my bf (31) of 14 years says he doesn’t like something I always do when I’m happy (32)?

A Reddit user shared a heartfelt concern about their long-term relationship after their boyfriend revealed he finds one of her quirky habits—singing playfully when happy—irritating to the point of discomfort.

The user, who has been happier since starting medication for ADHD and anxiety, feels hurt by his reaction and questions if the relationship has lost its spark since living together and having a child. Read the full story below to explore the complexities of balancing personal quirks and relationship dynamics.

‘ my bf (31) of 14 years says he doesn’t like something I always do when I’m happy (32)?’

So when I’m happy I tend to sing what I am saying or if I’m in a giddy mood, it’s like a sarcastic kind of thing, example – my hair was messy I would sing “stunning” in a harmonize tone. I do it a lot especially if I’m happy

Bare in mind that I have adhd and anxiety so I’ve been taking medication for that the past few months and have been feeling a lot happier. I was singing a lot last night and my bf got really irritated, he didn’t just say “can you stop I’m irritated” (which I would be understanding- we can all be annoying at times) he proper lay into me and said it makes his skin crawl

I feel like my bf should love me for who I am, it’s something I do when I’m happy? Should he not be happy that I’m a lot more happier than before my medication? I used to have full on meltdowns a lot and cry a lot, and now I’m really stable

Myself and my bf are together 14 years and have a 2.5 year old girl. We’ve been living together the past 2 years and he just informed me last night that when I do it it’s like someone grating his skin off

I’m so offended I feel like we’ve just lost our spark since living together and having a baby, he said he feels embarrassed to show me affection, I always tell him my love language is reassurance and he just doesn’t get it, after all this time?? Are all couples like this after a baby?

I don’t know weather it’s just fizzling out and there’s nothing really left because we always try and talk it out and promise to make more of an effort but if he is attacking my character saying he hates a certain thing I constantly do when I’m happy I’m not sure really

I feel embarrassed to act like that now when I’m happy because I know it’s making him want to grate his skin off? But I should feel comfortable to be myself and should he not accept it? TLDR bf doesn’t accept me for who I am? Says my signing is really irritating, we are falling out of love it feels

See what others had to share with OP:

TaikosDeya −  A little story – my husband talks to our pets and himself a lot. He also walks around making little “doot doot” noises and other strange verbal stuff. It seems to be a self soothing behavior and he can’t stop it, he couldn’t even if he tried, I don’t think he realizes he even does it as much as he does. As

I write this, he is walking around in the kitchen talking himself through a task. Is it annoying? Yes, yes it is, very annoying. Does it bother me some days more than other days? Yes, especially when I come home from a tough day at work or other life stresses. Have we argued over it before? Yes. Do I also have annoying habits? Yes.

Have we also argued about my annoying habits before? Yes. These things are what is called the “price of admission” to dating or being married to or being in a relationship with someone. No one is perfect and no two people will ever be an exact perfect match with every single thought and behavior aligned.

If this is a one-off incident I would assume he has just snapped due to a buildup of stress. He probably owes you an apology and a conversation should be had. If this is one thing in a sea of things that are happening, it may be time to take a closer look at the relationship and see where it’s heading.

joecee97 −  The people agreeing with him are missing the point that if they personally would dislike living with someone who sings a lot, then they shouldn’t. That doesn’t mean you should do it less.

Krescentia −  If he hasn’t normally complained and is typically open, he may be agitated due to other things? Like he might normally find it just slightly annoying but whatever; but troublesome toddler or work overwhelm could push that into an agitated state.

