UPDATE to “I’m unhappy with how my (24 F) boyfriend (26M) treats me, but he won’t listen to me for long enough for me to get my point across”?
A Redditor updates the community after realizing she was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Despite her boyfriend’s mood swings and denial of wrongdoing, she finally confronted him about his behavior.
After an emotional conversation, they broke up, and the Redditor reflects on the strength it took to walk away. She encourages others in similar situations to leave for their own well-being. Read the original story below to hear more about her journey and self-discovery.
‘ UPDATE to “I’m unhappy with how my (24 F) boyfriend (26M) treats me, but he won’t listen to me for long enough for me to get my point across”?’
Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I got so much from it, and seeing so many supportive comments really helped me. I learned a lot, so thank you all so much. I realised through reading your comments that I was in an emotionally a**sive relationship. It wasn’t communication tips I needed, I needed to get out.
The past month has been so up and down but I wanted to share an update. After a pretty weird “stepping on eggshells” kind of morning, I confronted him about his behaviour and mood swings. I prepped myself for a huge argument and honestly it didn’t go exactly as I expected.
First of all he started to deny he was doing anything wrong, but for once I stood my ground. I don’t think he was expecting that. I had lots to say (many of your comments came in useful there), and I tried so hard not to back down.
After a while he kind of… changed. He got upset. He then started saying all sorts of things, that he was sorry but he didn’t realise how his behaviour affected me (though I’d brought it up many times). A little later on he said that he had been thinking for a few months that it was his fault my doctor said I had depression.
So that’s a huge contradiction?? He said that for a few weeks he had been thinking about breaking up with me “because it’s my fault that you are this way and breaking up sooner would have been the noble thing to do”, but that he was so torn for ages.
He said that’s why he had been even more awful to me lately, that his frustrations were just coming out. Again, contradicting what’s he said about not realising how his behaviour affected me. He said he has never cheated but I’m really not sure if I believe that. Maybe it’s best if I don’t know.
Then something really unexpected happened, he started to cry, the first time I have ever seen him cry. He told me that he had been texting a work friend over the past few days about our relationship.
He even showed me a message she sent to him which went something like this: “you have a wonderful, textbook girlfriend and you are f**king it up because you are being an ass. This is why everyone at work thinks you’re a psychopath. You are so cold and bad when it comes to feelings”. So I guess it wasn’t just me who found his behaviour not normal??
He cried even more and said that he doesn’t feel close to people, that there’s only a handful of people he lets in and he doesn’t know why he does that. He said that even being around his immediate family was cold and formal and he doesn’t know why he is like that and can’t connect with people, and that’s also why he throws himself into work so much.
I told him that if he didn’t get help, he would end up a very lonely old man. In that moment I felt pretty strong and proud of myself. So as you may have guessed, we broke up. Part of me for a while even thought about trying to save it and work at it, and now that I look back I can’t believe I was ever even thinking that.
He kept saying “I just don’t know what to do for the best, should we break up or not?” But doing so was absolutely the right thing. I’ve since had many friends coming forward saying they didn’t trust him, something was off etc.
Regarding the girl I talked about, his ex who he cheated on his other ex with- I could see on her brothers Instagram a video of my ex smirking at his phone and the caption was “he’s thinking about my sister ;)” to which he replied with another winky face so… what does that say.
But I’m not looking Instagram at this stuff anymore. On the day we broke up he packed some bags and left, he told me to stay with a friend. It turns out that that friend was his exes brother, and he’s been living there for a month.
I will be moving into a new place in 2 weeks and even though he has gone to stay with his friend he is still paying his share of the rent, he just swings by to pick up some stuff every now and then when I’m at work, I haven’t actually seen him.
For the past few months I’ve been feeling really low, with barely any energy. I’m picking myself back up again and though it’s a slow process, I’m coming back into myself. I’m determined that I’m not going to let anyone make me feel like that again.
I’m not sure if I needed to write all of that and if you guys needed all of those details, but writing this was quite cathartic. I guess I would just say, to anyone who is reading this and my original post, who is in a relationship that they feel horrible in, just leave. It’s hard, but please leave. You will feel SO much better..
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Social_Construct − I’m glad you got out! That situation sounds like it would have just escolated over time. You’re young and have much better things to do than try to fix someone who hurts you. ❤️
TinyAppleInATree − Now his ex can deal with that baggage. You’ll find someone more compatible for you when you’re ready- win/win
OnkelWormsley − ~2k votes with 0 comments? That’s unusual
Mashpole − I could see on her brothers Instagram a video of my ex smirking at his phone and the caption was “he’s thinking about my sister ;)” to which he replied with another winky face so… I’m sorry but this bit is really really weird, it seems like Ur ex surrounds himself with strange people who have very questionable emotional barriers.. really happy for u that you got out and all the best 🙂
MWM190104 − You are so brave. You reached out, you accepted the advice, and you followed through. You my lady are no c**ard. You deserve a brave and honest person. Keep going and seek it.
[Reddit User] − You are brave! You are powerful! You are healing! You took a huge action—you looked at your life and realized something had to change, you addressed your worries about making those moves, prepared yourself, and reset the whole motion of your life. The ball is rolling in a new direction, one that makes sure you’re taking care of your own needs and giving yourself space to grow and be happy.. Proud of ya.
le-fleur-violet − Hi, I went through something similar in my last relationship. Your comment about telling him to get help or he would end up a very lonely man really hit me hard, because that was one of the things I said as I was breaking up with my ex as well. I’m happy for you getting out of this relationship. You’re going to be so much happier and someday find someone who treats you right. Best of luck. 🙂
Ryun2525 − Breaking up was the best decision of your life. Is not your job to fix him. Is good that you love yourself enough to leave him. You’ll get better, don’t worry.
modernrosie1234 − I’d suggest also doing some therapy as well, it can be really hard to untangle the emotional damage of an a**sive relationship and if we don’t do that hello for ourselves we may find ourselves in similar relationships or with similar types of people over and over.
[Reddit User] − Good job!! So much better to be alone and happy than in a relationship and unhappy!
Do you think the Redditor made the right choice in ending the relationship, or was there a way to salvage it? Have you ever been in a situation where you had to let go of someone for your own mental health? Share your thoughts below and let us know how you would handle a similar situation.