My (29F) Wife has lost alot of weight,…. How do I (31M) make sure she is ok?
A concerned husband notices significant changes in his wife’s weight and physical strength after her lifestyle shift to healthier habits. Despite her assurances that she feels great, her dramatic transformation has raised alarms for him. He seeks advice on how to address his concerns without causing defensiveness or tension. Read his story below.
‘ My (29F) Wife has lost alot of weight,…. How do I (31M) make sure she is ok?’
So my wife has always been pretty average size 5’7” 130 lbs-ish. I don’t know 100% because we just don’t talk about it, but has mentioned in the past. I do know when I buy her clothes, and I ask…. she always said she was a size 6 …if that helps. She was also always pretty strong, does massage therapy and was really good at deep tissue. I mean, there are times when she has worked on me and it hurt, and Im not a small guy
About 6 months ago, she started changing things. Not really eating junk food, and she joined some classes at the ymca…..yoga and some cardio. Since then, the weight has really fallen off her. I don’t know exactly how much because the few times Ive asked her, she has said, “I dont know because I dont care to weigh myself” so I just drop it.
But if I had to guess, I think she has lost at least 20-25 lbs if not more. She seems healthy in terms of energy and her skin has really cleared up, but I have noticed some other things. I was doing laundry, which I do a lot, and her jeans are now only size 0-2.
Doing massage, she has to do her own sheets, and the other day, I heard her really struggling to carry the bag of laundry up the stairs. Yes, its a big bag, but never have I noticed that and we’ve been together for years. ……… I asked her if “you ok with that?” And she just said she needs a strong man to help her out and started flirting and getting intimate with me. (Is she changing the subject?)
Which leads me to my next point. Without too much info, she looks completely different without clothes. She had some curves etc before but now shes pretty much a figure like a ballerina…..and she says she feels great, but I recently picked her up during the act and it was literally like nothing.
Another big thing I noticed was she worked on me again for massage last week, and all of the deep pressure she had before, was gone and I could tell she was really struggling. But if I bring it up she gets defensive and tells me she feels better than ever and I should be happy for her, which I am. I just worry and dont know what to do
The final straw here was our dog, who likes to walk underneath our legs all the time and nudge her head up, and has done so since she was a puppy, literally lifted my wife off the ground last night. My wife laughed about it like it was funny, but I was alarmed. Our dog is part mastiff (we think) and about 85-90 lbs……but still, that has never happened before.
I just don’t t know how to approach her. Every time I have, she shuts it down. I know she still gets her period and she does eat with me, just no junk food. Shes never eaten big portions and those haven’t changed but the snacks afterwards are only me now. I cant blame someone for wanting to be healthy but I just want to make sure shes okay.
EDIT – We talked this weekend and I took your advice and came a place of concern and it definitely helped. I was pretty close on the weight loss, she is actually a little less than I thought…….but the important thing is she agreed to go get checked out…..and since I always skip my checkups, I agreed to get one too. So a big step for both of us
TL;DR! Wife lost weight, am I overreacting? She says she feels great but Ive noticed she’s lost quite a bit and am concerned. How do I talk to her.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
rulerofdumplings − Have you sat her down, told her you are worried for her health, and really want her to open up, and also please go to the doctor for a checkup with big blood work? Ask her about what her motivation is (if she had a health scare to make her cut the junk, perhaps she secretly would want you to eat healthier, too?
You can try to offer that you also go get a checkup and bloodwork done (probably never hurts). If she completely shuts you out, try mentioning that you are worried to her best friend…
mesosalpinx − I might have a biased outlook because I’m a doctor who treats eating disorders…. but there’s not a lot of other explanations for what’s going on here. Rapid weight loss of 25 lbs is a decrease in BMI from 20.4 to 16.4, which is significantly underweight.
Most people who start off an average size and rapidly lost significant weight within a few months for unknown reasons (such as IBD, thyroid disease, cancer) would be concerned and seeking to identify the problem, not buying size zero jeans.
The things that stand out and make me think this is more likely an eating disorder are 1) the lack of recognition of the severity of her weight loss and 2) persistent behavior to continue the weight loss/prevent weight regain.
Remember that not all eating disorders center around body image; many people are caught up in anxiety about unhealthy/bad/too much food, which leads to extreme adoption of clean eating/overexercise/food avoidance combined with strong cognitive resistance to regaining the weight.
