I am sure my wife just cheated on me?

When trust is the cornerstone of a long marriage, even small signs can shatter the foundation of your relationship. In today’s narrative, a 40-year-old husband recounts how subtle changes and unexplained behavior in his 43-year-old wife led him to suspect infidelity. After 10 years of marriage and 13 years together, her sudden need for “me time,” coupled with suspicious texts and uncharacteristic preparation for an outing, has left him reeling.

Despite being a supportive partner—handling all the childcare, housework, and maintaining open communication—he now faces the possibility of divorce. Yet, he worries that breaking up the family, especially for the sake of his children’s stability, might make him the asshole. Is he justified in wanting to file for divorce if his gut tells him his wife is straying, or should he try to salvage the relationship for the sake of the kids?

‘ I am sure my wife just cheated on me?’

I (m40) think that Last night my wife (f43) cheated on me. We have been maried 10 years, together for 13 She went out to “buy some stuff for the home”, which is weird, she hates doing that, and she went with a male freind I dont know. She stayed out for several hours. It was weird because she spent the day getting ready like it was a date.

And when she was gone I grew suspicious and checked around the room and she had put on her sexy underwear meant just for our bedroom. I do all the childcare so I put the kids to bed. She showed up after and refused to tell me most of the details of the man she was with, and told me that in order to stay in our marraige she needed some time that was just for her.

She only told me his first name, and when I thought back, I had seen that name pop up in her texts for the last several months. I didnt think anything of it at the time because its the name of a work friend she has and they often need to reach out to one another after hours for big projects. I think that she has been slowly building up the “courage” to cheat on me,

and over the last 2 months our s** life has collapsed to zero and she has grown extre.ely hostile without any reason given, seemingly out of nowhere. Last week she told me she doesnt want to be married and it has nothing to do with me. (An outrageous assertion) Before everyone says I dont do enough as a husband, I do 100% of the childcare, shopping, housework and I work from home, though she is the primary breadwinner.

I am emotionally available and mature, and I dont have a temper. I stay relatively fit and am attractive enough. I am not controlling, I dont object at all to her having male friends, but this screams affair. I am utterly shattered and I feel like I am dying. I dont even know how to talk to her about it. She has been so angry lately that communicating with her is a nightmare.

This is a throw away account, I am too ashamed to post it to my main. I want to divorce her, but that would break apart my children’s home. If I file for divorce would that make me the a**hole?

Expert Opinions:

The Importance of Trust and Communication
Dr. Henry Cloud stresses that trust is the bedrock of any long-term relationship. “When one partner withholds crucial details and changes their behavior without explanation, it creates a rift that, if not addressed openly, can undermine the entire relationship,” he explains.

Addressing the Subtle Signs of Infidelity
Dr. Laura Markham notes, “Suspicion often arises from a series of small, seemingly insignificant actions that add up over time. When a partner’s behavior deviates from their norm—especially in areas as personal as grooming and communication—it can be a red flag worth investigating.”

Balancing Self-Preservation and Family Stability
Dr. John Gottman advises, “It’s essential to weigh your own emotional well-being against the potential impact on the family. Sometimes, the pain of betrayal can justify a decision as drastic as divorce, but it must be approached with careful, clear communication and, if possible, professional counseling.”

Solutions Proposed by Experts:

• Open Dialogue: Initiate a calm and honest conversation with your wife about your concerns and the behaviors that have led to your suspicions.
• Professional Counseling: Consider couples therapy to help both parties navigate these difficult emotions and to establish clearer communication channels.
• Personal Therapy: Individual counseling may also help you process your feelings of betrayal and decide on the best course for your emotional well-being.
• Legal and Financial Advice: If divorce seems inevitable, consulting with a legal expert to understand the implications for your family is a wise step.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit users are divided on this issue. Many empathize with the husband, feeling that persistent unexplained behavior and vague details naturally lead to doubts about fidelity. Some argue that his instincts are valid, and that protecting one’s emotional health is paramount—even if it means risking the family’s stability. Others suggest that, given the gravity of the situation, seeking professional guidance before making any final decisions might be the best course of action.

[Reddit User] −  Lawyer up yesterday. Don’t react emotionally to anything.

Carebear7087 −  If you do 100% of the childcare things won’t really change for the kids.. I hope when you file that you go for child support and alimony.

Robinnoodle −  If.you do divorce child custody and how you’re going to support yourself should be your biggest two concerns. If she has always been the bread winner you may be able to get alimony. Sounds like an affair to me, at least an emotional one. It is possible she hasn’t slept with this man (yet?). I wonder why and how you all got here. . Sorry for you and stay strong

Cyber_VtM_DnD −  Get evidence first. Thats the most important thing from what I have read from these horrible stories of affairs. For your own sanity. Get screen shots and anything else you can find. If you file for divorce you are going to need that proof in court.

TallOldBtm680 −  She already told you she does not want to be married and with this evidence, you would not be the AH for wanting a divorce. Sounds like the marriage was headed this way before the apparent cheating.

aroundincircles −  Step 1) talk to a lawyer Step 2) do what the lawyer tells you to do. NTA, 100% sounds like she is not wanting to be married to you regardless if she’s cheating or not.

Humble_Evening_7668 −  Even if she didn’t cheat, y’all sound miserable and are doing the kids a disservice by staying together. Sorry you’re going through that, I think it’s healthier for ourselves and children to watch us fight for our right to happiness, so they don’t repeat the pattern when they’re grown, and have more agency to go for what they want.

You’re teaching them to settle. Then they will enjoy y’all more and vice versa when you’re in a more grounded place, not dealing with her resentment day in and day out. Rebuilding your kingdom is %100 worth it, had to do it a year ago for same exact reason. The kids are happier too.

beezzarro −  THIS IS KEY!!! : collect bills, hospital transcripts, school report cards, anything that is a piece of paper that ties you to the children as the primary caregiver. You need things on it to heavily imply or explicitly indicate that you are doing the childcare. It is so hard for a father to be acknowledged as the primary caregiver without a mountain of evidence that goes back, at the absolute least, six months.

Most of the western world simply defaults to the mother being the primary caregiver and you would need a notarized piece of paper from her that says you are in charge of the kids. Seriously get everything you can. Receipts for school supplies, notes put of your daily planner that show appointments for the kids in your handwriting. EVERY. LAST. SCRAP! ALL OF IT!

Screenshots of texts from your wife that outline a typical work week for her to show how often she’s out. You need to paint a mind picture of a caregiving father that a three year old would examine and say “oh yeah, that guy does it all for his kids”.

No-Performance2445 −  I’m not sure why everyone’s advising you to get evidence etc. and glossing over the fact that she’s told you she doesn’t want to be married.  To be brutal, she has broken up with you. It doesn’t sound like your or our views on whether you should get a divorce or not are relevant. You are getting divorced, take the steps that are appropriate for you. 

This story forces us to ask: When does suspicion justify the heart-wrenching decision to end a marriage? Is it fair to consider divorce when you feel betrayed, even if it risks breaking up your children’s home? Or should you fight to rebuild trust for the sake of family stability? Where do you draw the line between self-preservation and sacrifice? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights could help others facing similarly painful dilemmas.