When Trust Falls Apart: The Paternity Test That Nearly Broke a Marriage
In the quiet corners of a home office, where the soft clicking of keyboard keys provides the soundtrack to a pandemic-era workday, a marriage faces an unexpected test. A young mother, diligently working to support her family while her husband cares for their three-year-old son, suddenly finds herself confronted with a shocking accusation. Her husband – the man who has been by her side through pregnancy, childbirth, and three years of parenthood – is now questioning whether their child is actually his.
The situation simmers with tension as the wife struggles to comprehend this unexpected twist. There had been no warning signs, no previous hints of doubt or distrust in their relationship. Yet somehow, in the pressure cooker of pandemic stress and unemployment, seeds of doubt have taken root in her husband’s mind. As she grapples with feelings of betrayal and indignation, she finds herself at a crossroads: submit to a test that validates his unfounded suspicions, or stand firm in demanding he seek professional help for what she believes is an emerging mental health crisis.
[chưa có ảnh]
‘AITA for not agreeing to a paternity test unless my husband goes to therapy?’
I (28F) and my husband (32M) have a three year old son together. There has never been any doubt that my husband is the father. I’ve never given him any cause for concern that I cheated on him; he acknowledges all of this. Last week, he came to me and said that for the last few months, he has been “plagued” (his word) with this anxiety that our son is not his. They don’t look identical, granted, but they definitely share similar features and I see my husband whenever I look at my son.
I was obviously blindsighted by this. I had no idea he was having these thoughts. I asked him to explain why he thought that he wasn’t his and he couldn’t really provide any answer other than “a gut feeling.” He asked me if I would be okay if he got a paternity test done so it could ease his mind. I initially said absolutely not, no way in hell; I was very very offended. He told me that he could just do it without my permission and I said if he did that, I would never forgive him.
My husband does not have a history of anxiety but he did lose his job back at the start of the pandemic so he’s been with our son most of the time while I work my full time job from home. I know this hasn’t been easy on him. I’m not a psychiatrist or anything but maybe he is starting to resent our son or something from just having to be around him constantly.
After our heated first conversation, I spoke with some friends about it, and they said that he was probably having psychiatric problems due to the stress of not having a job. I came back to my husband and said that if he went to therapy and maybe started taking some anti-anxiety meds, that I would consider getting the test.
He was very upset at this and said that once he got the results of the test back, he wouldn’t be anxious anymore and that I wasn’t being fair by making him go through a whole “rigmarole” (again, his word) just to get “peace of mind”, which was a phrase he used a lot during this. He again threatened to just get the test without my “permission” and I said this would effectively end our relationship.
I think there’s something more serious going on here and I thought that my solution here is as fair as I’m willing to be. My friends are divided, some think I should just take the test and others are saying he’s being insane and that if I cave to this, there’s just going to be something else. I need some neutral perspective here. AITA?
Edit: I haven’t read all the comments here because the amount of responses has been overwhelming. However, I want to say that I really do not appreciate strangers attempting to diagnose my husband over the internet; it is disgustingly presumptuous. I’m his wife and I don’t feel qualified to do that, which is exactly why I want him to go to a LICENSED therapist.
Another thing i’m seeing pop up is that i’m somehow demanding that he take medication. I said “maybe” medication, meaning that I only think he should be on medication if a LICENSED therapist prescribes them to him. I don’t want to shove pills down his throat, which seems to be what some people think I want to do.
As for the numerous suggestions of marriage counseling as opposed to individual therapy, I think this is a great idea (I didn’t initially consider it because I was so focused on it being HIS problem but we are ultimately a team) and I’ll suggest that to him today. Hopefully, it goes better. Thanks everyone for your input.
The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!
When Doubt Creeps Into Parenthood
Trust is the bedrock of any relationship, and questioning parenthood strikes at the very foundation of family bonds. This story reveals how quickly emotional stability can unravel when external stressors like unemployment and pandemic isolation come into play.
The husband’s fixation on a paternity test despite acknowledging no reason to suspect infidelity points to deeper psychological issues that a simple test likely won’t resolve. According to Dr. Jennifer Harman, associate professor of psychology at Colorado State University who studies parental relationships, “Intrusive thoughts about paternity can sometimes be a symptom of broader anxiety disorders or obsessive-compulsive patterns, particularly when they persist without evidence.”
Looking at the dynamics at play, the husband’s situation presents several risk factors for mental health challenges. The pandemic has drastically altered many parents’ lives, with research from the American Psychological Association showing that 46% of parents reported high stress levels during this period. Loss of employment compounds this stress significantly, often triggering identity crises particularly in men who traditionally view provider roles as central to their self-worth.
The wife’s insistence on therapy before testing demonstrates remarkable insight. Rather than treating the symptom (doubt about paternity), she’s advocating for addressing the potential underlying condition. Dr. Daniel Singley, a psychologist specializing in men’s mental health and fatherhood, notes that “When new fathers experience significant life disruptions alongside the demands of parenthood, they may redirect anxiety into relationship doubts as a psychological defense mechanism.”
Statistics from the Journal of Family Psychology indicate that approximately 30% of new parents experience significant relationship strain in their child’s early years – even without pandemic stressors. The situation described is likely exacerbated by the husband’s full-time caregiving role, a adjustment many men weren’t socialized to prepare for.
