Wife (33F) and I (38M) are pretty much at the end. She crossed a redline and I don’t know how or if to proceed

A Reddit user (38M) shares a deeply troubling account of a night where his wife (33F) became blackout drunk and engaged in behaviors that endangered their two young children, including physical aggression toward him. Despite her seeking postpartum support and therapy, he’s grappling with whether their relationship can be salvaged and how to move forward in the best interests of their family.

‘ Wife (33F) and I (38M) are pretty much at the end. She crossed a redline and I don’t know how or if to proceed’

Sorry for the long post, there’s a lot to process and I don’t know where to start. A few nights back, we met up with some of my friends from work to blow off steam from social isolation, it was our first time in a social setting since March – the beginning of COVID stay at home orders and also when we welcomed a son. We met at a brewery, then went back to another couple’s house. Lots of beer over a 3 hr period at the brewery, then we stayed at the other couples house until about 10:00 pm, or about 4 hours.

Way too late, but we both got wrapped up in the moment. I cut myself off at about 9 and had maybe two beers in a 3 hour period before that. My wife was obliterated though. Not the safest decision, but I felt good enough and decided to drive home. Wife has work the next day, we have two kids, and we are an hour from home, safety, and frozen b**ast milk. I felt sober but would not have driven in other situations. She passes out in the car.

Around 11pm we arrive back to our place, she wakes drunk and disoriented and starts ordering me and our daughter around in our apartment garage. Blackout drinking episodes were a recurring issue with her earlier in our relationship but have not happened in about two years to this point. I ask her to just get in the house, it’s late and we need to get inside. She then brings out a laundry list of complaints she has about me and grabs our son. I remove our daughter from the situation, sending her back into the house.

This angers her even more. Wife refuses to bring son back in the house; and then brings him back to the car and puts him in his car seat. There’s shouting on both sides, and afraid for my son- I threatened to call police (would have been disastrous for all involved but all I could think of doing). While she’s fiddling around on the driver side, I removed our son and brought him in the house. I proceed to feed him so he can go to sleep safely in his crib. She enters the house during his feeding and about 20 minutes after us and all hell breaks loose.

She follows me throughout the house trying to take our son from me. Lots of shouting. Any distance I create is closed immediately. I again threaten to call police, but now my daughter is up and crying from a situation she doesn’t fully understand. Wife takes daughter into her room and slurs through speech I can’t understand while I am rocking our son in his room. When she leaves daughters room, I go in and apologize to daughter for everything that’s happening. This sets wife off even more.

As I try to change son’s diaper on our couch she’s physically trying to pull me away from him. Despite that, I finish changing him then again try to create space by going to our room (small apartment not many places to go). She follows me, stumbling and shouting. I move through the room trying to stay away from her while holding our son. I refuse to hand him over to her. She then slaps me in the face, twice.. It’s now about 1 am.

She’s threatening divorce and pushing every known verbal trigger. Completely frustrated at this point, I point out that I am his main care giver and these actions of hers would support me getting custody. She goes nuclear. After about 30 minutes she starts to calm enough that I at least let her touch her son. We continue to talk and I set him on the bed. She then snatched him up and walks around the apartment with him. In a ridiculous foot race around the apartment I’m begging her to put him back in his crib.

Eventually she passes out in bed with him.. It’s now 2 am. I wait ten minutes and pick up our son, put him in his crib, and lay down between it and the door in a blocking position. No sleep for me.

4 am, wife wakes up and tries to get him out of his crib. I talk her out. For the next two hours this will happen repeatedly. Wife alternates by demanding she and I talk and trying to pick up son. One of these are happening every 5-10 minutes. My repeated demands for her to give me space, stop talking, and let our son be are ignored. There’s nowhere I can go that she will not stop following and harassing me to talk to her, I can’t leave the apartment and the kids with her in this state but I don’t want to be near her at all.

It’s now 6 am. She sobers up, admits to her behavior, and apologize. Son wakes up and needs to eat. I let her do this and finally pass out, getting a little less than two hours. There’s so much to process here that I don’t know how to proceed. She got physical with me, which is a very bright red line. I wasn’t physically hurt, but it is emotionally damaging and that can’t be put back in a bottle… I’m afraid it will only escalate on her end from here.

There’s the threat she presented to our son while blackout drunk. The horror of my daughter seeing us shouting at each other. The complete disrespect for my need for time and distance. The litany of perceived slights and transgressions that she rolls out in every argument. The postpartum I’m very much sure she’s experiencing.

The next day I demanded that she finally address her postpartum and that we needed extensive counseling for any chance that our relationship could survive. She sought a therapist for postpartum, joined a postpartum support group, found a separate marriage counselor for us both, and stated she would see a physician.

She’s still angry at me and focused on the fact I said I would have called the police, and that when she divorced me I would try to get custody. We argued again last night and she woke me up to argue again this morning. I’ve been sleeping on the couch because I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. She thinks an apology should have been enough, but I am devastated.

