My gf decided to be sober and wants me to join her
A Redditor (26M) shares a conflict with his girlfriend (23F) of nearly two years, who recently decided to become sober and wants him to do the same. While he supports her choice, he doesn’t feel he has a problem with alcohol or weed and enjoys them in moderation during social events or personal downtime.
Her desire for complete sobriety from her life partner has left him feeling pressured, and he’s now seeking advice on whether compromise is possible without sacrificing his sense of autonomy. Read the original story below to explore his dilemma.
‘ My gf decided to be sober and wants me to join her’
My gf decided to be sober and wants me to be sober as well. My gf(23) and i(26M) have been dating for almost 2 years now. We used to drink and smoke together all the time. 3 months ago, She decided to quit all together.
She feels that it has become a toxic habit in her life and she needs to stop. I support her decision because it is her life and thats fine. I for one as of late, have been sober but i will partake in social settings and such.
She confronted me on how she wants her life partner to be sober and how she doesn’t want alcohol or weed in the house. I told her i understand but i am conflicted. I don’t feel like i have a problem with weed or alcohol and I enjoy them both.
I like to eat and edible before i play video games or enjoy a beer or two while i bbq for the family. I like things in moderation but i feel like choice to quit everything is being forced upon me. I’ve asked if i can just keep my things separate from her, like in my office/gaming room but she doesn’t like that idea.
I don’t get drunk or high around her when we hang out but she wants me to practice sobriety every where. Are there any compromises could we agree on to move forward into the relationship and without compromising my integrity?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
30222504cf − She might need sobriety around her to keep hers intact. It is your personal decision whether you want to be sober or not. One of the things that happens when you get into rehab is that you usually have to change all of your friends. You two may have gotten to the end of your relationship.
onedayatatime08 − If your girlfriend has a problem with alcohol and drugs and wants to keep herself sober, that may not be possible if there’s alcohol or drugs in the house when she’s there. Someone who has an addiction just needs easy access to start using again.
If it’s right there.. yeah, that’s a problem. You don’t have to partake in this, but if I were with someone who wanted to be sober, I know I’d do my best to support that. And if you can’t.. just be honest.
She might need to walk away from the relationship to maintain a sober lifestyle. Neither one of you are wrong and you still have a choice. She just needs to make choices that help her as best as possible.
mew_mew_kitty_kat − She’s the only one who can agree on a compromise and from what you wrote, she is not interested. You need to decide if this is a deal-breaker.
WielderOfAphorisms − Her choice to become sober and maintain a substance/alcohol-free lifestyle and home are her choice and good for her. However, it’s also your home and your decision to make for yourself. Neither of you is wrong. However, you may no longer be compatible cohabitating.
Forcing someone into a decision builds resentment. It’s overstepping another person’s autonomy. It does not lead to positive outcomes. Remind your girlfriend that you support her and that you’ve made reasonable concessions. If she cannot accept your compromise she will need to make a decision for herself whether the living situation is tenable.
On your side, you have to decide if she won’t budge whether this will make you resentful and unhappy. If you can’t be reasonably comfortable at home there will be problems. This may be a point of divide and potentially the end of living together.
automator3000 − Oh, I think you both know that this means things are finished between the two of you. There might be a time in her life where being around d**g and alcohol use doesn’t bother her one bit.
But for now, she has made the hard choice that she cannot be around d**g and alcohol use. Neither of you are wrong. But you cannot find compromise at this point in time that involves her maintaining what she needs and your indulgences.
phoinixpyre − Honestly, it sounds like she doesn’t want the temptation around her, and its 100% her choice. There are people who can practice moderation and some that can not.
Its really up to you to decide whether you’d could live without her in your life. Drugs and alcohol aren’t necessary, so really, it’s whether you think those add more to your life than she does.
WeirdAl777 − Good for your GF. You can support her, or not – from my experience, there’s no half way.
XepherWolf − OP your gf is a a**oholic trying to recover, it’s different than weed and alcohol becoming a bad habit . Maybe take your edibles/weed/alcohol elsewhere, or restrict the amount you use with her present. I understand wanting to game high but your partner needs your support right now .
Dear_Parsnip_6802 − If she has an addiction having the alcohol accessible to her may be a problem. The only compromise I can think of would be you agreeing to only drinking outside the home.
DanteQuill − I’m straight edge because I know how (one side of) my family has addictive personalities, and I’d rather just not F with it. That said my wife has a decent liquor collection… for a small business (she only has a few drinks a week tho, it’s the damnedest thing, I think she just likes collecting lmao).
I don’t care because I’m never even tempted. I’d ask your gf if he concern is temptation. If it is, then you’ve got a decision to make. If it isn’t, well then she needs to get all the way off your back.
Do you think the girlfriend’s request for sobriety is a fair expectation in a long-term relationship, or should individual autonomy take precedence? How would you approach finding a balance between personal values and relationship commitments? Share your thoughts and advice below!