Update: AITA for not making coffee how my fiance wants me to
A Redditor (23F) shares an update about her relationship with her now-ex-fiancé. After a year of dealing with his controlling nature, especially regarding trivial matters like coffee-making, she finally made the decision to leave him.
The controlling behavior extended beyond just coffee, and the Redditor is now living near her family, pursuing a career as a caregiver, and planning to become a social worker. She’s in a healthier relationship and enjoying her newfound freedom. Read the original story below…
For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/HYhVk
‘ Update: AITA for not making coffee how my fiance wants me to’
So it’s been about a year since I made this post. Whenever I read posts like mine on here, I’m always wondering, did OP leave that a**hole, so for those of you who care, I left that a**hole. A lot of you were on the nose that this wasn’t the only way that he was controlling.
My ex believes that he’s the smartest person in the room, so if you’re doing something differently than how he would, then you’re doing it wrong and must be corrected. I’m not saying that everyone’s responses to my post gave me a revelation and I immediately knew what I had to do, but it was a nail in the coffin.
I’m living within an hour of my parents now when before I was on the opposite side of the country. I have a job as a caregiver and am planning to go to grad school to be a social worker. I have a boyfriend who doesn’t try to control every aspect of my life.
When I go grocery shopping, I’m not stressing about accidentally buying the wrong brand of pasta (which was the right brand of pasta when we lived in a different state, I still don’t get that) or juice that’s from concentrate. And I’ve switched to pre-ground coffee because f**k you, I want to. None of this would’ve happened if I’d stayed with him.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
co_fragment − My ex believes that he’s the smartest person in the room. Now he’s sat alone in that room, it’ll always be true
mr_beannn − Congrats!. How did ex take the breakup?
Megmca − Pre-ground coffee???. ⊜_⊜. Next it’ll be tea in BAGS!
BendingCollegeGrad − LOVE this update. Many times someone will hear of a small behavior or quirk and say it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes it isn’t. But there are times when it is absolutely indicative of a larger problem. Those of us who’ve dated controlling assholes can see the difference clearly. And it’s damned hard to see when you are living it.. Be well, OP! So happy for you!
TheHierothot − Re: original post:. I am a barista. A career barista. I have been a barista since I was a teenager, starting with making batch-brews at a breakfast sandwich franchise restaurant and now I work for a small, local coffee shop where we hand-press our espresso, shake our iced lattes in a cocktail shaker, and brew and keg our own nitro cold brew.
I very much consider coffee both my art and my passion. I truly believe there is something sacred about people coming together and enjoying a beverage together; it might sound l**e, but throughout time and history, beverages and the communal consumption of such has been a major feature of various civilizations,
from Sufi Muslims to Buddhist monks, from Japanese tea ceremonies to the Ancient Greek Symposia, from Sumerian beer-brewers to modern-day post-AA-meeting coffee group hangout times, people have gotten together to discuss everything and anything over a pleasant-tasting liquid,
and that cannot be denied. It’s just something humans do; a relic from our hominid ancestors’ gathering near the cleanest water source. Anyway.)
I’m on my 12th year as a barista, and I wanna clue you in on a little secret: We all *hate* guys like your fiancé.
It’s literally stupid anyway—each different batch of beans has an entirely different optimal grind and dosage size, and no matter how long you’ve been in the business, you need to dial it in first; that is, test a few different grinds of a certain batch before settling on the one you’ll use for that batch of beans. And then the next batch, you re-adjust again by dialing it in again.
There isn’t, and never has been, one hard-and-fast “correct” way to make coffee. In Greece, a Frappé is a shaken iced drink made with instant coffee and powdered milk; in the US it’s basically a breakfast milkshake.
In Europe a macchiato is a shot of espresso with a dollop of foam on top and zero steamed milk whatsoever mixed in with the espresso; in the US “macchiato” is a fancy word that people slap on caramel-flavored iced lattes to make them sound exotic and cool.
In Turkey they basically grind the coffee into dust and make it mud-level strong; and the Mayans b**t-chugged room-temperature chocolate water. (Edit: correction) Finally, I want to heavily emphasize one more thing: **Decaf will never have the same rules as regular coffee.**
The raw beans are processed differently, so by the time of roasting the beans are essentially pre-cooked, and this makes a BIG difference. Decaf beans are going to be more brittle, resulting in a finer being basically no matter what because the carbonated beans are lighter and looser when crushed than regular roasted beans which will be heavier and denser because of their higher oil content.
This also means that decaf has a much faster brew time than caffeinated beans because *they have a whole different structure*. Anyway, your ex is a d**che, and those of us in the industry roll our eyes at those types. One of the most insufferable people I’ve ever had the displeasure of working with was this exact breed of coffee s**b,
and EVERYONE at the shop disliked it. And the guys who are the loudest about it tend to know barely more than the average layperson. Anyway, I’ve evolved to the point where I’m learning how to roast coffee beans, which is super neat and exciting! That’s how I know all of this about processing decaf beans v. regular beans, etc.
Ok-Bus2328 − OP I’m so glad you got out. Enjoy your coffee however the f**k you want!
excel_pager_420 − I’m one of the commentators who will read posts like your 1st one, think, *this sounds like part of a much wider pattern of unhealthy behaviour* and comment that. Recently I’ve been wondering if this is the right approach, like maybe it is jumping to conclusions over something too small?
But an update like this is reassuring to read, to know that actually, the comments may prompt someone to reflect and if they are in an a**sive situation, to start to see it as such & connect the dots needed to get ready to leave. I’m glad you’re out & far away from that AH.
adapech − I remember reading your post originally, and was so worried. I see so many women post on here tolerating things they shouldn’t, making themselves smaller, unable to complete a simple task without criticism from their partner.
Intentional cruelty isn’t only ever in one area, and seeing it said “I can’t even decide how I want my coffee” was so heartbreaking. I’m glad you’ve moved on, it sounds like you’re doing a lot better!
[Reddit User] − Nice. My gf and I have different coffee makers entirely. She’s a drip with folders pre ground, and I’m a fresh ground Columbian dark roast with a French press. I like cream, she goes black, but we agree on no sweetner..
We love each other and life is too short to have arguments over something like that. Hell, if I am up when she goes to work I’ll put hers on when shes in the shower just how she likes it. I’m very glad you’ve moved on to a more healthy relationship OP!
Laines_Ecossaises − Thank you for the update! Enjoy your coffee and pasta and happier life!
Sometimes, leaving a toxic relationship opens doors to new opportunities and personal growth. How do you think the Redditor’s life will continue to evolve after this decision? Do you have any experiences with leaving toxic relationships that you’d like to share? Let’s talk in the comments.