UPDATE: AITAH for laughing in my mother’s face when she said my stepsister planned my 18th birthday?

Ok, I didn’t think my post would get all this attention, welp. But thank you all for the good wishes and words of comfort. First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/lkATa

‘ UPDATE: AITAH for laughing in my mother’s face when she said my stepsister planned my 18th birthday?’

The article has the next update at the end.

 I read all your comments and decided to follow some advice: first of all i talked to Layla about my reaction to my mother. Layla raised me on the importance of communication and always pushing me to talk about my problems so I could solve them, so i see where her comment about my behavior came from and i understand it.

But i also gave her my point of view, telling her that the situation my mother was explaining was too absurd and laughing is the only natural instinct that came to me; while my mother was talking at some point i thought “Is it a joke? Or some sort of bad prank? Is she making this all up?” because her bs was absolutely ridiculous.

Layla said she understood me, and as many of you have told me, she just wanted me to understand that there will be situations in my life where I can’t just laugh and hang up the phone and she was just worried about my reaction. Anyway, we managed to clear the matter between us and I’m happy.

I also talked to my dad about the phone call he had with my mom. Apparently, my mom had an excuse for everything: she said that Keira just wanted to do a nice sisterly gesture on my big day, that she wanted to share her hobby (riding horses) with me and that she never thought my fish problem was a real problem but just a whim and the restaurant they had booked at made the best fish around.

And that last one is a lie because, when I was little, I threw up a couple of times in front of my mom just because we went somewhere that smelled strongly of fish so she know very well it’s a real issue for me.

My dad retorted that nothing they had prepared had been done for me, that Keira had clearly planned the party for herself, and what kind of party was it for me if none of my important people were there? My mother didn’t respond to this, she just started ranting that I was ungrateful and spoiled so my father told her to go to hell and hung up the phone.

After hearing this, I decided to follow another piece of advice you gave me and wrote a message to my mother. This time I decided to be mature and wrote the message in the most polite way possible: I apologized for laughing but what she was saying was too ridiculous so it was the only possible reaction from my side.

I reminded her that she never put any effort into building a relationship with me, that she doesn’t know me at all and has never cared about getting to know me and since the birthday party Keira organized only had things that Keira liked, they could enjoy it together with their family and friends.

I also told her that her invitation to my pizza party was withdrawn and she shouldn’t bother showing up since she had already made it clear with the last phone call what her priorities were and now I was going to do it too, and she was absolutely not on my priority list. I already have Layla as a mother and i can’t be more happy with her. I concluded by wishing her well with her new family and asked her not to contact me again.

She read the message but didn’t respond and I’m fine with that. If she were to respond, I’m sure it would just be more complaints about me being ‘ungrateful’ and ‘spoiled’. Because I know that talking to her is useless, she would not understand or pretend not to understand, but clarifying things once and for all has put an end to our situation.

At least on my side I had a sort of closure and i thank you all for that: I probably would have given up and ended contact with her after my 18th witouth said anything, but your comments helped me understand that a firm ‘end’ was necessary.

For those who asked how my mom could throw me a surprise party when I wasn’t with her: my dad asked her the same question (along with asking her how she could think he wouldn’t throw me an 18th birthday party; my dad took it a bit personally lol) and she said they had planned for Robert to come get me the morning of my birthday, explain the situation to dad and Layla and then take me to mom’s house under some pretense.

Honestly, I don’t know how it would have worked: I would have flat out refused to go to my mother’s if it wasn’t our set days, no matter what excuse they would have made up, and most of all I would never have left Layla and dad to go to mom’s on my 18th birthday. It would have been one thing if my mother and I had a good relationship but that was definitely not the case.

In all of this, the only person I don’t feel like blaming is Robert: we never had a close relationship, but he was always polite to me when we lived under the same roof. He even cleared out his study so I could have a permanent room in his house when I went to my mother’s.

We didn’t develop any ‘stepdaughter-stepfather’ bond, but he always tried to be kind to me so I don’t blame him for any of this. It’s likely that he really thinks the party is for me, we don’t know each other well enough for him to know my tastes unless my mother told him (which I highly doubt she did).

Luckily, I didn’t leave anything of mine at my mother’s house either: all my things are here at my father’s house permanently. Usually, I would pack my suitcase when I went to my mother’s with the things I needed for those days and then bring them back when I went back to my father’s. I never felt safe leaving anything to her because Robert’s family and Keira’s friends came over often and I didn’t want to leave anything of mine out in the open to strangers.

Well, that’s it for now. I hope my mom respects my wish to go no-contact and doesn’t bother me anymore after that. I’d also like to bring up the adoption conversation with Layla after the holidays, she seemed really happy when we first talked about it.

Thanks again everyone for your kind words and advice, your insights have helped me better manage the situation: I can understand that I’m still a little immature but I feel that this experience has helped me grow a little more and see the issue from other points of view.. All the best for you, guys.

Update 2: https://aita.pics/tLodV

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

redditlurker1981 −  Damn, I wish the original didn’t get deleted.

CatnipCosmos −  You handled this situation with maturity and clarity, setting firm boundaries. Layla seems like an amazing support in your life—wishing you the best moving forward.

Astyryx −  so I don’t blame him for any of this. No, but you should. His passivity, his neglecting of his daughter while benefitting from his wife taking over parenting duties _to your detriment_ is a major part of the problem. He was happy to live the status quo, and “let the ladies fight it out” while he hid behind amiability.

He’s a c**ard, and prioritizes his comfort over the well-being of the children in his home: you for being scapegoated, which is active abuse, and Keira being made into a Golden child, which is a different kind of parental malpractice and mental abuse. 

ASweetTweetRose −  Please update when your stepmom officially adopts you (is that still the plan??). I just want to know how the day/experience goes and how happy you are ☺️. I’m happy for you already.

BrewDogDrinker −  Well played OP.. Have a happy birthday.

roadkill4snacks −  OP I would send a polite message to Robert as a courtesy to thank him for his kindness and consideration over the years. Then wish him best of luck (implying a permanent goodbye).

ArreniaQ −  Awesome that this turned out for you. SO glad that they didn’t manage to sabotage your birthday. I’m a cynic; I suspect this ‘plan’ wasn’t even real. What are the chances that your mother dreamed up this birthday surprise after she got the invitation? Best wishes! Give your dad and Layla big hugs from an internet stranger.

HeartbrokenHymn −  Looks like OP’s mom should stick to planning surprise parties for herself because clearly, she doesn’t know her own daughter. Also, kudos to OP for handling the situation with maturity and standing up for themselves.

djriri228 −  Do you have any sort of relationship with your birth giver’s family and if so what do they think about your birth giver’s treatment of you. I think you handled this situation perfectly far more maturely than your egg donor.