My (36m) wife (38f) will not let me take a nap. She always wakes me up or does her best to prevent me from falling asleep. What can I do to understand?

A hardworking husband seeking rest through occasional naps struggles with his wife’s persistent interference, which has been ongoing for their 11-year marriage.

Despite multiple conversations, she cannot explain her behavior, leaving him feeling disrespected and unappreciated. He seeks advice on understanding her unmet needs and advocating for his own.

‘ My (36m) wife (38f) will not let me take a nap. She always wakes me up or does her best to prevent me from falling asleep. What can I do to understand?’

I work for an agricultural company where my weekly hours fluctuate between 60 and 120. While also working on getting a degree. My amazing bride is a home maker by choice. All of this is okay.

My issue comes from on occasion I am exhausted and will start to fall asleep or will purposefully go try to take a nap. Our entire marriage (11 years) she has woke me up or flat refused to let me fall asleep. I have tried talking to her numerous times and she is unable to articulate what the issue is.

Today I got off early after 10 straight 16 hour days. Took her on a lunch date then came home and decided to take a quick nap before working on school. With in minutes of laying down she has come into the room and has begun shaking me, turning on lights, and other obnoxious behavior.

How can I articulate to her my need for an occasional nap and how can I get her to articulate what her apparent un meet needs are so I do not go insane. Because it is at a point where I am feeling disrespected and unappreciated.

Edit: Thank all of you so much for the responses. I have tried to read all of them and reply. Was truly not expecting this kind of response over what I thought was a me not communicating clearly problem. It is clear that there is more at play here and I will be working with my therapist to develop two plans.

One (much to many’s dismay) to try and work with my bride one last time to address and fix the underlying issue and two a way out for if plan one fails.
Again thank you all for the kind words, the pointed yet truthful words, and even for some of the more extreme suggestions. There truly are great people left on the planet.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Sufficient_Soil5651 −  Sleep depreviation is a kind of torture. Quite frankly I’m amazed that you haven’t snapped and said something very cutting. I turn into a grumpy bear when I don’t get enough sleep and she’s acting like a toddler. 

Enough_Insect4823 −  Start shaking her awake at 1 am for no reason

Nodak1954 −  Tell her to flat out leave you alone to nap when you need it or you’re thinking of separation as a way of solving her problem of not letting you sleep. It’s been eleven years so this not something innocent she is doing this on purpose. It’s disrespectful and very annoying, you’ve put up with it for eleven years what’s your next move?

Schmile13 −  Is your wife a cat?

mare1679 −  I can’t imagine doing this to someone working that many hours let alone someone I love. You need to have a heart to heart or go to counseling.

coffeegrindz −  It’s a control thing buddy. No one sleeps unless she sleeps, if she is awake then you must be too.

KrKrKr004 −  Your wife is being a disrespectful b**t. How do you consider that behavior from an ‘amazing’ person? For eleven years, she has refused to have an adult conversation with you and articulate why she refuses to stop. Why are you still with her?

Toddlers do this when they don’t get enough attention from their mommy and daddies. It’s not up to you to understand. *It’s up to her to explain.* Is there somewhere in the house where you can lock the door, put some earplugs in,

and leave a note on the door that says ‘unless you can use your grown up words to explain why you’ve been disrespecting me and my health for eleven years, **leave me alone.**’ Can you set up a cot at work to use to get whatever naps you need?

They obviously won’t solve the problem of a disrespectful ass for a partner, but until she sees that she’s a disrespect ass, your health is more important than catering to her ‘needs’. She sounds exhausting.

Fluffybunz746 −  Hey OP, not allowing your partner to sleep is a**sive. Just wanted to throw it out there.

Foreign-Onion-3112 −  💯% what she is doing is abuse. She is abusing you. You are an abuse victim. Sleep deprivation is a common tactic for interrogation/torturing prisoners of war for good reason.

It would not surprise me if you take a hard, honest look at your wife and suddenly see other narcissistic behaviors. Keep your promise and stay with your a**sive wife; or leave and give yourself the compassion, dignity, and safety you deserve.

pl487 −  The issue is that other people sleeping while they are awake is a classic trigger for people with narcissistic personalities.