My husband keeps ruining my birthday, how do I tell him without starting a fight?

A 41-year-old woman shares that her husband (49M) has repeatedly ruined her birthdays by failing to meet her expectations and making decisions that disregard her preferences. This year, she clearly communicated her desire for an adventurous birthday outing, but he instead surprised her by inviting her emotionally distant mother over.

Despite some gifts, the day ended up being unsatisfactory, leaving her feeling overlooked and frustrated. She wants advice on how to bring up her feelings without causing a big argument. Read the original story below.

‘ My husband keeps ruining my birthday, how do I tell him without starting a fight?’

It is my (41f) birthday. Today. My husband (49m) of 19 years can be an a**hole, I don’t need anyone to tell me that. His s**tty behavior is few and far between though, most of the time we get along, love each other, s** is great and fairly frequent, he is very unselfish in bed, cleans up around the house, ready to jump in and do whatever needs to get done with the kids.

Generally a good husband with some bad qualities. The problem arises when we try to resolve conflict and he is extremely defensive to the point it’s aggressive. Hence my post.

Last year on my birthday, I didn’t “tell him clearly enough” what I wanted him to do while we planned the evening, he ended up snapping at me then refusing to speak to me, and I ended up crying-driving myself and our kids to the trampoline park.

(That’s where I wanted to go. I love it:) He doesn’t.) This year I was clear- I said I wanted to do the pool or another type adventure park by us, think Dave and Busters but also with a zip line. He said oh no, don’t plan anything, he has a surprise! While I was out running a quick errand with my daughter today, he told me to come home because the surprise was almost there.

It was that he invited my mother over for the day. My mother and I aren’t close. She is emotionally cold and distant to the point she can be rude to me, and he knows our relationship is unfulfilling at best and disappointing at worst. She will sometimes just pretend I’m not speaking and start talking to someone else while I am mid sentence. We don’t spend time together, and my husband doesn’t particularly like her either.

And so far he has spent the day giving us 20 minutes at the table having cake, then he went in our hot tub- alone- now he’s downstairs playing some video games. I am stuck here with my mom who will probably stay until bedtime. I feel like my day is ruined again, I’m seething mad.

In all fairness to him, he bought me flowers and several pieces of coach jewelry, even though I don’t wear jewelry which he knows. I feel like he threw money at it, invited my mom to babysit me, so now he can do what he wants. How do I bring this up without causing a raging argument? I feel angry and overlooked, I feel like I was “handled” and then bailed on. Please give me some blueprint for how to handle this. 

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

WielderOfAphorisms −  That, my dear stranger, it total BS. That’s not a birthday, that’s punishment with a consolation prize. May I suggest that you plan your own birthday celebrations going forward. He should not contribute anything…at all.. Happy Birthday and sorry.

Blue-eagle-23 −  Maybe just a “as you well know my mother is not a birthday gift so tomorrow (or whatever day you pick) will be my do over”. Adventure park for sure

dowhatchawannaa −  Narcissistic people ruin holidays/birthdays. I didn’t realize I was with a n**cissist until I randomly read the book Codependent No More. I couldn’t unsee it after I had all the info. Go get a fancy meal out in a new outfit… on him. 😉

fiery_valkyrie −  So he invited your mother, who he knows you don’t get along with, and bought you jewellery, which he knows you don’t like. He deliberately sabotaged your birthday. This isn’t clueless incompetence, and you have every right to be completely pissed off at him. Is this really your husband showing you his love? Because it seems more like contempt to me.

asexynerd1 −  If I get a dollar every time I see a post on here that went like “My partner is amazing. My relationship is great except this ONE thing.” and then just list every possible way their partners disrespect them, ignore their needs/ wants, is selfish/aggressive/a**sive, I will have enough money to have a luxurious vacation.

Imnotawerewolf −  Cause an argument. Why should you not? He didn’t bother. Let him know you know he didn’t bother and you’re disappointed. Let him know it makes you not want to put effort in for him, because you know he won’t make any effort for you. 

Cattail29 −  For his next birthday tell him you have big plans and then invite your mom over. Then you leave to get a mani/pedi by yourself.

MarzipanJoy-Joy −  Please read your post and comments back to yourself. You spend a paragraph saying how he’s so great, and then in a comment you say he has zero interest in you amd refuses to put in any effort for the relationship. You know he’s doing this on purpose. The only times he’s “great” are when he’s doing something for himself. This dude is an ass. 

EfficiencyForsaken96 −  Honestly, this should start a fight. Why are you trying to spare his feelings when he very clearly is not trying to take care of yours? He put zero thought into either of your birthdays and ruined both of them for you. I bet if you looked closer, you would see a pattern of this.

Thecardinal74 −  Don’t make a scene. Don’t yell. Just casually tell him. “Last year you yelled at me because I didn’t tell you clearly enough what I wanted for ,y birthday. So this year I told you *exactly* what I wanted for my birthday.

And instead of the pool/zipline/theme park like I asked, you invited my b**** mother and abandoned me with her for 6 hours. Next year don’t even bother, I’ll just make my own plans with the kids and you can sit in the hot tub or play video games all day long.” Then before he can say anything just walk away. Maybe do it as you leave for work so he can’t start a fight about it and has to think about it all day.

Have you ever felt overlooked or misunderstood on your special day? How do you navigate situations where your partner’s actions leave you feeling hurt but you don’t want to escalate conflict? Share your thoughts in the comments below.