My (41f) wife (40f) can’t seem to stop throwing away my and our daughter’s (3f) things and lying about it, and it has gotten to the point that I feel betrayed and can’t trust her anymore. How do I deal with this situation?

A Reddit user shared the emotional toll caused by her wife’s repeated behavior of throwing away important possessions, both for herself and their 3-year-old daughter, without discussing it first.

Despite clear communication, her wife continues to lie about it, leading to a growing sense of betrayal and a loss of trust. The user is struggling to move past this issue and regain the closeness they once had. Read the original story below.

‘ My (41f) wife (40f) can’t seem to stop throwing away my and our daughter’s (3f) things and lying about it, and it has gotten to the point that I feel betrayed and can’t trust her anymore. How do I deal with this situation? ‘

Ironically, username is a throwaway. My wife channels Marie Kondo and throws out things that she doesn’t like when she goes on her cleaning sprees. The problem is that she will throw out things that are important to me or would be used by our daughter (3f) if offered. Among other things, this is very frustrating because I have had to re-buy many things.

I discovered that she did this early in our relationship after a few too many things were disappearing. Since then, I have practically begged her to talk to me before throwing out things (like putting them in a box for me to go through or something like that). Instead, she will throw things away and lie to me that she did not throw “anything” away.

When I go through the trash and find all of the things she threw away, she will tell me she doesn’t think they mattered and so they didn’t count. Each time this happens, I’ve told her how badly this makes me feel, and how it feels disrespectful and controlling to make these decisions about our things without discussing it with me first.

This is something I’ve made very, very clear how much this upsets me to not have autonomy over my own possessions. She doesn’t do these purges terribly often – I’d say only a few times a year. I’m definitely messier than her and probably keep things that I don’t really need,

but I am team player (follow her lead about how she likes the house) and far from a hoarder (if she put things in a trash bag that she wanted to get rid of, I would acquiesce to throwing out most of it). We otherwise have a very good and close relationship, and I love her deeply.

Yesterday, she cleaned up the house, again promising that she “didn’t throw away anything.” For some reason, I believed her this time, and just so happened to notice bags of things she was throwing out when I was taking out the trash. It included toys that our daughter might like, but she is too young for.

It included something I made for our daughter that she loves, and is very important to me. She threw away disposable things that I would have had to buy again. She threw away some of my clothes that I wear regularly that she doesn’t like, but knows I don’t want to get rid of.

It took me a long time to dig through the trash and return these things to their spots. Internally, I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s not the stuff, it’s the trust. She knows how I feel about this, did it anyway, and covered it up by lying, *again*.

This is probably going to come across as melodramatic, but it feels like a betrayal and violation of the trust and faith I put in her almost equivalent to finding out she was cheating on me. Not that it is the same degree or equivalent, but I have similar feelings of violation and a loss of trust of the type that I’ve felt when I’ve been cheated on before (not with my wife).

Talking to my wife about this has not been effective at all. I am having difficulty getting over the perceived betrayal of my trust. I have no idea what to do to move past this and regain the trust and closeness that I feel was lost.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Hotmess56789 −  My mom used to do this. 25 years later and I’m still triggered, I couldn’t even read your whole post. Sadly this is just a symptom of a much bigger set of issues- your feelings are valid, and I am sorry this is happening.

Pixatron32 −  You need to get a family therapist involved in this dynamic. She thinks she is cleaning the house and feels better when she “purges”. I get it. But she needs to *hear you and your daughter’s preferences* which she is not hearing after multiple conversations. That calls for the professionals to provide a neutral, safe space to untangle this.

I’d recommend couples therapy and once you’ve figured out the underlying factors, you can include your daughter so she can process her loss and her betrayal as well. My mum used to throw out and give away my possessions as well and it’s awful. My partner is well aware of it and reminds me no one is going to throw away my books, my art, or my games.

I can’t explain how it feels having my partner support me in this. Please get this sorted, you say everything else in your family life is hunky dory. I hope this is just a mismatched ideal household cleanliness but on an extreme level. Personally, throwing out old toys when a child is going may be a necessary evil if you’re low on space, and you receive many gifts each year.