I’d recommend expressing your concerns and asking if you can go to the doctor together to help get an answer for what’s causing the the weight loss. If there are no organic illness symptoms or lab findings suggesting an illness-related cause for the loss, then this is behavioral. If she refuses to go to the doctor and/or denies the weight loss is a problem at all, you have your answer.
[Reddit User] − I don’t think there’s really any way for us to know from the reddit perspective. However, if you’re concerned, then I think you should trust that. While 25 pounds in 6 months doesn’t sound like a lot, 3-4 sizes does. Especially for someone as tall as her.
Do you know why she started doing this? Calorie restriction can lead to bone and muscle loss in women, as you’ve noticed. That’s not something to ignore. Perhaps she’ll agree to going to the doctor and making sure everything is OK.
decapentaplegical − Since she’s being mindful of her nutrition and fitness, I would encourage her to see her doctor for a routine visit and blood work to make sure it’s not a thyroid (or other) issue.
SMTRodent − I wouldn’t mention weight specifically. I would say “I’ve noticed that you can’t manage things you used to be able to and I’m concerned about that.” All of those strength-based things you mentioned. Then press for a check-up.
FSmertz − Have her get her thyroid checked. Hyperthyroid (often associated with Graves Disease) puts people in 6th gear, quick weight loss, often increased s** drive, an intense edge to their personality that was never prior.
Annikaconda − Someone who is 5’7” and a size 0/2 is almost certainly underweight. Being underweight doesn’t necessarily mean someone is unhealthy or has an eating disorder, but the fact that she also seems weaker to me indicates that this is not healthy and she should probably get some professional help.
I’d see if she’s open to seeing a doctor & nutritionist. When I was struggling with EDs back in my college years, I finally went to a nutritionist at the direction of my doctor and she was very helpful for me to begin my recovery. Sometimes we think that eating the least we can and being as small as we can = healthy. That’s not true, but sometimes people won’t listen unless a professional tells them that.
ZoHaaan- − My opinion as someone in medicine would be to just sit her down and voice your concerns to her and come at it from a physical/mental health standpoint. It’s hard to say over Reddit for sure! One thing to worry about if you guys are over your 50s is osteoporosis/osteopenia if she isn’t eating enough to get her nutrients in.
As someone else said, thyroid could be out of whack, but if she’s trying to lose this weight, then that’s less likely. Make sure she’s getting all of her annual cancer screenings as well to rule out any of the big bad scary stuff as a cause for her weight loss, too!
A primary concern I would have based on all this would be a restrictive eating disorder or purging disorder, probably more restrictive based on what you have to say. She seems to not really recognize her degree of weight loss, and this has happened rather suddenly. If my math is right, her BMI has dropped quite a bit and is under 17, which is concerning enough to warrant some laboratory work I would say.
I would definitely encourage a visit to your doc about these things, get some labs to rule out any physiologic causes… but most likely this is a behavioral pattern based on what you have said.
sportscat − I think you should sit her down and talk to her about it, but NOT right after something happens (like the incidents you mentioned). Just at a good time to talk so no one will be defensive, if that makes sense. Let her know gently that you are a little concerned.
NLSSMC − I think it would be totally reasonable to bring up that you’re worried about her lack of strength. Just be plain spoken and honest, your concerns are valid. Also, be prepared for her reacting negatively in the moment but give her time to process what you’ve said.
I think you should at some point suggests she sees her GP to check on her progress though. That way you will have a third neutral party in the mix.. —- As someone who has had eating issues and has many friends with EDs, you can generally trust your instincts when it comes to things like this. If you’re worried, you should trust your instincts.
It doesn’t mean it’s a big thing, I’m not saying she has an eating disorder. It’s easy to get swept along in a new lifestyle and to go slightly overboard. Eating less and weight loss can very addictive, believe it or not, and our society is very quick to reward those kinds of behaviors.
You’re getting validation from every corner that it’s GOOD to eat less and to lose weight. But real life is not as simple as that. Some people need to lose weight, others don’t. If you start to lose strength and energy, you need to look over your habits to ensure you’re not going too far in the other direction. Good luck! You seem like a sensitive and considerate partner.
Health transformations can be inspiring but sometimes signal underlying issues. What advice would you give to help him navigate this conversation with care? Have you or someone you know experienced a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences below.