[Update]I [30f] want to discuss moving in with boyfriend [34m] but we have a significant difference in income.

After some hesitation, a woman in a relationship with a boyfriend of nine months brought up the topic of moving in together. Despite their significant income disparity, they had a productive conversation where her boyfriend reassured her that he didn’t want her to feel financially burdened.

They agreed on a lump-sum monthly payment that she will contribute, which is less than what she currently pays. Together, they’re planning renovations and organizing furniture for their future shared space.

For those who want to read the previous part:https://aita.pics/WwlVR

‘ [Update]I [30f] want to discuss moving in with boyfriend [34m] but we have a significant difference in income.’

As mentioned in the first post both my boyfriend and I have been hinting around the topic but hadn’t directly discussed it. I was still on the fence about bringing it up myself when my boyfriend made a comment about how he’s excited for us to live together (one day).

I just responded with, “Well did you want to? My lease is up in July.” and he said that he did. It was before work when it happened so we left it at that for the day and got together that evening to work out details.

I expressed to him at that point that while I would love living with him that my concern was that I wouldn’t be able to contribute equally and I didn’t want him feeling taken advantage of.

He in turn expressed that he’d never want to put me in a bad position financially and that we could easily figure out something that would be fair while still putting me in a better financial position.

We ended up deciding we’d go with a lump sum monthly that I’ll pay to him to cover all the costs, rather than splitting bills. The monthly amount he offered at first I actually upped because I didn’t think he was being fair to himself, and it was still less than what I pay now.

He seemed happy with that and it definitely works for me! He keeps mentioning how excited he is to move in together, and came to my apartment last week to help me clean for photos to show it! We’re deciding together what we’ll keep out of my furniture vs. his, what we’ll get rid of and what we’re going to store.

He’s also mentioned a couple renovations he wants to get done around the condo so we’re going to go together to pick stuff out and make it a summer project. 🙂

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  Aw, this is adorable! You guys sound like you communicate well and really care for each other, good luck!

Van_Winkle −  Congrats! My SO and I did something similar, and I wanted to pass on something I wish I’d learned sooner: if you don’t have a rental contract, you should put a utility bill in your name.

You’ll need that credit history, and it will come in handy for legal identification purposes (like if your state requires a copy of a utility bill, rental agreement, or mortgage in order to get a new driver’s license).

Stantron −  Awesome! As a homeowner from a purely financial perspective of course it makes sense for him. He is paying 100% of all those costs right now anyways so anything you contribute saves him money. Obviously he had other reasons to want to live with you as well.

ElysianBlight −  Just chiming in because I’ve been there, and I was struggling so hard to be “fair” that I was putting every penny I had into bills and he had tons of disposable income left over. After we talked it out we actually decided it was more fair to try a third option .

besides lump sum or 50/50 split, which would be a percentage split. You have to play with the numbers a bit but for a very simple example, If you make 1000 per month and he makes 3000 per month, and rent is 1200.. he can pay 30 percent of his income per month, 900.

Then you pay 30 percent of yours, 300. It sounds like he is paying alot more but really it’s pretty fairly split as you both then have the same percentage for fun money, ect.

If you just eyeball a lump sum you might end up agreeing to pay 500 per month to his 700 because it SOUNDS more equal, but then you’re actually putting 50 percent of your income into housing and he’s doing closer to 20% which sucks for you.

tifached −  “We are deciding” “we will keep” “we are going to do together”. this is how i expect updates in this subreddit. congrats

silver-lining-finder −  Congrats! I’ve been in your situation twice… and split differently each time. First: He talked me into moving in for financial reasons since it’s quite expensive where we live. Since I moved into his apartment which was more than double mine it would have cost me more to move in.

He convinced me that the fair way was to split rent weighted by our incomes which decreased rent for both of us. Then we would alternate paying for regular meals out and he treated me once a month to a fancy meal for our month-aversary that I wouldn’t have been able to afford.

Second: He owned his home and felt like it was taking advantage of me to have me help pay down the mortgage when it was technically his house. I also didn’t want to feel like a burden but he said he would have paid the mortgage whether I lived there or not.

So instead since he knew I wanted to contribute, he suggested that I put my old rent amount into a fund that we used for vacations and fun outings. It meant that we could go on nice vacations together that I wouldn’t have been able to afford otherwise.

And I could feel like I added to his life too while making fun experiences for both of us. Most importantly… it’s good to remember to re-evaluate! Maybe every 6 months just to make sure that whatever you choose still feels fair for each of you.

finehamsabound −  The most important thing is communicating expectations and needs – something you both have clearly managed here! One of the things I keep reminding myself as I get older is that financial equality isn’t always super important – there are a million valuable ways to contribute to someone’s life, and they’re all valid.

Recently a friend reached out to ask me if it was weird that her partner frequently cooks meals from scratch for her, but she never reciprocates – partially because she hates to cook.

I suggested other ways to return the favour are also usually appreciated – paying for a takeout night, asking if she can bring anything or help out, offering to pick up and pay for the items he needs to make said dinner, offering to clean up, etc. There are lots of ways to help each other out, and this is only going to help both of you financially in the end!

[Reddit User] −  You guys sound so compatible! That’s amazing! Congratulations!

yesihaveshatmyself −  When my now husband and I first moved in together, he had a great job that paid all of his expenses and then some, and I had a very s**tty job that barely covered rent and a phone bill. He was gracious and generous, and I paid about 1/3 of our bills and he covered the rest while being able to save.

Years later, I made more than him and I covered most of the bills while he did what he could. The rest went to savings. Now, he is again the primary bread winner. But we’ve saved a lot through the lean years and we make it work as best we can. That’s the beauty of sharing your life with someone. Each of you will have ups and downs. But you work together and make it happen.

kvothebaelish −  I love that you’re also picking furniture items from both people … Making it a shared space with everyone’s possessions is so important to making you both feel at home. And also wise to not ditch everything you won’t be bringing over.

It may feel pessimistic, but it’s really just pragmatic to hold on to all your duplicate items. You never know why or how you might need them in the future (besides just the pessimistic possibly of a breakup–there a plenty of other occasions where backup furniture could be useful!)