Wife wants to be a SAHM?
A Reddit user is grappling with increasing tension in their marriage as their wife, a teacher, expresses a strong desire to become a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) to care for their 7-month-old daughter. While they share dreams of buying a home and improving their living situation.
The financial realities of their $105k combined income in Massachusetts make this goal seem impossible. Now, they’re seeking advice on how to navigate these disagreements and find a compromise. Read the full story below for more details.
‘ Wife wants to be a SAHM?’
My wife (31F) is a teacher and I (31M) have a 7 month old daughter. We are both from a MCOL area in Massachusetts and our household income is $105k. We both have had a plan of saving and buying a home in the next two years. We currently live in an apartment in a not so great city.
She is increasingly putting pressure on me and we have been arguing more and more because she is insisting she wants to be a SAHM, but with the cost of housing, daycare, everything else, and what our dreams are it’s not feasible. I apply to jobs that pay more constantly and I do get interviews,
but even if I do land one of these jobs it won’t equal what we currently make together (i make $65k now). She says she knows she can’t quit, but it’s a constant battle all the time that is putting more and more pressure on our marriage. What do I do? How do I compromise?
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
ProfessorShameless − If she is a SAHM, why would you need daycare? Just a thing that is confusing me about your post. Unfortunately, if you can’t afford for her to take years off to be a SAHM, then she can’t be a SAHM. Unfortunately, the laws of math are pretty rigid, and you can’t make numbers work together with sheer will and prayers.
You need to sit her down and explain to her that her constantly talking about this is causing stress to you and strain on your marriage. Unless she has a comprehensive financial plan of how it could comfortably work, she needs to drop it.
breakfastpitchblende − She needs to explore why she’s fixated on this – is she o**rwhelmed? Feels like she’s missing out on child time? Maybe therapy to give you both some breathing room?
Rottetrol − Lol, win the lottery i guess? Dunno what you want people to say. Its tough these days on 1 income.. especially with children.
Beauby4 − From someone living in MA as well my husband makes about $100k and we can live somewhat comfortable just off of his salary. With both of you making around that it isn’t feasible especially if you don’t own a home yet. I work on and off in marketing so my income is our savings and extra money.
Your mortgage is the lowest amount you will pay each month owning a home. Meaning, there is always something that comes up… lawn care, repairs, leaks, etc. it never ends. It’s an investment obviously but if you get qualified for a home on both your incomes and then she quits, life will be miserable and you’ll be in serious debt.
Honestly, I suggest she change careers. Teaching is really draining and maybe that’s why she is pushing to stay at home. Making $40k is not hard anywhere in MA and even driving a school bus and she can take the baby will make about the same and more flexibility during the day. She can always go back to teaching.
I’ve also realized that being a woman and being married and having children and having a career is extremely difficult to manage all of it. Is she main caretaker of your baby, and household management too? Does she do the majority grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry?
You can say you do the dishes once in a while sure but most men aren’t scrubbing the bathroom floors every week or so. It’s a LOT of work running a house too. Most women I know have to put their careers on the back burner especially when children are young to take care of everything.
If you take daycare out of the equation (if she was staying home this wouldn’t be needed), and possibly live in a more suburban area with lower rent and maybe you can commute a little further, would this free up enough money?
Sabineruns − As a former teacher who transitioned to remote work, I recommend she start building the skills to find a work from home role.
sweetpeppah − It sounds like ‘SAHM’ is a solution to a problem she’s having. You need to know exactly what that problem is and brainstorm other solutions together. Maybe there are solutions other than her quitting her job?
Like, if her job or schedule is difficult to balance with parenting what could change about either of those things? What support could she get to make her job better? Is there any way she could shift her schedule or work part time? What child care is kiddo in now and does that feel safe and good for everyone?
Is she feeling like she’s missing out on kid milestones or emotionally feeling like she’s letting her kid down? What story is she telling herself about being a working parent? How much maternity leave did she have and how did she feel while she was home? How long has she been back at work?
How do you divide up household chores and childcare in eves and weekends? What family and friend support do you both have? How does she rest and recover and dissipate stress? Budget-wise… You gain back whatever you’re paying for childcare now if she stays home.
What other tradeoffs could you make if the household suddenly made less? Maybe she’s fine staying in the apartment longer if she could stay home for a while. What can budge about the budget? Don’t keep having the same fight, try to find a way into different attitudes and a conversation about what actually needs solved.
fightmaxmaster − She says she knows she can’t quit. So what’s the actual battle about? I get she might want this, you might too, and it’s not financially feasible, so that’s a shame. But why is it leading to *arguments*?
Is her point basically “I want this, so get a better job and make it happen?” Because that’s hardly reasonable, you can’t get blood from a stone. What “compromise” is actually viable here? Giving up on a “dream”?
I don’t get why *she’s* putting pressure on *you* to make *her* dream a reality. Nor do I get why you’re fighting about it, unless the answer to both is basically “she’s being demanding and unreasonable”, but I don’t want to jump to that conclusion.
You both need to sit down with a list of money in, money out, dreams vs. reality, needs vs. wants, and just figure out what your achievable options are. Some magical solution whereby you suddenly double your income so she can become a SAHM probably isn’t on that list. Does she accept that?
Might be she’s got unrealistic expectations, might just be that tensions are high because she *knows* her dream isn’t doable, and that’s upsetting and difficult, but there’s not a huge amount to be done.
But fighting about it won’t help anything, and even if she’s being unreasonable, it takes two to argue about it, so you need to make an effort to deescalate things yourself, or at least not escalate them. Not saying it’s your fault, but nobody’s *making* you fight with her.
Rochelle-Rochelle − Teacher here. The first year is alway the worst/most stressful. I wonder if she sees SAHM as an escape from the stresses and hard work of teaching – in addition to wanting to bond with baby.
Talk to wife about her teaching career: does she really want to leave the profession or could she change grades/schools/districts? With her skillset, is there another job or career your wife could do instead to help supplement income?
ravenlit − If you all have gone over your finances and it’s not possible then next time she brings it up just ask her, “okay, what do you propose we do?” Keep putting it back on her to come up with a solution. And if there’s not a solution then stop having the conversation.
“Wife, we’ve looked at this and both agreed it’s not possible. I’m not sure what you want me to say.” Don’t let her drag you into her misery if all she wants to do is fight about it. That’s not healthy for either of you.
Thinkngrl-70 − I think you need a neutral party here, like a marriage counselor, to weigh in. Her job is stressful so she wants out, but your combined income is necessary if you want to buy a home. “When money problems come in the door, love goes out the window!”
Is it possible to strike a balance between financial stability and the desire to prioritize family life? What advice would you give this couple to navigate their differing priorities without jeopardizing their shared dreams? Share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below!