Doesn’t make it right that he was snippy but might be worth talking about to see what issues there might be. I get where you’re at though. I do weird noises, gestures, and singy type things and most people I’ve been with have been greatly irritated by these.

woolencadaver −  The only men who have done this to me just didn’t really like me. You don’t need to stop. You are right, your boyfriend should be brightened by the fact you are happy. I suspect misery may love company in this instance. Keep getting better and if he wants to be a grumpasaurous leave him behind. What he did was disrespectful, that’s the issue.

amidtheprimalthings −  I think there is something larger at work here than him being annoyed by you singing when you’re happy. Your partner said to you that you make his skin crawl, your self-expression makes him want to grate his skin off, and he’s embarrassed to show you affection.

Those are some really serious things to say to your partner and I think his issues run deeper than being frustrated at the way you express your joy. My husband and I do the same thing. I can’t even tell you how many times I’m showering or taking a bath or upstairs and my husband will just belt out in song “I f**king love youuuuu” or this little “tune” we created as an unintentional call and response.

My husband is also ADHD and take medication and while sometimes his brain makes me go 🧐 I am *never* embarrassed to show him affection and his self-expression doesn’t make me want to claw my skin off. If something happened and we were separated and I would miss those small quirks so much because I *love* him. It seems like your partner borders on not even *liking* you.

Your partner clearly has something he’s chomping at the bit about and it might be worth doing some couples counseling – if that’s accessible to you, of course.

The most unhealthy thing you can do for your child is stay in a situation in which your partner treats you poorly and erodes your self-worth because they are either (i) not happy with the relationship but too afraid to leave or (ii) dealing with some other issue they aren’t communicating to you and are projecting that stress onto you as a human. You don’t deserve that.

In any event, please don’t stay with this person if they are unwilling to work on your relationship and their communication skills. It’s better for your child to have two happy, healthy, separate parents than it is for them to have one household of turmoil and eggshell walking. You deserve to be happy and authentic and at peace, as does your partner. If your two versions of peace are at odds and irreconcilable there’s no shame in walking.

CloakedZarrius −  No need to unpack this here, but the timelines are interesting and may give some hints: “Myself and my bf are together **14 years** and have a **2.5 year old** girl. We’ve been ***living together the past 2 years*** and he just informed me last night that when I do it it’s like someone grating his skin off”

Bonfire0fTheManatees −  It sounds like there’s a lot going on in your relationship right now and you’re attaching a lot of importance to this small thing. And also like he didn’t express himself in a very kind way at all. But it’s important to be able to accept your partner’s reactions to your behaviors as just that — reactions to individual behaviors — and not necessarily read them as larger judgments on you as a person.

And it’s not as simple as “if I do this behavior when I’m happy, my partner should accept it without question!” After all, if when you were happy you blasted an air horn, you probably wouldn’t be surprised if your partner said, “hey, that behavior causes me distress, can you please cut down on that?” Sometimes our reactions to behaviors are as simple as distress caused by the behavior itself.

Ultimately we have to accept that our partners can be different from us, or be distressed by our behaviors, and that does not diminish their love for us. I can really, really relate to this issue. My husband and I run into this sometimes, both ways. I’m AuDHD and suuuuuper chatty and hyper when I’m happy.

It always used to make me feel terrible that he would get o**rwhelmed by my hyperness. I love my hyper good-mood self, so shouldn’t he? But he needs a lot more decompression time than I do. I’m a golden retriever and he’s a cat. We love each other, but what feels like relaxed, happy play to me can feel like a stressful chase to him.

Part of love is taking the other person at their word about what their limits are, and not judging them or resenting them for having those limits. And that goes for both people.

It would make no sense for my husband to tell me, “You’re a very bad dog! Why don’t you try a little harder to be a cat like me!” and for me to secretly sit around stewing, “ughhh you’re so LAZY, if you really loved me, you’d be a golden retriever!” And yet that’s how so many of us think about each other.

Also sorry, this is a super long answer (because ADHD hyperfocussssssss) but in case y’all are both ND: Does he have sensory processing stuff? I have a lot of classic ASD noise-hating distress; intermittent clicking and tapping noises cause me very real physical pain.