I think my nephew’s and nieces do and their mothers purge regularly giving away items to donation stores or friends or family. However, throwing out your regular clothing without checking with you, and lying about it is beyond messed up.. Goodluck

Positive-Plantain-66 −  My issue is the LYING. I would be able to tolerate it if she at least owned up to it, or like you said just threw everything in a separate garbage bag for you to go through – I get it, we all have different cleaning styles, but the lying is too much. Is she a compulsive l**r?

This sounds like a deeper issue and maybe she needs therapy to address why she feels okay to do any of this, especially the lying about something that is so ODD to lie about. You either threw something away or you didn’t, there is NO grey area, she doesn’t get to not “count” something.

DisneyBuckeye −  You have REPEATEDLY told your wife to stop, and given extensive explanations as to how and why her behavior bothers you. She is fully aware of this. And she continues to do it and lie to you about it. This is not a “perceived betrayal of your trust”, she is doing what you have repeatedly asked her not to do and lying to you about it.

The way I see it, you have a few choices here. 1. **Live with it.** This is who she is at this point – a l**r. She won’t stop unless you or someone gets through to her, which you’ve been unable to do.

2. **Do something about it.** Police her activities each time she does this, which you said is a few times a year. And undo everything in front of her face, calling her out each time. If she asks why you’re hovering and watching her like a hawk, “*You have lied to me one too many times about whether or not you’re throwing away my things, and I can’t trust you anymore.*”

* “*I told you I do not want to get rid of this shirt, stop throwing away my clothes.*” * “*I am putting these disposable gizmos back so that I don’t have to waste money to replace them.

You know damn well that I use them every day.*” * “*I am giving this toy back to our daughter because she loves it. I made this for her and she plays with it daily, what is your reasoning for throwing this away??*”

3. **Get her into a therapist immediately** to find out why she continues to do this. Others have suggested OCD, which may be her problem, but her complete disregard and disrespect of you and your wishes is not okay.

4. **Leave.** Yes, this is extreme. But trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. You can’t trust her. I mean hell, you can’t even trust her to say “Yes, I threw things away.” She lies to your face and then makes excuses. REPEATEDLY.

BriefHorror −  You don’t and can’t because she isn’t remorseful and will do it again. Think about how its going to make your kid feel when she can remember where stuff went at 14 crying on your shoulder again because mom threw out her favorite sentimental item.

Think about the longterm damage she’s going to turn your kid into a hoarder. Get a divorce FOR YOUR CHILD. You have a small level of culpability by not leaving this woman when she started doing this s**t before you had a kid.

Jen5872 −  “You’ve broken my trust by throwing out my things and lying about it for the last time. I should not have to pick through the trash to retrieve my or our daughter’s belongings all the time. You now have a choice to make. Marriage counselor or divorce lawyer.”

BigBlueHood −  I wouldn’t feel safe living with a person who purposefully steals and destroys my and my child’s things and lies about it. If jumping directly to divorce is too much, I’d insist on couple counseling and warned that if I find any of mine or daughter’s things missing, I’d go the divorce route. Mental health evaluation for her wouldn’t hurt too.

[Reddit User] −  This sounds like a mental health issue, to be honest. Like your wife needs to be evaluated for undiagnosed OCD. I’d strongly suggest getting her a mental health screening. If she refuses, insist on couples counseling. Perhaps a therapist can talk her into having one done.

RelationBig4907 −  Start throwing her stuff away

Single_Vacation427 −  I am team player (follow her lead about how she likes the house) and far from a hoarder (if she put things in a trash bag that she wanted to get rid of, I would acquiesce to throwing out most of it). We otherwise have a very good and close relationship, and I love her deeply.

I don’t think being a team player is doing all that she says and agreeing. A team player is someone who works together and does compromise. But at the same time she has to work with you and compromise as well. Is she a team player? Doesn’t sound like it.

She sounds like she thinks she runs the house. One thing is to throw away trash, but if she is throwing stuff you actually have to buy again, it’s not trash. She is filling trash sites with stuff that’s not even trash and adding to the pollution of s**t. She is not even donating stuff.

You are too focused on you follow your wife’s wants and needs, but she doesn’t care for yours. Maybe you need to be harsher in how you frame stuff. I would also go around and lock stuff you don’t want her to throw away.

How would you handle the delicate balance between maintaining a relationship and respecting boundaries when it feels like trust is being eroded over repeated actions? Can this issue be resolved through better communication, or is there a deeper issue that needs addressing? Share your thoughts below!