UPDATE: My(38M) wife (35F) lost a lot of weight to gain the attention of her work crush. How do I move forward?
A man (38M) shares an update about his wife (35F), who lost weight to gain the attention of a work crush. After confronting her about her behavior, the wife admitted she sought validation through flirting to prove to herself she could still attract men. She explained that her self-esteem had been tied to her appearance and the attention she once received, which led to her actions. The couple plans to work through this by attending therapy and couples counseling. Read the full update below.
‘Â UPDATE: My(38M) wife (35F) lost a lot of weight to gain the attention of her work crush. How do I move forward?’
I want to thank everyone for commenting on my original post, I got some good advice but above all I just needed to vent, so thanks for listening. I talked more with my wife after my first post in an attempt to understand why she did what she did.
From what she tells me every woman in the office swoons over this guy. They all flirted with him, my wife included and he never flirted back. A few of the single ones have basically thrown themselves at him but still got nothing. So my wife thinks to herself that when she was younger and thinner she could and did have guys that looked like him chase after her. So she wanted to prove to herself that she still could get the attention of a hot young guy if she wanted.
To answer a common question, yes she was very heavily flirting with him. But she says that he knew she was married and since she didn’t plan on ever being with him alone it was harmless.
Now that I think about it she was in a great mood in the few weeks prior to her breaking down. She was kind of all over me as well, we hadn’t had that much s** in years. She tells me that it wasn’t so much the guy at work heating her up but how his attention made her feel. Which again, I always given her plenty of attention. Why that wasn’t enough to make her feel good about herself I don’t know. And that’s really what hurts me most. What I thought of her didn’t matter.
She says what I thought did matter but she asked me if she walked past me on the street at her heaviest, would I turn and look? I don’t do that with anyone but I would still have found her attractive. But I guess I see the point she is making. When she was younger she did get a lot of head turns and she got used to that. She liked the attention and when that all went away it made her depressed.
In the end I think we will be ok, I’ll get over this but as of now I’m not letting her know that. I told her she needs to go to therapy and work on why she needs this external validation from people she doesn’t care about. She agreed to do that.
Like I said in my original post, I don’t think she did anything physical with him. We have lifestyle 360 and I see where she goes and she goes straight from home to the office and back everyday. She either brings lunch or gets something delivered. I just don’t think that happened.
I acted cold toward her for a few days. It may be have been little cruel but I wanted her to sweat a little and think I was questioning the relationship. Selfishly I wanted to see her panic and try to win me back. I felt I needed to see she cares what I think of her.
She was a mess, bordering on desperate. She cried a lot which will eventually broke me. I love her and couldn’t stand to see her sad. So in short she is going to go to therapy and we will do couples counseling down the road. Thanks for all the advice everyone.
See what others had to share with OP:
Khair24 − Your wife cheated & you were just a little cold for a few days? Hope you’re at least warm under that giant red flag of hers.
Opening_Track_1227 − I read the original post and I don’t buy what she is selling you. But good luck
SomeJokeTeeth − OP, my God man, she emotionally cheated on you and only just barely didn’t physically cheat on you. Grow some backbone!
Intrepid-Ganache-197 − This isn’t a momentary lapse. This is an ongoing fixation on this guy through every meal she ate and every time she went to work out. Add all the time flirting and interacting with the guy and that’s a full on sidelining of you.
Meester_Ananas − You only acted cold a couple of days? Now, I don’t really know the dynamics of your marriage but are you sure this was enough to convey your initial feelings on her actions? She needs to do a lot of work on herself. Do not sweep what happened under the rug. This was no bump on the road my man.
The amount of work she put in to get another mans validation is considerable, I personally wouldn’t be sure nothing happened in the end (but you’ll never know), unless you confront the AP (and his wife). I hope it all will work out great and you’ll grow stronger eventually.
Insomniac42 − So she had an emotional affair of sorts. And they always say nothing would’ve happened, because the opportunity didn’t present itself. What’s going to happen the next time she wants other men’s attention and validation on a girls trip or night? Add in some alcohol and you might have physical cheating. You’re underestimating the gravity of your situation right now.
helpmelurn − Bro it’s over. She already cheated in her heart and mind, just let go now before you have to again in 3 years.. Updateme
PutridEntertainer408 − I’m gonna give a different perspective to the comments you’ve gotten so far. I’m a woman if it helps. I suspect she is not feeling appreciated in your relationship. This is likely due to some kind of mismatch in how you show affection/appreciation and how she wants it shown to her.
Neither of you is in the wrong for this, it’s just something you need to become conscious of if its the case. If you truly feel like you’re not doing anything wrong in this area, it’s a conversation that needs to be had to better understand each other. But her behaviour reads to me like ‘I’ll show him!’, which is very petty but also signifies it was about you and not him.
It sounds like your wife has built her identity a little bit around being hot and desired by men. She’s not adjusting well to this potentially changing, and this is where the therapy is definitely needed. I don’t think she cheated on you either but I think she was doing it due to a whole host of unhealthy emotions she’s not processing. It doesn’t show a huge amount of maturity, and she has maybe realised this which is good.
I have a lot of sympathy towards your wife’s emotions but she is not handling them in a good way, and this is really what matters. As someone who has felt the urge to flirt with people to get validation, I worked hard to stop doing this in my early twenties and I certainly never did it to this extent. She needs (in the nicest way possible) to step up the emotional maturity.
It is great you are supporting her but make sure she is putting in that effort she needs to. There is a difference between being understanding and wasting energy on someone who is not willing to work on themselves
dheffe01 − I’d be asking her to document how she plans to make amends for her emotional affair, as in write down the steps she is going to rebuild your trust. I don’t mean some of “repayment” or monitoring her every move, making you her jailer will not fix anything, I mean things like:. therapy. contacting his partner. finding a new job
J_M_B_A_C − Friendly reminder that alot of people comenting and upvoting here are people that think that everyone cheats regardless of there is actually proof of it. She fucked up big time, you should press the point that she avoided divorce by the skin of her teeth. She devoted alot of time improving herself for someone else other than her husband and the flirting was crossing all kind of boundaries.
I think that you shouldn’t wait on the couples councelling, her actions have a root and you should try to find it ASAP (i don’t buy the “just looking for validation” as the only driver on this). You might be missing something that she needs from you in the relationship that reinforced the need to go outside.
Hopefully she is being truthfull and she got cold feet when the oportunity presented itself and She learned that “inocent flirting” doesn’t actually exists when you are on a relationship.
Seeking external validation can be a complex issue in relationships. How do you approach it when the person you love needs validation from others? Have you ever faced a similar struggle in your relationship? Share your thoughts below!