[UPDATE] My boyfriend (25M) cannot handle being alone when I (24F) am busy

A Reddit user provided an update on her boyfriend’s struggles with being alone when she was busy. Initially, she was uncertain whether their relationship could survive his anxiety and need for constant company, but she decided to give it time. Over the past eight months, several key changes improved their situation:

her boyfriend began addressing his unfulfilling job, reconnected with friends in healthier ways, and grew more comfortable spending quiet time together while pursuing individual activities. Their relationship is now stronger than ever. Read the original story and update below to see how they overcame this challenge.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/DtJwR

‘ [UPDATE] My boyfriend (25M) cannot handle being alone when I (24F) am busy?’

First of all, we’re still together. The advice was overwhelmingly along the lines of “this is a major problem and will not go away” – and I agreed with it at the time. However, after posting, I decided to wait a bit just to see how things went because I really liked the guy.

There are a couple of things that affected his behaviour that I didn’t really understand before: * He is not fulfilled by his work, and so any time not spent in work is really important to him and he wants to make the most of it

* Most of his close friends are big drinkers, and he was trying to cut back. This meant that he was not seeing his friends as often as all they do is go out on the weekend together.

These two things together meant that he was alone a lot more than he used to be and he was feeling frustrated in general. So here’s what has happened since: Over the summer, I wasn’t in classes anymore and we spent a lot of time together.

This sort of goes against intuition, as I thought more time apart would be better. But there are a lot of days when I don’t feel like doing anything, so if he wanted to spend time with me, that meant that he had to come up with something to do while I was reading or sewing or doing whatever on my own.

He got comfortable with watching something or reading something while I was sitting there doing my own thing. He figured out how to hang out with his friends without making it a big drinking night. They started going out to dinner once in a while. He would go out with them occasionally and just not drink as much and go home early.

I think this really helped him not feel so alone. He came to terms with how unfulfilling his job is and he’s currently working to fix that. A few months ago, we started having some honest conversations about what he really wanted to do, and he was trying to figure that out for a while.

Well now he has a solid plan of getting to that new career, and while it will take some time, he gets so excited just talking about it. I think this has helped tremendously. Thanks to everyone who commented.

I think everyone was exactly right that it was a pretty major problem, which is why I posted. I appreciate everyone telling me that though. Sometimes you need to hear that. I’m glad I gave it a chance to fix itself though. I honestly couldn’t be happier in my relationship than I am now.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

coatweirdness −  This is a great update and I’m happy for you guys. This is also serving as a reminder to pretty much everybody not to n**lect your own happiness and try too hard to derive it from a relationship.

We all need to function outside relationships, and have our own goals, hobbies, friends etc. I know I myself can get so wrapped up in new love that I forget what I used to enjoy on my own before.

augustusvondoom −  That’s a nice update. Good for you two

Krste −  This is so wholesome, I’m really glad for you working on your relationship instead of giving up when you notice the problems. You guys sound like marriage.

TheAngryChick −  This hits close to home. I was the one needing more attention, but he was too unhappy with his life to love me the same. Most of the time spent together he was not ‘present’ and I thought he needed time away from me to regain interest. Turns out he just needed my silent company and support. How easy was that?

Just shows how much a little more patience, love and a lack of sarcasm can help. I’m really happy you took the hard route of fixing the relationship :). It’s too easy for a third party to tell you to d**p him. Self unfullfillment is a huge problem nowadays and is the root to depression and anxiety. I wish you guys the best of luck!

throwawayacc201711 −  It always makes me happy when people actually get to the root of the issue and figure out what’s going on. I saw in the original that there were comments that he was trying to control you and this was a major red flag.

However, it sounds like he was going through a life change and it was really affecting him negatively. I hope this update serves as a reminder for people to talk and communicate, and to really investigate whether something is a red flag or not

NYCApologies −  90% of this Reddit will simply suggest breaking up rather than any advice on how to fix the problem.
I’m glad to hear you fought through it 🙂

curiouswizard −  That’s awesome! it really goes to show that when there’s a major problem problem happening – especially a problem that can turn into a toxic relationship dynamic or might be a red flag – it’s almost *always* worth having a little patience to try and untangle whatever the actual causes might be.

It can be hard to come to a true understanding like that and it takes a lot of honest conversation, self reflection, and empathy on both sides. It sounds like you guys navigated it in a mature and productive way, and you’ll both be stronger for it in the long run.

This is also a great example of how things never change over night – it really does take several conversations, weeks of thinking and working through it and being mindful, and then months to implement a major change in habits (like learning how to spend time differently) and to start working on long term fixes (like finding a new career).

It says a lot about how much you value him that you were willing to give him the time and space to figure this out and start on a new path. It also says a lot of good things about him that he actually listened and took genuine steps to fixing the issue. anyway. I’m a sucker for healthy relationships, and it sounds like you have the foundation for one 🙂

prana-llama −  Girl I’m so happy this is working out for you! I went through a phase in college where I was suffering from PTSD and my anxiety was untreated and I was an emotional WRECK. I could not cope with my boyfriend being busy.

He would have been 100% justified in dumping me but I’m v glad he didn’t. It’s been about 4 years since I started therapy and medication and things are just so great. Turns out I’m actually super independent when I’m happy and sane—we’ve been together 6 years now. Good luck to you both!

UliKunkl −  I’m glad you two decided to talk it through and see how it went. This sub is quick to say “move on, more fish” but this is a good example of listening to your gut and seeing it through.

My husband, whom I love dearly, is a little more “c**ngy” to me than I am to him. It’s not that he doesn’t like being alone, it’s that he sometimes just doesn’t have any options and given being lonely or being with me, he’d rather be with me. Sometimes I need to be alone, I need the space and the option to have it.

This causes some friction but he has no idea because for me to say I want to be alone when he clearly needs the company would hurt his feelings, and I don’t want to do that. But when we married I told him straight up that sometimes I will need to be alone, it’s part of who I am and it’s a need.

We didn’t live together first so it was after we married that I saw how that would shake out. He’s totally fine with that as needed and sometimes even asks me if I need it before I think of it. It’s really about recognizing what the person needs at that moment and knowing you’ll get what you need later.

[Reddit User] −  This doesn’t really address the issue of him not wanting you to be alone because you might get hit on. That was one of the brightest red flags in your OP.

Do you think the boyfriend’s proactive changes and their honest communication were the keys to resolving the issue? How would you handle similar challenges in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!