send me into orbit. Her father is a huge ass.

oy-cunt- −  NTA. Start court proceedings now. Send her to dads with clothes from target. Everything through text and email. If you live in Canada, at 12 your daughter can refuse to go on her own accord, regardless of court order. Get your daughter to a therapist to talk this out. Her stepmother is abusing her emotionally and psychologically, your ex is allowing it to happen.

AstronautNo920 −  NTA The fact that your ex-husband and his wife are pieces of crap it doesn’t surprise me that that is their reaction! But… you have a “friend” that would respond that way is no bueno friends are supposed to have your back! You work hard for your success and being successful is not rubbing it in someone else’s face

kr0mb0pulos_michael −  NTA. WTF?! Shame on them for using your daughter as a tool to hurt you. The clothes thing pissed me off to no end (believe me, I can relate with my own divorce and it’s absolutely ridiculous), but the private school thing? HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL no.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. you’re lucky enough to be able to provide for her kid and you shouldn’t be expected to give her less because they can’t afford it. amanda chose to be a sahm, she doesn’t get to complain about not having enough money to get nice things, especially since she’s been stealing from sadie. you should really look into getting sole custody cause they sound toxic and jealous af.

joyxjay −  NTA, and I want to just point out how kind hearted your daughter is even at 12. She had her clothes stolen from her, and instead of being upset like most children/people would be, she viewed it as sharing.

Really shows her character and I think that you should be really proud of how you’re raising her. Get her away from her excuse of a father ASAP… what kind of father wants to take away opportunities from his own daughter out of pure jealousy for others? So sad.

crazycatlady45325 −  NTA and go to court and have it put on record they steal her clothes. What they are doing is theft. I would also file a police report. Your daughter is being abused over there. It is up to you to put a stop to it. Why is her step mom punishing her? She has no right.

I would go to court and have at the very least overnights stopped. You are your daughters advocate. You need to protect her. Her father is feeding her to the wolves. You are in no way responsible for their finances. You are a single parent home and they have 2- so no excuse for them to play pity me.

Big-Structure-2543 −  Info: how tf u manage to keep your cool and not go off on that woman?

Was the Redditor justified in standing her ground for her daughter’s well-being, or should she have handled it differently? Do you think Amanda and John’s requests were reasonable or out of line? Share your thoughts below!