My dad died recently and I (24M) don’t want to go to my step mom’s place cause I’m still grieving

A Redditor shares their struggle with grief following their father’s recent death and their stepmother and stepsister’s invitation to spend Christmas together. While they appreciate their stepfamily’s gestures, returning to their dad’s house feels overwhelming. Read the original story below for all the heartfelt details.

‘ My dad died recently and I (24M) don’t want to go to my step mom’s place cause I’m still grieving’

My parents got a divorce when I was 6 and I haven’t seen my mom since cause she was a**sive, my dad remarried when I was 8. My step mom wasn’t a**sive but we never clicked, she tried to be my “new mom” right off the bat and I found it weird and she didn’t like how I wasn’t open to the idea right away.

She also had a daughter who’s 1 year younger than me, we didn’t hit it off either. Don’t get me wrong she’s a totally fine person but as kids she was the typical b**t so I guess it made it hard for us to really bond as kids I guess.

Once I hit my teens I had a rough patch of being rebellious and overall not a good person, my dad gave me space like I needed but my step mom didn’t see it that way and we fought a lot cause of it. My step sister was alright during teen years she got the more quiet and keep to yourself phase so we didn’t have really any conflict. But me and my step mom didn’t hit it off and once I turned 18 I moved out first chance I got.

I am now 24 and my dad sadly passed away with cancer, a couple months ago. It has been really hard on me and I felt very very thankful my step mom came up and pitched in with the funeral expenses and my step sister gave a little speech too.

Christmas is coming up and I had plans to let it pass cause it reminded me of my dad and I didn’t want to go through that. My step sister texted me saying that she and my step mom want me to be there. I said I may show up, but IDK if I want to I am still grieving and she still lives in the same house and its just rough for me cause I don’t want to remember him so soon like that.

We used to have a beer together and watch football and I haven’t done either since he died. I want to be there for my step sister and step mom especially since I’m starting to like them both and be grateful but idk if I can bring myself to be in that house again yet. So my options are either to s**k up my grief and show up, or find another day to meet up with them. What is the best way to go about this?

TL;DR:My dad died and my step mom and sister want me to show up for christmas but I don’t know if I can

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  First off, I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my dad at 22. Very different circumstances, but losing him was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. His last Christmas alive, few months before he passed, he asked me to go with him to his mother’s for their annual Christmas event.

I knew in my heart that this would be our last Christmas together. I didn’t get along well with my grandmother because she always blamed my mother rather than accepting the fact her son was a chronic a**oholic. I wanted to go, knew I should go, but put my own comfort first and declined.

I know my dad wanted me there. He knew it was his last Christmas although he never openly stated that. I had a lousy Christmas alone, dwelling on the inevitable. I’m sure his Christmas wasn’t as bright without me there. It’s one of my biggest regrets in life.

My advice? Go. Cry. Be uncomfortable. Be there for those that your father loved dearly. You’ll actually find it more healing than isolating yourself. I promise. Your wound is still very fresh and everyone’s journey of grief is different. I personally recommend some therapy, or specifically grief counseling, if you’re still struggling significantly.

A couple months of therapy really helped me process and move on from my father’s d**th. If you ever need a stranger to talk to, PM me. I hope you mull over everyone’s responses and have a healing Christmas; your father would want that for you. Cheers.

anubis_cheerleader −  I think you have the strength to go. I think it’s ok to show emotion and grief to them. Worst case, excuse yourself and do deep breathing exercises in the bathroom. You could always make up a plan, too, and say you have an obligation to a friend at x time to give yourself a smaller window of being there.

Kasiakaz −  I’m sorry for the loss you experienced. Grief is a b. It sounds like they need you ? One thing i learned in life .. running away really doesn’t help , sometimes facing that crappy thing up front and personal helps to heal .

sacredxsecret −  This is the time to pull together with those who share your grief, not push them away. Certainly, your stepmother and your stepsister are also still hurting. They are showing you that you are their family and they want to spend time with you, especially on a holiday, and especially after losing your father. It’s ok to cry. I would hazard a guess that you won’t be the only one.

ahmccmha −  you should definitely go. maybe ask them if you could have the house to yourself for an hour first, so you can have some privacy to work through the most intense feelings that being in the space will bring before you see each other?

MechDrunkineer −  Only you can decide if you are okay to go or not. Everyone else has already touched on therapy, grieving, etc. but I will add one more thought. As someone who has gone through a similar situation, if you decide you can’t go please make an effort to let your stepmom and stepsister know why. It’s hard to remember when you’re depressed and grieving but our actions affect others and they are grieving as well.

Explaining to them that it is too soon and you just need more time to process your dad’s passing goes a long way to help them understand that it’s not because of them, and to help preserve any potential relationship with them in the future.

I’ve been depressed, and have had a SO with severe depression and in my experience one of the things we forget when we are in that state is how we can hurt others. You see comments on Reddit a lot expecting others to automatically understand when we ghost them or turn them down for the 20th time, but it just doesn’t work that way.

fiery_valkyrie −  Losing a parent is tough and it hasn’t been very long, so I am sure your grief feels very intense. After my dad died one of the things that I found helped was spending time with my family, sharing memories about my dad. It gets the tears flowing, but it’s always really nice to share those happy memories and get to hear stories about my dad that I never knew about.

This might be a little too soon for you to want to do this, but do keep it in mind. No matter what he’s always going to be your dad and there’s a part of him living on in you and your memories.

kw5112 −  Can you meet them somewhere neutral? I’d like to see you for the holidays but I am not ready to go to the house

sweetpeppah −  avoiding grief doesn’t actually make it go away. IME it makes it sharper to avoid it and try to protect yourself from situations that might hurt you. allowing yourself to feel grief helps you reckon with it and allow it become part of you. it helps you share it, find ways to get through and around it. and to let it eventually reduce intensity.

that said, if you really don’t want to be in the house, maybe suggest an alternate way to spend some time together, like going for a walk, or some other activity, or meeting somewhere else? sending you strength and love for a tough time.

Rifter0876 −  Id go. I lost my dad this year too, all the first holidays are the worst, the first birthday, the first fathers day, and next week will be the first Christmas, and i for sure want my family around me. If we cry we cry, it is what it is.

Should the Redditor prioritize spending time with their stepfamily to honor their dad’s memory, or is it more important to give themselves the space they need to grieve? How would you navigate this delicate situation? Share your thoughts below!