After this event I’m not sure that therapy will even work. I was mostly catatonic and didn’t even eat for two days. I can’t talk to her, look her in the eye. Events from the night keep flashing through my head. She stated I can’t bring up anything regarding a threat to our son or CPS will be involved and we will both lose him. I need advice, how can I even begin to cope with all this?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

adhdandwingingit −  CPS isn’t going to take the kids away from a responsible parent. When you brought up divorce and custody, that’s a very real and legit consequence of her choices. And she should know that her behavior has consequences. Your responsibility is to your children. Next time this happens, bring the kids to your room and lock the door. I’d advise getting a lawyer now so you know your options, whether or not you choose to divorce.

And document document document everything. I took detailed notes on my ex’s behavior and those notes reminded me of a lot of behaviors I’d forgotten about. They were helpful during our divorce and the subsequent CPS investigations of him.

sweetquarantine −  I hate to say it, but depending on her age, your daughter could develop very real trauma from last night’s events. Her mother brazenly abused the whole family for hours on end. Next time Dad, please remove them from the situation. Lock your wife out of the house or put the kids in the car and leave. But do not let this happen to them again. Very often the first memories that form for children are those that are most traumatic. How would you feel if your daughter listed this night as her earliest memory from childhood?

Also, be honest with the therapist about your wife’s actions. Do not lie. You won’t be able to rebuild until you tear down what’s broken. If CPS needs to be involved, so be it. ETA: Wow, all of these stories and memories are heartbreaking. I just want to wish every one of you who experienced trauma at an early age a lifetime of healing, love, and peace. You are very brave to share! We will overcome.

holyfuckricky −  Put the shoe on the other foot. If the roles were reversed, you got blitzed, you smacked your wife and then you blame your wife for your own mess. YOU WOULD BE IN COUNTY LOCK UP. Under no circumstances is assaulting your spouse supposed to be acceptable. Under no circumstances is freaking out your kids because your loaded acceptable.. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS BEHAVIOUR!!!

Next time this occurs, record the whole ordeal. Discreetly. Because next time, she’ll say she slapped you in self defence. And you will be f*cked. And maybe then you can let her see her behaviour and allow her to make a judgment on her own behaviour. Go to the police and explain the circumstances of the evening. If your spouse is unwise enough to behave in such a manner, be sure that she will attempt to ‘frame’ you for her behaviour. If she is so unhinged to do the things you say she did. Get a lawyer to help you through this quagmire. For your own protection.

annaisaperson −  Is it blackout drunk if she remembers? Cause it seems she does.

[Reddit User] −  Wow that was intense. I think you nailed it on the head when you mentioned postpartum, and her reoccurring blackouts. I’d refuse to drink with her, and not allow the children to be around if she does drink. Also counseling is not an option, it’s necessary for your wife. If she refuses to address her issues, I’d take the kids and keep them safe. I’m sorry you’re going through this, absolute craziness.

Rageniv −  Lots of good advice from people here. But I just came here to say this: In what ducking world is drinking the way you two did, around little kids, even remotely acceptable? Alcohol and cars do not mix. Alcohol and babies do not mix.

I’m not judging lifestyle choices, I’m judging decision making. At the very least, if you’re going to drink around kids, there should have been a strict limit based on being in control of yourselves around kids. It’s good to have fun and let loose, but not if it is distracting you/your wife from managing the kids. There’s definitely relationship issues that need therapy… but some real soul searching about acceptable standards around your kids is also needed.

MoonyMisty −  I think you need to talk to a family lawyer about this, so they’ll give you accurate advices & they’ll be informed about the specifics of laws & what you can do wherever it is you live.

Willow1807 −  I don’t have any advice on this, I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing dad and you should be so proud of yourself for looking after your children and controlling the situation as best you can.

Superslayinmuma −  Hello! I’m a mama who suffered with quite severe post partum behaviour here. If I had ever done anything to this extreme, I would fully expect my partner kick me out and I would not blame him or be mad at him because of it. Me and my partner both struggle with mental health issues and we are both very clear with each other, the second our s**t starts to affect the kids is the second the problematic parent needs to go. If s**t gets even close to that happening, we call each other out straight away and say “s**t needs to change or you’re gone.”

You have to put your children first. Always. Sometimes kids need protecting from their own parents and that’s the sad truth. Now I’m not saying kick her out and never let her see the kids again, as it does sound like PPD played a huge role in this but also the alcohol did too. If she is like this after drinking it simply isn’t safe for her to drink again. But she needs help. Antidepressants turned my life around after my 2nd baby. I went from hating being a mother to loving it and loving life again. Dont get me wrong I still have my bad days but all in all I’m doing okay.

Therapy would be a good idea, and maybe some kind of support group for the drinking? She has to be willing though unfortunately you can not force her, but you can provide her with the necessary tools and support that she needs. If she is not willing to put in the effort, it may be worth a long think about what would be the best choice for your children

Its_Not_Terrys −  Reading this made me feel ill, reminded me of my childhood with a drunk mother (your wife isn’t a regular thing but it could very easily turn into that). The screaming, violence, threats, police, all of it.
What others are saying is right, get a stable home for you and be the safe space your children need. I have no doubt this will cause your daughter trauma. The longer you are together, the more this could easily happen and take it from someone who grew up like that, it’s awful. Do it for your kids, leave.