WIBTA for canceling my daughter’s senor trip?

A Redditor is grappling with a difficult decision regarding their daughter’s upcoming senior trip to Disney World. After adopting her daughter several years ago, tensions have risen as the daughter rekindles a relationship with her biological father, who has a lax parenting style.

With her attitude becoming increasingly rude and ungrateful, especially towards her mother, the Redditor is now considering canceling the trip altogether as a response to the daughter’s behavior and comments about the trip being for her and her boyfriend. Read below to see if you think the Redditor is justified in their feelings or if they might be overreacting.

‘ WIBTA for canceling my daughter’s senor trip?’

My (39F) husband (33M) adopted my daughter (18F) several years ago. When my daughter turned 17, she rekindled her relationship with her (BF) biological father and his new wife through social media, and then eventually in person.

Her BF acts more like a big brother than a parent, letting my daughter drink, letting her boyfriend spend the night, etc. Daughter told me about 4 months ago that after she graduates from high school, she is going to move in with BF.

I turn 40 this year and as a gift to myself and as a graduation gift for my daughter, I have paid for the entirety of a family trip to Disney World (we also have a 5 YO son and a brother that’s going). I invited daughter’s boyfriend to come, if he pays his own way.

It has been an issue for a couple of years but here lately, my daughter has become extremely rude and ungrateful. She is argumentative and she talks down to me ALOT. We recently bought a car for her to use and told her that she needs to pay for half of the monthly payment – $135 her part.

Now that she wants to move in with BF, she is complaining about paying for any of it. Tonight, I overheard her loudly talking to her boyfriend. He has paid nothing towards his part of the trip (I’ve already bought his plane ticket) and was saying he didn’t know if he wanted to go because he doesn’t want to be around me and my husband.

My daughter said he didn’t have to worry about me and my husband because this trip is for the two of them. Her boyfriend also made a sarcastic and derogatory comment along the lines of “if your super intelligent nurse mother would have done her research…”

I definitely don’t want the boyfriend coming now and he’s out no money if I cut him from the trip. WIBTA for cutting my daughter out too? I’ve worked my b**t off to pay for this trip and I’m spending a small fortune. I don’t want her crappy attitude, ungratefulness, and arrogance to ruin this trip for the rest of us. She legit doesn’t care who she hurts, as long as it benefits her.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

sheramom4 −  INFO: Did you ask your graduating daughter what she wanted as a graduation gift? Was she considered at all or is this really a family trip for you and your younger kids and she is simply invited?

And why the focus on her having a relationship with her biological father? Did you ask her before your husband adopted her or was it just done and she was expected to accept it?

imsooldnow −  NTA. It’s time for her to learn some life lessons. But before you act, consider the damage your actions might cause to your relationship. I’d spell it out clearly to her so she understands it’s her actions that have led to this.

The thing that sucks is once her father thinks he’s won her from you he will likely abandon her. Remember she’s a young adult and her brain is still learning how to manage life and decision making. Don’t leave her in a position where she has no one to turn to.

RusevDayToday −  I’m wondering what the other side of this story is honestly. Your daughter is looking to move out as soon as she can, her boyfriend also obviously has a negative opinion of you and your husband. It’s easy to put the blame on your daughter, saying she is rude and ungrateful, but I do wonder, from her perspective, whether this is a response to something you’re doing/have done?

You’ve bought this trip, supposedly for her, but if you want to cut her out of it, was it ever really for her in the first place? You bought her a car, told her she had to pay for half of it, how much of the decision in getting that car was she involved with?

These are all things which aren’t necessarily done badly, or for bad reasons, but they are enough for me to consider there may be a lot more to this story than is stated here. Maybe she’s being so s**fish, because she feels that everyone else is putting her last?

Maybe she feels you’ve been too restrictive of her, and she’s lashing out now because she knows she has an escape from that? The truth is, as some random person on the internet, I don’t know. But have you tried to find out?

Have you looked at therapy, either for her, or as a family, to provide support to all these changes which have been happening in her life. Have you really listened to where her feelings have come from, or just dismissed them as her acting out?

And finally, do you actually want to have a relationship with her in the future? Because I feel like cutting her out of this gift which was supposedly for her, could just be a final straw. If her feelings come from a place where she feels mistreated, this is just going to double down on that.

So while I don’t feel I can give an accurate judgement on who would be the a**hole here, due to a lack of both perspectives, and I do get the argument some are making that cutting her out of this trip will be a consequence for her actions, the consequence for you might be losing your daughter completely.

saiyanbura −  YWBTA if you don’t communicate and just spring it o n her. Model appropriate adult behaviour for her. Don’t go full on vengeance mode because she’s acting like a child.

1. Start by sitting her down and asking how she’s feeling about the trip, is she still excited to go? Or would she prefer to cancel. You can explain you overheard her and it sounds like she’s not into it. And as it’s super expensive you’d prefer to cancel Instead of wasting money.

And then hear her out without judgment. Don’t interrupt and try to keep your opinions and emotions out of it. Does she have a job? You can explain to her how much hours she’d have to work to make the trip happen.

2. If she still wants to go then tackle the boyfriend topic – you haven’t received his money per the agreed upon terms. And you need it by x date or his tickets will be cancelled. Then on everything else, it’s all interlinked and a whole different topic. Again, I would talk about that separately but as calmly as you can.

