[Update] How can someone who isn’t invited to a wedding be considered responsible for giving a gift?

Hello everyone, before I get into what happened, I just want to thank you all for your kindness and great advice. I will try to explain everything in order this time. I tend to be very brief when I speak, which can confuse people, but I don’t mind clearing things up. You’re all great! It’s just that, the way I speak, my sister always has to ask me things like, “Did this happen before or after?” or “What happened next?”.

First, please read my original post & update 1: https://aita.pics/TYjkQ
https://aita.pics/mOgfr

 

‘ [Update] How can someone who isn’t invited to a wedding be considered responsible for giving a gift?’

To clarify things: When Carly tasted Jessy’s cake, she had already sent the invitations. That was on Monday. The group chat went silent after that, and the boyfriend muted it since he is the only admin. On Tuesday, the boyfriend came to the bakery to ask how I was doing. He apologized for Carly, saying he felt bad for how she treated me.

Then, he gave me an invitation (it wasn’t like the originals; it was just a white envelope with a printed letter inside).. I know you all like details! He asked me to come to the wedding, but I told him I already had plans and wouldn’t feel comfortable going. He asked why I didn’t say anything when I didn’t receive an invitation. I honestly told him that I was embarrassed to be the only one excluded, but I understood.

He said he didn’t know, and when Mady mentioned it, Carly said she had already sent it but “would check it.” He kept asking me to come, saying it would mean a lot to him.. I said no. (I’m learning to say “no,” and honestly, it feels great!) He asked me to think about it, left the invitation, and left.

Later that night, he added the guy who had left the chat earlier (the best man) back into the group. Then he sent a message saying something like: “The issue is resolved now; it was just a misunderstanding. We hope OP will join Carly and me on our big day. It would be really sad, we’d really miss her if she doesn’t come. OP, please come celebrate with us!”

Anna sent me a private message asking, “Did the boyfriend really bring you an invitation?” I said yes, and she said, “Send me a picture.” When I sent it, she replied: “What an i**ot.” She added: “Don’t go if you don’t want to. Don’t let him off the hook. He’s no better than Carly.”

I thanked her, and we wished each other a good night. The boyfriend reactivated the chat, and Carly replied to his message with two crying emojis: “yes, OP?” Then, the best man left the group again without saying anything. I also left the group and turned off my phone.

When I arrived at my parents’ house, I turned on my phone and saw a bunch of messages. I didn’t know what Carly had said, but I assumed it was about me or something else because Anna sent angry messages like, “That was too much.” To the group. The boyfriend had sent: “It’s here now, calm down.” Carly had sent a bunch of messages in the group asking why I wasn’t responding.

Mady replied to one of Carly’s messages (which I couldn’t see) saying: “Why do you want me to reply if you feel that way?” Apparently, Carly had said something like: “That i**ot never has an opinion about anything, and now she’s trying to act interesting.”

Jessy responded in the group saying: “She’s not receiving the messages; she’s not seeing this.” I had a lot of private messages from Jessy, but I first opened the group chat. There were more messages, but honestly, I didn’t feel well.. I turned off my phone again. On Saturday, it was the wedding, and I saw the photos on Facebook. Jessy and Mady had sent me private messages, but I didn’t know what to say.

In the end, Mady came to see me at work. She asked if I was upset because she went to the wedding. I told her no. She mentioned that I hadn’t responded to her messages, and I told her I was just stressed.

She also told me that she asked Carly’s mom about the whole cake issue. Carly’s mom said she hadn’t received it either because Carly wanted another girl to buy her cake a week before the wedding. Mady told her that Carly had originally chosen a fake cake, and the guest cake was pre-ordered in individual portions. Carly’s mom said she would talk to her, but thought it was just a misunderstanding.

Mady also mentioned that the best man told her he was going to cut ties with the boyfriend because of the resort issue and everything that happened. She said Carly was in a bad mood at the wedding, and the boyfriend got drunk, so they left early. But other than that, the wedding was fine. The original bridesmaids didn’t end up being the bridesmaids at the wedding; they were other girls. Mady also said that neither the best man nor Anna attended..

