Wife (F33) gave me (M35) an ultimatum that I can’t fulfill, but it’s hard to set a boundary. How do I best navigate this?

A man finds himself in a complex and emotionally fraught situation after his wife gives him a tough ultimatum regarding starting a family and financial expectations. As an immigrant dependent on his spousal visa.

He struggles with the challenges of setting boundaries while facing the potential collapse of his marriage and livelihood. He’s seeking advice on how to navigate these turbulent waters. Read the full story below.

‘ Wife (F33) gave me (M35) an ultimatum that I can’t fulfill, but it’s hard to set a boundary. How do I best navigate this?’

So, we’re together for 4 years, married for 2, and it’s been rough for the past six months or so. Something about my spouse has changed – she started having really powerful and increasingly frequent emotional outbursts when something doesn’t go her way, or her expectations are not met.

During those she will drag me (and only me, she doesn’t do that to others thankfully) down and treat me like the worst human being in the world, berating me and sometimes threatening divorce.

That said, after an outburst is over, she will always apologize and outside of them she is a very supportive partner who I believe genuinely loves me and who accepts my expressions of love as well.

To avoid running afoul of rule 4, I won’t go into detail about her mental health, and the actual advice I want is about a more specific situation. The outbursts are just part of the context. So, a couple of months ago I quit my job to start my own business in my field.

This was something that I did after thoroughly discussing it with my wife and with her explicit encouragement. I articulated numerous times to her that the transition most likely would cause us some financial hardship for a period of six months to a year, and she always told me she would be fine with that and would also work to support us.

Currently she is between jobs. Her taking up even a modest part-time job would be enough to keep us safely afloat. Now, the same week I quit my corporate job she sat me down and told me that she wants to start trying to a baby. Like, now.

When I pushed back on that and asked her to wait until my business is a little more off the ground, it led to a big fight and a divorce threat – or rather, for the first time in our relationship, a divorce ultimatum: start trying now or we’re done.

After she calmed down, she agreed to wait a month, which frankly is nowhere near sufficient but it is what it is. When I asked her what we’re going to do if the child is born before we’re financially secure, her response was that she’ll get jobs, I’ll get more jobs, her family will help with childcare, and we’ll pull through.

Not easy, but okay, if we both work, if we both commit to it, it’s doable. The transition to running my own outfit started better than I expected and I was able to make a slightly bigger chunk of money at the start than we planned for. Still, this doesn’t change the fact that I need my wife’s financial support during this stage.

And yet, just a few days ago, during another outburst caused by an unrelated issue she suddenly told me that she doesn’t feel secure with me anymore, doesn’t believe I can succeed independently,

and (and that part was the real kick in the stomach) doesn’t want to balance childcare with work and so wants to be a SAHM for the first 2-3 years of our child’s life. And finally, she gave another ultimatum – secure a “sufficient” (she declined to name a sum) income by the end of next year, or we’re done,

regardless of whether we’re parents by then or not. After she came back to her senses she did apologize and claimed she “didn’t mean” what she said, but I haven’t quite had the courage to ask if that includes the divorce ultimatum and the SAHM part.

Realistically, given the conditions she has set, I would need to be making enough by next year to provide for a SAHM wife and an infant. I’m not sure I can meet that within that timeframe – which is exactly why I wanted to wait before trying for a baby.

Now, normally ultimatums like the ones she gave me would be where I would set a hard boundary. To her last one I would say “Honey, I would love to provide that lifestyle for you, and I plan to eventually, but getting there in one year is not something I can honestly promise. More likely than not I won’t achieve that so soon.

If that’s a deal breaker for you, if waiting longer and/or working yourself is totally unacceptable to you now, then we might need to start thinking of separation” As much as it would break my heart to even talk of separating, let alone actually going through with that,

I believe in the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries to have a healthy relationship, and also in good old honesty and not making promises I’m not sure I can keep. The problem is, I’m an immigrant and depend on my wife for my residence status here (not the US).

In fact, until I can secure permanent residence, which is a couple of years away, my ability to even run the business hinges on maintaining my spousal visa here. So if I set that boundary and she decides to separate, that’s it, I’ll be finished.

My best hope would be to try to quickly get a job that can sponsor residency for me, but that’s *extremely* unlikely to happen and realistically I would probably have to go back to my country of birth where none of my skill sets could land me a job and where, due to international sanctions,

I wouldn’t even be able to transfer any of my savings or even just carry them back as cash. I’d be destitute. My wife doesn’t know how much I depend on her. She understands that the spousal visa affords me more freedom but doesn’t quite realize how bad the consequences for me would be if I were to move back.

Initially I didn’t want to tell her that because I didn’t want it weighing on her in case she ever considered divorcing me, and now that she’s been having those emotional outbursts I’m also wary that if I told her, she might impulsively use that knowledge to do something we both might badly regret later.

Now, many will probably ask why I chose to become so dependent on my wife. Before that, I was relying on employers to sponsor my residence in this country and going from that to my spouse, someone I was marrying because I saw her as a kind and supportive partner and the love of my life, felt like an upgrade.

I trusted her more than any of my employers and generally still do. I just didn’t expect that she would ever make such demands on threat of divorce. If there were any red flags I sure as hell missed them. As it stands, it’s been a few days and things between us are back to normal except obviously her ultimatum still weighs on me.

So far I just can’t find the courage to talk about it with her. I’m already talking with a legal professional about my options in case she does decide to end the marriage, but my question to the sub is – how do I best navigate this going forward, if my ideal goal is to save our marriage and relationship?