While her behaviour is infuriating you remain the only sensible adult in her life despite her s**tty sperm donor. If you care for her then at least try to show that you will remain here for her – but with boundaries that don’t accept abuse such as paying her car payment while she thrash talks you. Sorry about the stressful situation you’re in. It sounds very difficult.

ireadrot −  Well your daughter sounds like a disrespectful little girl. I know she’s 18 but she’s not acting her age. It seems like she may have been influenced by her boyfriend and the return of her father. However she’s of an age where there’s not much you can do about it and she’s old enough to know better. Actions have consequences, and this would be one consequence but she will hold it against you.

NTA if you chose to stop her senior trip but don’t be surprised if she’s packed and gone on your return. I’d also hold off on the boyfriend because his lack of financial preparation may mean you don’t have to ban him. Otherwise it might be something else she holds against you.

4Magikarps −  How often, in the past 5 years, has your daughter taken a backseat to your son because ‘she’s old enough to take care of herself’? You’re a nurse, which has been an exhausting job recently (to say the least).Combine that with a newborn/toddler, and it’s a recipe for nights where you just didn’t have the energy to deal with a teenager.

Teenagers need parents too, just because they can take care of themselves doesn’t mean they don’t require the care and attention of a parent – especially when they see someone else (your son) getting it consistently. The worst part, they know they can take care of themselves and the baby can’t. So, they often bottle up those feelings to keep the peace.

She might understand why you don’t have energy, but she’s still looking for that social nurturing. (Even if she doesn’t realize that’s what she wants.) Add that to the fact that she’s a teenager, and she’s going to love a parent who both gives her attention and lets her get away with whatever she wants.

You need to talk to her, actually sit down with her and have a conversation about how she’s feeling. These feelings might have come out of nowhere to you, but that’s because she might have been bottling them up over the past 5 years.

I grew up in a household very similar to yours, and believe me when I say, if you don’t reach out now, you might not get that chance. And YWBTA for canceling the vacation without talking to her first.

camelely −  If you cancel her ticket it will push her towards bio dad, don’t be surprised if she decides this is unforgivable. The question you should be asking isn’t WIBTA?, its ‘do I want a relationship with my daughter?’.

WorkEnvironmental356 −  Your last sentence is a bit of an alarming way to think of your daughter. I understand you’re venting, but I do hope you don’t think that way about her. Consider family therapy bet you and your daughter if you want to keep having a relationship with her, I have friends who have had their relationship saved completely between their parents and them from it.

But it also might not work out. I also have to mention that I am not surprised that the boyfriend didn’t have the money to go to Disneyland… At 18 that is a lot to ask. Both from a financial standpoint and an emotional one. I had a full time job at 17 and I still don’t know if I could have afforded that. I certainly didn’t get paid much at that age.

If you want a memorable trip and a chance to connect with your daughter, talk to her and give space to be quiet and empathize. It is completely normal for a child of her age to seek out her biological father. I did, and I ended up living with him and his wife and ended up moving out and now have no contact with them.

He changed a lot from when he had me but I just really couldn’t connect with him and differ from him in a lot of ways. I kept messaging my mom during this and now I’m closer to her than when I lived with her. But it was because she was supportive and encouraging me to figure myself out. She let me know she would always be there for me. I think your frustrations can feel valid, but they can still endanger your daughters path.

Again, seek family therapy after talking to your daughter. It would be for the both of you, not just for her so you can “correct or fix her”. Just that you want to understand her and have a better connection. You will have to be the bigger person if you want this to happen, but that’s because she is a child and you’re the adult. In my opinion, i would take them all on this family trip, including the boyfriend if you can pay for him.

Otherwise, maybe talking to his parents to see if they can help out if he is interested in going on this trip with her. Your daughter might really appreciate this and you two could spend some time together, or she might just have a really fun time with her boyfriend.

Either way, it would be a nice gift to celebrate her graduation expecially after you communicated it to her. Teens like this don’t respond well to punishment because they don’t know how to correct the behavior without guidance most of the time.

It’s hard to know exactly what you’re doing wrong when life is confusing in itself and there’s a lot you aren’t understanding or getting about situations you’re just not emotionally equipped to handle. Just my thoughts. I would say ETA but it’s more a morally mixed situation where everyone could be a bit of an ass. Just seems like a very tense household ┐⁠(⁠´⁠ー⁠｀⁠)⁠┌

happybanana134 −  YWBTA. Look, an 18 year old is not going to want to do the same things as a 5 year old at disney. I think she’s being a bit of an AH about it, but I can see why she’s telling her bf she’ll just hang out with him there. Uninvite the bf, he sounds rude and I wouldn’t tolerate that either.

But uninviting your daughter from ‘her’ graduation trip? Going as a family without your daughter in case she ‘ruins’ it for you all? That’s a pretty quick way to tell her you’ve decided she’s not part of your family. I really have to question your attitude towards her here. 

Thick-Journalist-168 −  “Tonight, I overheard her “. AKA ease dropping. But frankly, I feel like there is a lot missing from this story.

Is the Redditor justified in considering canceling the trip for her daughter due to her ungratefulness and attitude? Or is it unfair to punish her for the actions of her boyfriend? How would you handle this situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts below!