My step sister (20F) texted me (21M) last night asking why we aren’t close anymore and I said its because how bad we treated each other growing up, should I feel bad for not wanting to be close with her?

reflects on the strained relationship with their stepsister, recounting how their childhood was filled with insults, fights, and resentment. The sibling rivalry escalated into cruel behavior from both sides, with the Redditor citing years of mockery and hurtful comments, particularly about injuries and weight.

Despite attempts at making amends, the relationship remains distant, and the Redditor feels indifferent about rekindling a close bond. The stepsister reached out, questioning why they aren’t close anymore, prompting the Redditor to express that they don’t wish to be close due to the way they treated each other. Read the original story below…

‘ My step sister (20F) texted me (21M) last night asking why we aren’t close anymore and I said its because how bad we treated each other growing up, should I feel bad for not wanting to be close with her?’

My mom died when I was 6, and my dad remarried when I was 9, the women he married had a daughter one year younger than me so she was 8. At first I loved having a new “mom” she wasn’t the best and will never replace my real mom but I appreciate her trying to be there for me and I am pretty close with her and my dad. At first I loved having a “sister” and we got along great, I loved having a play mate during vacations and always having a player 2.

The problems really started to amp up when I was 13 and she was 12, it seemed like no matter what I did went unpunished in her eyes and she had to mock me constantly. Being a hot headed 13 year old usually meant id retaliate and we would have those long screaming matches till either of our parents told us to knock it off or they would send up to different parts of the house to cool off.

I also started playing football in high school and my problem was that I was constantly getting injured. In 8 years (11-18) I broke my arm, pinky, wrist, got 2 concussions, tore my ACL, sprained my MCL and dislocated my shoulder. On top of all that I was kinda chubby, I don’t wanna say I was fat (I was about 180-210 from the ages of 14-18 at 6’2).

She used to make fun of me for my injuries and my weight which were very touchy subjects for me her favorite insult was “you fat cripple l**er!” or “maybe if you lost some weight you wouldn’t get injured so often.” Back then those insults really pissed me off but I kept trying to be the “older brother” and just told her to shut up, fight back or storm off.

She also loved to embarrass me when friends were over by bringing up dumb stuff I did when I was like 9 or 10 (my friends are great people but we tease each other a lot and would usually remember anything embarrassing we did and bring it up later). So whatever she said to them would always get back. I did talk with her if she could just shut up when I have my friends over, and she basically told me to F off and that its her house too.

At this point in my life (16yo) I am super pissed at how s**tty she has treated me over the years, I know I caused some if and usually fought back when she got snippy and bratty at me but to me she started more fights than I did.

I did try to talk to my dad and step mom about the way me and her treat each other and they basically said its normal “sibling rivalry”. Her antics got a lot worse and her words got more and more mean filled and vile, which meant I would retaliate with just as mean and vile filled insults.

I will not sit here and say I wasn’t just as mean to her as she was to me. I used to b**ly her relentlessly for these hair buns she would wear from 13-14 (if you want a picture just look up the buns leah wore from star wars).

I also told her plenty of times that I hate her and don’t consider her family, (I have apologized so much for those 2 cause I do feel bad, even tho she hasn’t apologized I know she feels bad too). I bet there were some other moments but they didn’t happen to me so I probably forgot them.

I moved out when I was 18 without ever sending her a text message goodbye or even telling her I was moving out. the past 5 years of unpleasantness between us made me happy that I didn’t have to see her. A year later she moves out and I still resented her for how we treated each other.

We go almost 2 years without speaking other than on holidays and thats really only dry stuff nothing big. I am now 21 and she’s 20 and I got a text the other night asking why we aren’t close like we were when we were kids. I basically said I don’t care to get along with you or get close because of how we treated each other as kids.

She told me to grow up and not even an hour later I get a call from my dad asking why I have so much hate for my “sister” years since we have lived together. I told him ill be cordial and won’t cut her out of my life but I don’t need or want to be close with her. How do I go about telling her that I don’t want us to be close YET, until WE both want to be close. But leaving the door open for her not to resent me, and we can still love each other?

TL;DR:Me and my sister treated each other terribly growing up and now I don’t really care to be close with her.

Edit: I would like to point out that I was just as mean to my step sister, I don’t have examples cause it’s been 5 years and didn’t stick with me like hers did but our fighting growing up did go both ways.

