My wife [34F] of 15 years passed away earlier this year, does this get any easier?

A Redditor, mourning the sudden death of his wife earlier this year, shares how the pain continues to overwhelm him despite assurances that it will get easier over time. After 15 years together, he finds himself struggling with daily reminders of their lost future plans,

like adopting children and traveling. Although his family and friends are supportive, he feels as though nothing helps, and the pain only deepens. He wonders if the grief ever truly gets easier. Read the full story below:

‘ My wife [34F] of 15 years passed away earlier this year, does this get any easier?’

My wife died in an accident earlier this year. We’d been together for 15 years, since I was 21 and she was 19. I’ve had so many people tell me that it gets easier, it’ll get better, I will be okay but I wake up everyday and nothing, it doesn’t hurt any less. The pain hasn’t dulled in the slightest. It feels like everyday is worse than the last when I’ve heard it’s supposed to be better with each passing day.

All I can think of was I never planned for this. We talked about adopting a child or two. We bought our first house together back in January, we talked about spending our Christmas in the Caribbean as we both really can’t handle the cold. All I have these days is my job and every single person there treats me like a fragile toy or something.

It gives me something to do though, it kills half my day so I don’t spend that time bombarded with memories. The rest of the time though, every single thing reminds me of her. My friends are completely supportive and so are my family members but it’s just not helpful you know? It doesn’t change the fact that the love of my life is gone.

It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know if I will ever love anyone the way I loved her, if at all. I know how melodramatic this sounds but it’s how I feel. I don’t know how to be better despite so many people saying it’ll be easier. Does it get any easier? Because it’s only gotten worse for me. In March, heaven might have gained an angel but I lost mine.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  Hi there, OP. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain that you’re feeling and that you’ve been carrying with you all this time. As someone who has experienced a fair bit of loss, I can’t tell you that it gets better. It just gets… different. After some time, little reminders of her won’t break your heart.

They’ll hurt, but they’ll make you smile too. After some time, you’ll think of the best times you have together and your hearts won’t shatter. After some time, you’ll dream about her and wake up without crying. Time is the only thing that can heal a wound like loss. Time, and counseling, are the only things that can help you right now.

I’m so, so sorry that I can’t offer better comfort. You may never love anyone like you loved her. *But you loved her.* So many people go through their lives without experiencing a great love like yours. Fifteen years of your lives together were well spent in good company.

nixvex −  I’m a widower myself. Yes, it does get easier over time but the first years are hell. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time brother. It will seem unbearable, even impossible, at times. I promise you though, it does change over time. I’m about your age and lost my wife years ago. You can PM me if you would like someone to talk to who can relate.

francescatoo −  Somewhat easier, but it takes longer than that . I lost my husband of forty years almost two years and still a fist clutches my heart when I think about it.

zopeykins −  My mother had been with her boyfriend since they were both 22, 14 years together. She killed herself and my stepfather suddenly lost his wife and became a single father. From what I’ve seen/been told by him, it doesn’t get easier, it gets normal. It’s been 5 years and I’ve walked in on him crying alone in his room.

He’s actually just ended a relationship recently but he was very open that he still loved my mother and missed her everyday. Over time it just became normal to not have her around, you stop expecting to see them around the house. We moved after her death but still it felt like she moved with us.

You don’t need to be okay. Holidays will suck, they will suck a royal f**k ton! But that’s okay. The thing that helped my stepfather and myself was “right now you’re surviving, in time you’ll live again.” It’ll be alright. It took my stepfather 4 years to get past his rut but I’ve never seen him happier.

BrokenPaw −  I’m terribly sorry for your loss, OP. When we are married for a long time, the other person becomes part of us. To lose that part of us, especially suddenly as you did is not unlike suffering a sudden and catastrophic injury, such as losing a limb.

Like losing a limb, losing a partner affects *everything* we do. Just as a limb doesn’t grow back, the part of ourselves that we lose when a partner dies doesn’t grow back. There is no “right” amount of time to grieve, because each person is different, and each relationship is different.

You will probably be grieving to some extent for the rest of your life, and anyone who tells you that you should be “over it” in a year, or five, or ten, is a fool. You are already feeling the same sort of phantom pain that an amputee feels, but in an emotional sense rather than a physical sense.

A future relationship (if or when you feel ready for one) may (probably will) feel strange, not because it’s not good, but because it’s not *her*. Just as with the loss of a limb, you have to re-learn how to do things; the old ways of living life, which you had gotten used to for the past 15 years, are not going to work any more.

Things may get “easier” in the sense that you will find new ways of doing things, as a person coping with an injury finds new ways of doing them, but that’s adaptation, not recuperation. You can’t use both hands to open a jar if you don’t have two hands any more, and even if you find a new way to open that jar, it’s still not the way you’d done it all your life until you lost the hand.

Part of my role within my spiritual community is as an end-of-life counselor, both for those who are facing their own deaths and those who are coping with the death of a loved one. If I can be a resource for you I would be happy to; please feel free to PM me.

[Reddit User] −  I am really sorry for your loss. I think you are going through a natural grieving process, and it certainly doesn’t sound melodramatic. One thing that helped me when my Dad died was bereavement counselling. It doesn’t magically make everything OK, but it did help me come to terms with my feelings to some extent.

planetkimon −  My wife of 35 years died on April first 2014. I have been where you are. You don’t forget, but you’ll get to the point where you can think and talk about her without welling up. And you WILL be able to live your life. Remember that is what she would want. Try to look ahead and do great things with your life. For both of you.

[Reddit User] −  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You were in each other’s lives for so long, it’s not surprising that you’re still struggling. Also, feeling better isn’t as consistent a process as people would like it to be. You’ll have good days that will suddenly come crashing to a halt when you realize you’re enjoying them without her,

and bad days that will be lightened by a good memory or feeling like you’ve gotten some kind of “sign” from her. If you’re really not feeling any kind of progress and it’s getting in the way of you living your life, then don’t be afraid to call in a counselor,

and do try to cultivate some hobbies and friendships that will keep you distracted and provide you with a clean slate. But don’t feel like there needs to be some kind of clear timeline or mileposts for how the recovery is supposed to go. We all get there in our own way.

RedTailgirl −  “Life is not separate from death – it only looks that way.” – Blackfoot proverb. This proverb has always comforted me. Death is part of life. And All of us have to go through this with our loved ones. It WILL get better and you will be stronger for it. You just have to take it day by day. If it helps – Live the life she would want you to live. Am sorry for your loss. Words don’t make it any easier but time will.

[Reddit User] −  It sounds like you two had something very special.

Grief is a deeply personal journey, and for many, it doesn’t follow a linear path. The pain of losing a loved one can feel relentless, and even the well-meaning reassurances from others can seem hollow. Does time truly heal, or is it the way we learn to carry the pain that changes? Share your experiences and thoughts on coping with loss.