EDIT: Anna didn’t send me angry messages, she sent them to Carly. The group is on WhatsApp. The messages I received were after I was added back, and the one Mady selected. I’ll tell you what happened with the best man; he’s not on my side. He had a separate issue with the boyfriend and Carly. If Anna doesn’t like something, she’ll tell you; she didn’t stand up for me because of me, she would have done it for anyone.

I cleared it up this way because I’d like to read all your messages, and I hope the next time I update it will be the last because it’s been a lot. Sometimes I think I should have just given the cake as a gift. Some people at my work know what happened, and it’s awkward. I can talk about it easily here, but in person, it’s harder for me.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

MiInBadBook −  Good lord. Sounds like a huge dramatic mess. One you’re being dragged into, over and over again. I hope your stress has reduced some, I understand why you have it! Sounds to me like you’ve been mature and minimal -meaning, not fueling it all. Good for you. I hope it can all be put to rest now. (Be stay alert at end the bride and groom!). I’d love to get an Updateme, when something’s worth updating abut.

hedwigflysagain −  There is more to this you haven’t been told. It sounds like her lying about the cake is the last straw in a mountain of straw. The best man backed out, and the bridesmaids backed out. I don’t believe this is about cake.

Lula_mlb −  It kills me that this group is a solid decade older than you and they are acting like they are in their teens. I´d keep my distance, who needs all these drama in your life? Quality over quantity when it comes to friends!

FeedsBlackBats −  Sooooo, erm, do you know the guy formally known as the best man at all? Just wondering if he was just pissed off at their s**tty behaviour in general, or specifically towards you because he likes you? Would also give another clue as to why Carly doesn’t like you – she’s jealous the BM fancies you.

Far-Season-695 −  Again I don’t understand how a bunch of 30 years old can act like this.

zaritza8789 −  So they lost friends, he lost his best man and the bride ends up miserable at her own wedding and the groom was drunk. A true love story!

L_Dichemici −  I hope you can find some peace now that the wedding is over. Good on saying no and standing up for yourself. Right now the others need to think about how they really feel about the situation and stay friends or don’t stay friends with you, Carly and others in the group. I hope they groom divorces Carly quickly because would absolutely not like to be called abmassive i**ot in public/group by my significant other.. I wish you the best OP. Updateme.

MaryEFriendly −  Oy. They sound like terrible toxic people.  This reminds me of my aunt who pulled a similar stunt with my husband and I.  We had gone to a cousins wedding and were taking photos of the guests. My aunt saw some of the pictures and commented how nice they were. She mentioned something about possibly using us for her wedding, but that was it. Never heard from her or anything about it again. 

The day of the wedding (we didn’t go, because I genuinely dislike this aunt and we had other plans) we got a call from a different aunt asking where we were and why we weren’t there taking photos. My aunt had told everyone we were gifting her a photography package. 

She never called us to schedule or confirm anything. Pricing etc was never discussed. She just assumed we’d do it, no questions asked. I told my other aunt we never talked to her about any of this, other than a passing comment at her sons wedding. It created all kinds of idiotic drama.  In short, entitled assholes will always be assholes.

Secret_Double_9239 −  NTA sounds like the bride and groom are just as bad as each other.

MatthewnPDX −  NTA. From an etiquette perspective, it is poor form to fish for an invitation to any event let alone a wedding. I’ve been inadvertently omitted from invitation lists previously, it kind of hurtful, but at no point would I ask for an invitation. In fact, if I received what I perceive to be a B, C or D round invitation, I’d probably decline.

Also from an etiquette perspective, gifts, whether for a wedding or any other occasion, are purely discretionary on the part of the donor. No bakery does wedding cakes for free, for lots of reasons not the least of which is bitchy, demanding bridezillas and their mothers.