Edit 2:Some people have said that I shouldn’t cut her out of my life, and I agree with that. I love her and want to be there for her but I don’t LIKE her enough to be close with her.

Edit 3: I added more to the story of how I was s**tty to her too

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

kat_wit −  I don’t think you should feel bad at all for not wanting to be close with her. Based on her response she clearly doesn’t feel bad about what she did. Her whole “why aren’t we close anymore?” deal sounds like a way for her to try to get you to pretend it never happened while also not acknowledging or apologizing for the horrible things she did. It sounds like you have and will be much happier without her playing a significant role in your life.

VonAether −  She told me to grow up. “I did grow up, and I made the grown up decision that I don’t need to have people who treat me like s**t in my life.”

rainyreminder −  Jesus christ, I feel so bad for you–your stepsister was a pretty awful teenager. It’s okay that you don’t want to talk to her or be close to her. This sounds like a pretty toxic relationship that, unfortunately, your father and stepmother enabled, and your father is currently enabling.

I do actually see this dynamic pretty often in families where one person is just a giant sack of s**t, but faaaaamily, and so everyone else is just expected to roll over and take it for the sake of peace.

Your father asking about “so much hate” is probably just him being unwilling to lose his stepdaughter’s favourite punching bag, because then things might be uncomfortable for him and his wife.

agnes_mort −  I thought you might’ve been a bit unreasonable and you should give it a try, but her response shut that down. She isn’t willing to work on issues, she just wants to dismiss your feelings and pretend nothing ever happened.

If she was able to apologise and meet you halfway in terms of getting to know each other again then yeah sure, you might get a good relationship. But saying ‘oh are you still mad over that’ confirms she doesn’t. Keep doing what you’re doing. Be polite and cordial, don’t hate her, but don’t get close. Explain it to your dad, but don’t make it a big deal that ‘she has to apologise for what she’s done’. Keep it conflict free and it’s fine. Not everyone does have close relationships with their siblings.

Notarefridgerator −  I would love to hear this story from the other side.

staceywacey −  I’m not making excuses or giving your stepsister a pass- she was terrible and you didnt deserve to be treated that way at all- but here’s the thing… Teenagers are assholes. All of them. Yes, you were too. So was I. Everyone around you? Assholes as teenagers.

And the further you get from those years, the easier it will be to see. And, hopefully, you’ll start to make amends. Doesnt have to be now. Doesnt have to be any time soon. But one day, you might want to open that dialogue and bridge that gap again.

So don’t feel bad for not wanting a relationship with her now. Just let her know you’re not far enough away from those s**tty teenage years to be able to turn the other cheek, be polite but not friendly, and do your own thing.

TheCuriosity −  idk man.. my older brother was complete garbage to me growing up, but once we both hit our twenties we became really close. Never talked about the garbage that he put me through when we were kids, but I didn’t really see a reason to? Kids are stupid. Kids going through puberty are the f**king worst. But like your adults now? Your choice to not give her a chance now as you seem not ready, but maybe in a few years you will be?

Maybe when this all started you were drifting away in her mind (cause you are older and probably started to do other things and she felt left behind) and being a child that she was, she reacted badly to the perceived drifting away.. and then you would react in kind and then it just became a circular dance you two did. You even admit in your own post that you are not innocent in this. Your actions (as also a child going through puberty) were hurtful to her too.

ottoneurseolo −  She treated you like garbage when you were younger and from her attitude now she hasn’t changed. Your feelings are valid. You are not required to get along with her or talk to her for that matter. Don’t feel bad about this at all. Your parents did a poor job of handling the situation between both of you when you were younger.

Ells_Bells1 −  Might just be me but this sounds like normal teenage sibling stuff. I know my sister and me loathed each other from the ages of 12 to 19..we were vile to each other. I wouldn’t throw away an adult relationship because of teenage stuff.

HeyApples −  Kids do mean s**t to each other without understanding the consequences. That doesn’t mean they do those same things as adults. I’ve seen countless cases of bitter sibling feuds that were mended as adults once both parties were properly matured. To throw away that opportunity at the age of 21 is rash. You’re presumably going to have to spend some family time with her over the coming years, no need for it to be on hostile terms if she’s open to mending the fence.

Do you think it’s fair for the Redditor to not want to be close with their stepsister after everything that happened, or should they try harder to mend the relationship? How would you approach reconciling a past full of hurtful memories? Share your thoughts below!