So far my plan is to just sort of hope for the best and keep the current course. I understand that the outcome is not up to me only, but I’d like some outside opinions on how best to move forward – perhaps tell me what you would do in such a situation?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

sanguinepsychologist −  *She won’t treat your child any better than she treats you now.* Read this over and over until it sinks it. As a mom, having a child is a *huge* emotional and physical toll on top of all the financial strain. If someone is already experiencing significant mental health difficulties,

pregnancy and postpartum could absolutely TANK them, and then you’re left taking care of a newborn *and* a person who has no capacity to work on top of being a danger to themselves and possibly others.

If she struggles handling things not going her way now, I assure you, caring for a newborn will push her way over the edge. Because newborns do absolutely nothing according to anyone’s plan.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS −  Don’t have kids with this person for God’s sake. She’s unstable and cruel. With your current situation as it is, a child is the LAST thing that should enter this chaos. Even IF you do have a child, don’t you see that there’s always gonna be a threat to your parentage? She’ll get you deported and you’ll never see that kid again.

Throwaway_Tom_Sawyer −  She is emotionally a**sive and using divorce to try to manipulate you. Those are not traits of someone that truly loves and cares for another person. Sorry but things are not likely to get better on their own with hoping for the best. Having a baby will make a relationship like this much worse.

The stress will be much higher and fighting will be much more intense. If she truly loves you and treats you like this, how will she treat her baby, when things are not going her way? You need to get some outside help. Things sound like they are spiraling out of control fast.

Hyacinth_Bouque −  Why would you quit a job to start a business when you are on a dependent visa? 

nonoinformation −  I think your first priority should be your immigration status. Be careful with S** (abstinence is the best way to avoid her tampering with birth control, but try to find believable reasons why you can’t at the moment) and avoid bringing a child into this.

But also start applying for lots and lots and LOTS of jobs that could sponsor you, especially if your own establishment is irrelevant unless you have a sponsor of some sort.

If you’re in the EU or the UK, try extending your search radius to other countries as well and research if there are any visas for people in your position or any countries near your current one that have an easier visa route.

You can entertain your wife for as long as possible and keep her in the dark, but be careful about her growing instability. She’s been turning up the heat and is trying to bend you to her will.

It might be an undiagnosed mental health problem and you should try to get her checked out, but you should not agree to her demands in the process. You’re not ready for a child and you’re also not ready financially to have her be a SAHM.

If this still happens because she might just make unilateral decisions at this point, regroup with your legal professional. Some countries also allow for a separation from an a**sive partner while you’d retain your visa status. If she gets more extreme and you have tangible proof, you should ask your lawyer about this route.

If you feel safe to do so, maybe there’s also a way to strengthen the relationship via more frequent dates and a gentle nudge toward couples therapy (but be careful during therapy, so that she doesn’t weaponize your thoughts against you),

maybe under the guise that you’d like for both of you to be on the same page before such major commitments in the near future. I do hope that your relationship recovers and gets more stable, but if it doesn’t, then I hope that you can find a way to stay in your current country regardless of your relationship status.

Iffybiz −  You should NEVER have children with someone who keeps using the divorce card. Odds are she knows exactly what it would mean if you lost your visa. You are in a bad relationship and unless she agrees to get professional help, it will only get worse.

It may be time to start over. End the marriage, leave the job, move back to your home country and start over. While I don’t know the situation in your home country, I know that living in a marriage with the person you are with will end up in disaster.

FunnyEfficient1108 −  I pray for God you don’t ever get this woman pregnant. I pray for any kid around this woman. What you should do is pull the trigger and end the marriage and downsize and with that money get your business off the ground.

See if you can go back to your corporate job and be sponsored or hell take up some classes and see if you can get a student visa in the mean time.

Why would you want to stay with someone so unstable mentally who constantly puts you down and is basically bribing you for a kid she is not mentally capable of taking care of? What would I do in this situation. RUN 

Dry_Expression_7818 −  If it’s a sudden change in personality she needs to see a doctor first and foremost. It may be an indication of underlying hormonal issues, neurological issues or a burnout. I’m thinking of the latter given the compulsive need to escape her current life.

You need to sit her down and tell her: “I want to give you everything you want, but with how volatile you are being lately, we can’t bring a child into the world. So while I work on creating financial security, I need you to see a doctor.”

You’re stuck until you become a permanent resident. So try to make it better and whatever happens, don’t show her you’re fully dependant on her. It’ll make matters worse.

Purrminator1974 −  You should speak to a lawyer about your immigration status. Also please don’t have a child with this woman. I grew up with an emotionally volatile and a**sive mother and a workaholic father who never set boundaries for her tantrums and never protected me from her outbursts.

I am now 50 and I have lifelong CPTSD because of the abuse and trauma. It doesn’t matter if a person is ‘good’ or ‘well meaning’ if their actions cause harm. Please do not bring a child into this world if she’s going to be their mother. Even more so if she’s going to be the SAHM and you are not always present and supervising her

boytoy421 −  If this is newish onset it sounds like it could be an emerging mental illness on her end. Do you think she’d be open to an evaluation?

Balancing personal aspirations, marital expectations, and immigration dependencies is an incredibly tough position to be in. Do you think open communication and couples therapy could help this couple navigate their conflicting needs,

or is the marriage already on shaky ground? How would you approach such a delicate situation? Share your thoughts below!