Update: My wife [28F] found out that my mother [59F] and I [28M] have been lying to her about our (me and my wife’s) baby [0M] for months
In an emotional update, a husband (28M) shares how he and his wife (28F) worked through a painful revelation about staged milestones for their baby (0M). The couple confronted their fears, vulnerabilities, and the love that drove his actions, finding a path toward healing and even humor. Read the full update below.
For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/RcbzQ
‘ Update: My wife [28F] found out that my mother [59F] and I [28M] have been lying to her about our (me and my wife’s) baby [0M] for months?’
After I wrote the original post, my mom took my son to stay overnight with my wife’s sister so that the two of us could have the house to ourselves. We pretty much just talked for an hour while constantly reaffirming that we love each other a lot and want to sort this out. I apologized and explained why I did what I did.
She said that feeling like she was there for our son’s milestones was really just a band-aid solution that didn’t actually convince her she was present. She said that if she actually *had* been using the milestones to feel like she was present, this would probably have felt worse for her.
But since she wasn’t, in her words, “deluding herself into thinking she’s actually home”, her main issue was that I lied which hurt her feelings. I apologized and explained that I honestly thought that she would prefer the lying if given the choice.
She said she understood where I was coming from and that she felt betrayed when she realized, but she sees that I was doing it because I love her and she thinks we’ll probably laugh about it with our grandkids one day (yes, I am very aware I don’t deserve my wife).
Some things came out on my end that I wasn’t going to tell her and didn’t mention in my last post- namely, that I’m scared she’s going to become suicidal. My uncle committed suicide when I was a child, in part from working in a high-stress job where he made a huge and costly mistake.
One of my wife’s colleagues attempted suicide while she was on mat leave. Being a working mom is bad enough, being a resident in this program is bad enough, both combined are a recipe for trouble.
Since our son was born and the incident with her colleague happened, I’ve been afraid that if her home life wasn’t perfect, it would push her over the edge. Anyways, she reassured me that that’s not happening and I think saying it out loud also made me realize it’s a pretty irrational, groundless fear.
We ordered takeout and sat together watching the real videos I have of all our son’s firsts. I also have a special folder of pictures/videos of my son with my wife, so we went through that after.
She almost choked from laughing so hard when I tentatively revealed the beanbag trick. I am the laughing stock of her friend-group chat. So I guess we’re already at the stage where we’re laughing about it.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
HoustonJack − I’ve always heard that NO firsts ever happen in daycare. Until Mom sees it happening, it didn’t happen. Many grandparents feel the same way.
avocado__dip − You guys are going to be just fine. You listen to each other, try to understand one another, and are able to express your feelings. Keep it up.
ta112289 − So I don’t have any advice, but I am one of three children born to a Family Med physician mom. My mom had my older sister during med school, me during residency, and my younger sister a year into her practice.
My dad worked part time and his mom was our “daycare provider” our whole lives (grandma still babysits the puppies for my parents).
I’m sure my mom missed a ton of milestones, but you know what? None of us kids know that she missed them. My mom would come home and love on us.
She’d come home for lunch after my younger sister was born, and I remember eating yogurt with her on the floor. I remember helping her dig the car out of the snowbank at the end of the driveway after she got home from working Urgent Care late into the evening.
My dad and I are really close, and I’m sure that has something to do with him being around more when I was a baby, but I’m also really close with my mom. I learned women can do whatever they want to do AND have a family.
I learned that kids don’t have to be the absolute center of your world to be happy and healthy. I hope your wife doesn’t put too much pressure on herself about missing these things. Your kid won’t know the difference and will love you and your wife no matter what.
thr0aty0gurt − Wasn’t there for your last post but read it and it’s clear you love your wife dearly. I’m so happy to ready she understood why you did it. Its refreshing to see a good update. Good vibes for your family from a random internet stranger!!
poopshit85 − Would have been ironic had your child hit another milestone while at your sister’s house with your mom.
needpolarseltzer − your intentions were pure, but it’s really cool that you still are doing some real self reflection about why you did it. you’re lucky in your wife and she’s lucky for you, too. Also nice to read about a non-insane MIL for once.
wuagbe − I know you’re feeling sheepish, but this is the cutest story. Glad you two are already chuckling with me.
Davidcottontail − Man love this. Its great it got worked out.
LaserPunchMonkey − I honestly was also in tears laughing from the beanbag thing. That was ingenious. I’m really glad you guys were able to talk through your feelings on this; your love for your wife and child absolutely comes through. I hope you keep up the good communication! That’s where it’s at.
mozfustril − I was laughing when I was reading the divorce advocate’s posts. If that person is in a relationship, there’s a pretty good chance their SO will tell them a white lie this week. Better call a lawyer.
Sometimes the hardest truths lead to the deepest conversations and moments of growth. Do you think the husband’s intentions justified his actions, or was the deception too significant? How would you have handled this delicate situation? Share your perspective below!