My husband walks around randomly snapping and sometimes it gives me intense headaches. I’ve asked him in the past if he can please stop snapping, he’s politely said yes — and then I found out years later that he snaps his fingers when he’s in a good mood, and he was interpreting my request to mean that I didn’t want him to do happy behaviors around me. I had no idea! I thought it was a mindless habit and had no idea it was important to him.

To me, it was a simple physiological issue (“I have sensory issues, you snapping your fingers makes me feel like I’m getting hit with a hammer, you don’t need to snap your fingers, so the obvious solution is for you to stop”) and for him it was an issue of love and acceptance

(“I want to feel free and comfortable to express my emotions in ways that are natural to me, without having to constantly monitor my behaviors to account for your sensory issues”). Both of our wants/needs are totally valid.

Once we finally got on the same page, we realized that, like so many situations in a marriage, we both needed to accommodate each other. I know it bugs him when I ask him to stop, so I try to manage my own discomfort more by wearing headphones or earplugs, going in a different space, and proactively recognizing when I am getting overstimulated and need to take a beat.

And he does his part by actively building his own distress tolerance for my requests for sensory accommodation, asking me for reassurance when he is feeling worried or rejected, and practicing being honest in his responses when I make an accommodation request so he doesn’t push past his own limits and get resentful.

ehnej −  Nah f**k that. You’re allowed to express joy! And singing like that is FUN! I do it too lol. But after that long together I feel like he should have said something earlier if it’s so annoying to him, so maybe there’s more to it? If he’s stressed, haven’t slept enough etc etc anything can be annoying. And that does tend to happen when having a small kid.

fullmetalfeminist −  In fairness, that is an exceptionally annoying habit. I’d say, like most irritating habits couples have, he’s probably chosen to ignore it out of love, but at stressful times or when he’s not feeling great it’s harder for him to bite his tongue. You’ve only been *living together* for two years, so previously he didn’t have to put up with it 24/7. Can you maybe try not to do it so frequently?

MeNicolesta −  Let me offer you a perspective. My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 5 and we have a 2 year old. My husband has vocal stims, always has. I didn’t know what they were until I was becoming a therapist and learned that he was vocal stimming.

When we moved in together I noticed how much he did them even though we were dating for 11 years once we got married. But only then did I realize he did them a lot more than I thought. Then we had our daughter and then he started doing them even more.

But now tbh, they can p**s me off or turn me off on a bad day. Especially after a long day of taking care of our 2 year old who’s loud all day long, for her to go to bed and then I hear him all night long.

Do I love him for who he is? Of course. But is it annoying sometimes? Hell ya. Those things can and are true at the same time. Yes, people can love us the way we are, but we need to be realistic that sometimes couples can annoy one another. That’s life and it’s going to happen as you live it together.

When you do your little quip, you don’t know what’s happening inside for your bf. Maybe he had a bad day or had a headache and the yelling is a wrong place wrong time kind of thing. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t accept you for who you are at all. It just simply means you’re annoying him in that moment *and that’s okay.*

You live together and now there’s a baby there’s added noise in the house. It’s perfectly reasonable that he can get annoyed with overstimulation on his part. What’s not okay is if he tells you in a cruel way. But honestly, the way he told you was the way he should.

He asked you to nicely to stop and told you how it makes him feel (irritated). It probably killed your happiness in the moment, but again, we don’t know what was happening inside for him. Maybe he could’ve told you in a different moment but he didn’t.

Again, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or accept you. It means you’re 2. People living in close proximity of each other and you’re each allowed to have different tolerances of what happens in that space.

Next time he will do or say something that annoys you, and you should tell him nicely too. That’s what people do when they love each other. They say how they feel in a polite and respectful way.

Is it fair for a partner to criticize a habit tied to someone’s happiness, or should quirks be embraced in a long-term relationship? How do you keep the spark alive while navigating the challenges of parenthood and cohabitation? Share your thoughts and experiences below!