My [45M] Wife [42F] revealed she was unfaithful and I’m divorcing her. Our children [15F & 17M] hate me for it.
A Reddit user shared his heartbreaking story of how his marriage ended after 18 years due to his wife’s past infidelity. While he has decided to move forward with divorce for his own well-being, he faces the challenge of addressing his children’s resentment and helping them understand the situation. Read his story below to see how he’s navigating this delicate family dynamic.
‘ My [45M] Wife [42F] revealed she was unfaithful and I’m divorcing her. Our children [15F & 17M] hate me for it.’
My wife and I have been together for 18 years. We had our ups and downs but overall our marriage has been solid and she was my best friend. We’ve always been very close with our children and have raised them very much as a unit, and in turn they’re very close to us.
About two weeks ago I brought up an advice column in the paper I had read regarding infidelity and talked about it for a bit, and I could see she had clearly started to tear up and was attempting to hide it, so I asked her what was bothering her.
She confessed that about 7 years ago she cheated on me with a former coworker on a business trip, and then once with him after that before breaking it off due to guilt. This was around the time she left that job for a new one which she had told me back then was due to feeling like it wasn’t a good fit but now confesses was because she didn’t want to work with him anymore.
She says she never had a good reason for it, she knew it was wrong then but gave into the urge and nothing has ever happened since. Claims she confessed now as she can’t live with the guilt of hiding it from me. We talked about for the next three days when the kids were in school while trying our best not to let them know while they were home.
I realized I knew I’d never be able to let this go, nor would I be able to forgive her. She’s distraught. We sat our kids down to tell them about the fact our marriage was ending. Obviously this was extremely tough. They acted as one could expect and blame was thrown at both of us.
My wife and I agreed to tell them it was mutual, but I guess guilt got the better of her again because she ends up crying and telling them not to blame me, that she “betrayed my trust” in the past and just told me now, and that it’s all her fault. This had the opposite effect that she intended, and now both our kids absolutely resent me for not “forgiving mom” and ruining our family.
My wife has repeatedly tried to put blame back on herself, which only makes the kids double down and defend her more as if she’s the victim. I don’t want to drag their mother through the mud,
so I’m being trying to explain as tactfully as I can, but they’re gone as far as saying that when I get my own apartment they don’t want to see me anymore and refuse my suggestion of seeing a therapist together and reject the idea that I still plan to see them on a regular basis and be on good terms with their mother.
My wife isn’t helping matters as she’s been an emotional wreck since I’ve told her of my plan to leave. I love my kids, but I don’t know how to make them understand this without dragging their mother through the mud.
I don’t know how to assure them this has nothing to do with them or that I’m not trying to punish or hurt their mom. I just know that I cannot get past this, and for my own happiness I need to leave. Any suggestions on how to get them to stop seeing me as the villain would be helpful.
Edit: Guys, I appreciate the advice. But I’m not asking on how to get past the infidelity. I’ve made my decision, and it’s not something I’m willing to forgive. I’m looking for advice on how to handle this with my kids, and how to reassure them we can still be a family even if we aren’t married.
Tl;dr wife revealed past infidelity. I’m leaving. Kids hate me for it.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
OMGeebees − It’s such a tough situation because as kids being loved unconditionally by their parents and vise versa, it’s so hard for them to see that your love for their mother is actually conditional. It’s going to take a while for the sting to dissipate for everyone involved. Just stay level headed around them and ALWAYS reassure them of your love for them, even when you feel like they’re hating you.
Lilacsarebest − I’m sorry that you are faced with this. I know it is very painful right now, but I am sure your kids will get over their anger toward you. You sound like a father who is trying to handle this in the best way for the kids. They will see that eventually.
My sisters hated my mother when she left my father. Long story short – they have a great relationship with her now. And not with my father. All due to his actions throughout the divorce process. Keep handling this maturely and with the kids in mind and they will be fine.
Autistic_Avenger − Divorce is always tough brother. The kids may understand the older they get but you know that infidelity is just more than breaking up with a girl or boyfriend. You forge a life together and that life comes with certain unspoken expectations (fidelity being #1 with a bullet). You’re not wrong here.
SmyleGuy − I would think at 15 & 17 your kids are old enough for an honest explanation, it isn’t “mutual.” Mom cheated and hid that for years, explain to them you no longer trust her. Talk to them about self-respect with regards to staying with someone who cheated. Would they stay with a cheater? Sounds like your emotional wife is controlling the story, she has their sympathy. Be honest and clear “Mom cheated and you’re leaving her.”
Nomad2C − Your wife cheated and lied to you by omission. Now you are lying by omission to your kids. Seriously, They are old enough to be told the truth. Tell them the truth and then the ball is in their court. What ever their choice is it will be with all the facts.
systemfrown − For reasons I won’t get into here, I \*strongly\* recommend that you and your wife first get “seperated”, for at least a few months, before filing for and finalizing a divorce.
[Reddit User] − Kids come around. They always do and at this stage they are just trying to process things in their own way, as children are wont to do. They find the simplest solution and go with that. Everything is black and white, right or wrong – that’s the nature of being a kid.
Time is about the only thing you can rely on sadly, and the worst part is that its precious time that you’ll be missing from their lives whilst they go through the stages of processing this. My bet is that once you get your place and actually move out, they’ll slowly get used to the new dynamic of their parents not being together.
They know the reasons why and they’ll eventually see for themselves that sometimes, things can not be forgiven or “gotten over”, and this will make them stronger in themselves. The hard part is that their emotions are going to go through a massive pendulum swing, between hating you, then hating their mother, then back to hating you etc, etc.
With each swing of their emotional pendulum it will lessen and over time they will reach that equilibrium where they see you both for who you are – just their loving parents. So give it time, avoid bad mouthing each other and just explain it all as calmly and as matter of fact as you can.
Both tell them that this has nothing to do with your love for them, split the parenting and remain involved with each other when it comes to the kids, maintain some semblance of friendship with your soon to be ex-wife and you’ll find that over time it will settle down. Time is on your side in this, so use it wisely and keep maintaining that loving co-parenting atmosphere.. Good luck to you all.
Edit: If you are after some more information, hit up the r/divorce and the r/survivinginfidelity subs – there is lots of good info and folks who have dealt with what you are going through on there. Edit: Thx to the kind person for the gold. I’ll be sure to pay it on.
GoatEatingTroll − You can’t make your kids agree with you. Hell, most of us can say we can’t make our teenagers agree with us on anything.
* She had an affair 7 years ago, and she has had 7 years to get over it. This is old news to her now
* You had a wife lie to you about an affair 2 weeks ago, and have only had 2 weeks to deal with it. This is current and raw, and you are probably not ready to deal with it.
The two of you are in very different places. Luckily for you most jurisdictions require 6 or 12 months of separation before a no-fault divorce, and some even require marital counseling first. Even if you end up leaving, counseling should be the first stop just so the two of you can co-parent effectively.
Retlifon − They want things to be better. Your wife has no ability to make things better, because she can’t go back in time and not cheat. You do have the ability to make things better by forgiving her, and you’re not doing that. So in their eyes, the problem is *you*. I’m not saying that’s reasonable or that it’s fair, but it’s how they see it.
Srobo19 − Maybe try counseling with your wife to see if you can move past this?
Do you think the father’s decision to prioritize his happiness and well-being was the right one, or should he have handled the situation differently? How can he rebuild his relationship with his children while maintaining a respectful co-parenting dynamic? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!