The suggestion for couples therapy represents an ideal compromise.
As Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship researcher, explains: “About 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems that couples will never completely solve. The key is dialogue rather than trying to ‘fix’ the specific issue.” In this case, a qualified therapist could help determine whether individual treatment, medication, or simply improved communication strategies would best address both the presenting symptom and underlying relationship dynamics.
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
[Reddit User] − NTA. Even in the best case scenario where this is all due to anxiety brought on by the pandemic don’t believe that after the test he’ll be better. Soon it’ll be 2 tests. Then 3 because he’ll be afraid of false positives. This type of anxiety gets worse until it moves on to something else, I’ve had the same obsessive anxiety for years and it didn’t get better until after therapy and medication. I still struggle. Stand your ground OP.
Edit: I want to be clear – I am not trying to diagnose anyone. I am speaking from experience how obsessive thinking and anxiety can manifest. I am not anti-test either. I am pro-therapy, both individual and couples, because therapy could provide insight and a diagnosis if it’s needed. I was merely trying to get my point across that if it IS anxiety a test would treat the symptoms but not necessarily cure the anxiety as a whole. Again, IF this is anxiety.
My wording for best case scenario is simple, personally, if my husband did this I’d prefer it be anxiety-based and resolved in therapy vs some of the alternatives people have suggested (that husband is cheating and deflecting or that he’s been obsessing over what he genuinely, rationally thinks is a massive and ongoing betrayal of trust).
I can’t see the ramifications of him saying ‘Oh, I had this invasive thought that our kid isn’t my kid’ just…going away with a test. As another poster said this is an accusation that holds a LOT of weight, it’s essentially an accusation that for 3-4 years, all through pregnancy and the child’s life, that OP has purposefully and maliciously deceived her husband into raising a child that might not be his.
[Reddit User] − op im so sorry for saying this but according to my psychology prof if your partner is obsessively worrying about you cheating on them, they are likely to be cheating on you; guilt projection. Edit: oh lord. my initial statement was confirmed by 3 clinical psychologists. yes projection may not be the only reason why his anxiety was aroused and no i did not make a diagnosis. if i see people insulting me personally, i report them.
Practical_Heart7287 − NTA. That is offensive to you and to your child. If my husband did that to me I would have told him the same thing…you do this behind my back, it’s a dealbreaker. Adios, AH.
FactBearsEatBeetss − NTA but honestly, if he’s accusing you of cheating-which is what this is-you’re allowed to be offended. I would agree to the test but present him with the two card method: one for a therapist and one for a divorce lawyer and let him decide since you’re now the one being put through “a whole rigmarole” where your husband has implicated that you’ve been unfaithful and essentially forced him to raise the product of your infidelity.
SoftVampiric − NTA. Validating someone’s anxiety is often not the best way to deal with it- you’ll end up constantly going out of your way to reassure him, and it won’t help with the overall problem. He’ll move on to fixating on something else. He needs therapy. Tell him if the therapist recommends a paternity test, you’ll do it.
oksccrlvr − NTA. But, I think what you need is marital therapy. “I will agree to the test, but we must attend therapy to determine if I want to continue this marriage”.
I’m not sure I would be able to continue my marriage in this situation. I’m sorry.
Thamwoofgu − NTA – if this is coming out of the blue and you get the feeling that your husband resents your son, then you may want to re-consider having him act as the primary caregiver. His actions sound completely irrational and both his anger and repeated threats that he could just get it done behind your back are extremely concerning to me.
He has clearly fixated on this idea and it sounds as though he is growing more and more obsessed with getting a paternity test. He could be cheating on you and projecting that onto you, he could be panicking about his unemployment and being responsible for a child, he could be looking for a way out, etc. Regardless, he sounds unstable and enabling his paranoia does not seem wise.
betsycrocker − NTA. My husband asked me the same thing. I was suspicious of this out of the blue. I hired a private investigator just to be sure cause I thought no way he was cheating. But I wanted to be sure. He was cheating. I hope this isn’t the case for you.
weicat − I don’t wanna ba an AH but i’m curious, why do many women refuse to do a paternity test if they are sure who the father is? Like… i understand it’s hard to be accused of cheating but a test would clear those doubts, no?. Sorry if i’m being inconsiderate.
amitathrowa − NTA. “If you think a child is supposed to be identical to their parents, you should take an intelligence test, not a paternity test.” He asked me if I would be okay if he got a paternity test done so it could ease his mind. “Sure, and when it comes back positive, I will be filing for divorce and child support.”
These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality?
Trust, once questioned, can be difficult to rebuild. This story highlights how external stressors like unemployment and pandemic isolation can create psychological pressure that manifests in unexpected ways within relationships. While a paternity test might seem like a simple solution, it risks treating only a symptom while ignoring potentially deeper issues.
What would you do if your partner suddenly questioned something fundamental about your relationship despite acknowledging no rational reason for their doubt? Would you stand firm on principles of trust, or would you comply to provide reassurance? Have you ever experienced intrusive thoughts during times of high stress that affected your relationships? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
For those who want to read the sequel: [titlebaiupdate]