[Update] Found Out My (33f) Fiancé (31m) Used to Sleep with Married Women in His 20s, and His Justification Has Me Questioning Everything. How do I approach this?

A woman updates her story after learning that her fiancé once slept with married women in his twenties. After a deep conversation, he explained his reasoning, admitting that while he didn’t pursue the women aggressively, they were often seeking to cheat.

He expressed no remorse, stating that he prefers to learn from past experiences rather than regret them. Despite feeling uneasy at first, the woman decided to move past her concerns, understanding his perspective and reaffirming her love for him. She acknowledges it will take time to fully process the situation but is committed to their future together.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/VBImW

‘ [Update] Found Out My (33f) Fiancé (31m) Used to Sleep with Married Women in His 20s, and His Justification Has Me Questioning Everything. How do I approach this?’

I sat down with my fiance last night and told him we needed to talk more about what he told me. We’ve always been open about each other’s pasts and have zero jealousy. He knows about my ex partners and even some one night stands.

We have a policy of only giving information when asked and what started this whole conversation was me asking a question that led to this. I don’t believe he hid this from me on purpose. It just never came up until now.

I asked him why he thought 90% of women cheat and he said it’s just what he’s noticed but admitted the number is probably inflated. The sector he worked in is very cut throat and he thinks the type of sector he was in led to this happening a lot (he doesn’t work there anymore).

I asked him how he felt zero remorse on this. He said his policy is that regret is something that holds you back. He doesn’t spare any thought on anything he’s done in the past. He just believes in learning from experiences. That there are no bad experiences.

He also said he is really proud of the growth he’s had since he did this and how it made him appreciate a lot of small things in our relationship that he wouldn’t have had he done this. I also asked him about the women. Did he pursue them hard?

He said no not really, some he worked in but a lot he met at bars after work hours or through conferences. He said many of them were out looking to cheat. He’s had a lot of female friends who are in relationships that he never ever even flirted with because he could tell their relationships were strong.

I asked him how many exactly he slept with and he said he doesn’t know but probably over 20-30. Mostly older than him and mostly one night stands but with a few of them it happened over a period of a year or so. I asked if any got divorced eventually or got found out.

He said he never ever kept in touch with any of them or even stalked them so he genuinely doesn’t know but while he was involved, no one ever got found out. I asked him what kind of problems these women were facing. Many of them felt neglected and were in long distance relationships or marriages.

Many of them had husbands who hadn’t called them beautiful in years and many of them suspected their husbands were cheating on them. Overall I still feel a bit weird about this but I decided to give him a chance. He’s never ever shown me anything but love and adoration. He’s been a wonderful partner.

He moved with me for a job, he supported me during very tough patches in my career, he always buys me flowers and plans dates for me, my parents adore him and I adore his parents. I can’t stop describing how amazing of a man he is.

It will take me some time to get over this slight ick I had but I think I understand more where he’s coming from. He’s also seen how miserable women who cheat are and said that he never wants me or himself to find ourselves in a situation where this is the solution.

He’s a great communicator as a result and a few times where we got into arguments, he articulated his arguments to me perfectly and we got over things. We will still get married and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.. TLDR: we are not breaking up.

See what others had to share with OP:

crimson-gh0st −  Obviously it takes 2 to cheat but it’s pretty easy to not have any regrets when he’s literally never had to deal with the consequences of his actions.

BoredBKK −  “He said his policy is that regret is something that holds you back. He doesn’t spare any thought on anything he’s done in the past.”
Oh I truly believe he means this. So long as it’s not him paying the price he doesn’t give a s**t about what happens as a result of his actions.

mediocreravenclaw −  Shame and regret are important emotions to feel. They’re not comfortable and no one likes feeling them, but they inform us. Feeling regret tells us we aren’t proud of our actions and that we didn’t act according to our values and morals. Regret doesn’t hold him back, suppressing it does.

vegan_qt −  Hes “had a lot of female friends and never even flirted with them once because their relationships looked strong.” The bar could literally not be lower. But congratulations for that achievement I guess 🙄

thephloxisjinxed −  He’s learned how to ‘please women’ so they don’t leave and cheat….but I think it’s more like he knows how to cheat and not get away with it. Good luck.

dawdd −  It’s shocking how naive some people can be in relationships. From a guy’s perspective, I’d strongly advise walking away someone with a history of sleeping with 30 married women in his 20s is showing a clear pattern of betrayal and lack of remorse. Chances are, he’ll betray you too. He sounds like a narcissistic individual who doesn’t respect boundaries or commitment.

automaticsystematic −  We’ll see you back here in a year or so.

vegan_qt −  Ok but don’t be surprised when he’s out there cheating on you while you’re pregnant because he feels neglected and unhappy with your relationship. You picked a real winner here 🙏

HmajTK −  I’m skeptical to say the least; a man like this operates simply upon selfishness, but I hope this works out for you.

Tavali01 −  Sounds like a trained s**iopath