My 40F boyfriend’s 43M mom does not want me over for Christmas. I don’t want him to go. How can I explain to him how important this is to me?

A 40-year-old woman is in a relationship with a 43-year-old man who is still dealing with a complicated divorce from an abusive ex. However, the bigger issue lies with his mother, who refuses to invite her to family events, including Christmas, due to the unfinished divorce proceedings.

The woman feels hurt by this exclusion and is considering asking her boyfriend not to attend family gatherings if she’s excluded. Read the full story below.

‘ My 40F boyfriend’s 43M mom does not want me over for Christmas. I don’t want him to go. How can I explain to him how important this is to me?’

I (F40) and my bf (M43) have been dating for a few years. His divorce is not final as his ex refuses to sign any paperwork, and his birfurcation has been delayed several times. That said, they have been separated for over 5 years. My bf has the 4 kids full time. The ex is a horrific and a**sive n**cissist.

The issue is his mom, “Susan” (we are all part of a religious community), does not want me to come to family events as his divorce is not final. Susan only recently stopped inviting the ex to holiday events after her son explained for the 100th time how a**sive she is and how disruptive she is to all events.

Susan has witnessed this many times and had many bad experiences. This was an absolute nightmare last Thanksgiving. I ended up spending the holiday alone as my bf had to console his 4 kids who were stood up by their mom. He took the kids to his parents, and I was not invited.

This is so awkward as I live less than 2 miles away and attend the same church. Otherwise, I get along well with Susan and his kids. They get along well with me. It is SO strange to be unwelcome to family events.

Now Christmas is coming, and I don’t want to be alone or left guessing what my plans are. If his mother insists on excluding me and my two young daughters from events, I don’t want my bf to go. I want him to show his mom that her exclusion is incredibly hurtful and makes me feel like the scarlet letter.

I do understand that she can choose who comes to her home, but I just want my bf to back me up. I make no demands on what his kids choose to do. They are old enough to make their own choices and have nothing to do with my relationship.

He insists his mom “doesn’t think that” and this all will stop when his divorce is final, but Susan won’t budge, and he doesn’t want to cut her off and stop going to events. He says I’m making this a bigger deal than it is, and it’s an overreaction to ask him to stop going to family events.

I’m seriously considering breaking up over this. There are a lot of moving parts. I want to make this relationship work, but this situation is degrading and needs to change. Is it fair for me to ask him to stop going? Any advice or perspective is welcome. I feel like I’m crazy for wanting to be treated like a human.

See what others had to share with OP:

nutmegtell −  You’re both too old for this s**t.

nurseasaurus −  He’s a grown man and can stand up for himself and for you – if he doesn’t, there’s your answer. You deserve to be treated with respect; a 40 year old man should be able to stand up to his mommy. Do you have friends or family you could spend the holidays with? Or take a nice trip somewhere? I think you deserve better!!

crankysoutherner −  If your boyfriend of several years leaves you alone again on a major holiday, that is definitely breakup worthy. While his issues with his mother aren’t your problem to solve,

you need to let him know that your relationship will not survive him leaving you and your daughters to celebrate Christmas alone. Don’t just spring the breakup on him. Let him know the consequences ahead of time.

bippityboppitynope −  She doesn’t have to sign, he can file asking it be done without her. He can also stand up to his mother. He has done neither, quit wasting your time.

nightsofthesunkissed −  So his ex-wife still rules the roost and fucks up your Christmas and your bf and his mother just let her.. Yeah I’d be livid.

Environmental-Age502 −  You’re 4 years into this relationship, and he still won’t stand up for you. This is definitely break-up worthy.

abitsheeepish −  He’s choosing his mother over you over and over again. That’s not sustainable in a long-term relationship, it breeds bitterness and contempt. If he can’t learn to put you first then he’s not marriage material.

FragrantOpportunity3 −  Gotta love those fake Christians. They go to church every Sunday and treat people like s**t the other 6 days of the week.

_Jahar_ −  Dude – you are 40. You are old enough to figure out what is going on. Step away and free yourself of this hot mess. Like come on.

Forward-Two3846 −  OP, your young DAUGHTERS have been watching you allow this man to disrespect you over and over again for years. Take that in, this is the relationship that you are modeling for your young impressionable daughters.

You are showing them that it is okay to be disrespected for “love”. This man does not like you. He does not love you if he did he would never allow anyone to disrespect you the way his mother is doing. Break-up with him and have a fabulous christmas with you and your two darlings and start the new year fresh sans the mama’s boy. 

It’s understandable to want your partner’s support in navigating such a painful situation. But how can this delicate balance between family loyalty and relationship respect be addressed? What would you do if you felt excluded and misunderstood in a similar scenario? Share your thoughts below!