My (29F) ex boyfriend (32M) moved out with his daughter (6F). I am devastated and don’t know what to do

A Reddit user shared their heartbreaking experience of breaking up with their boyfriend of five years, who is also the single father of a 6-year-old girl. During their relationship, the user formed a deep bond with the child, having helped raise her since she was one.

Now, as the relationship ends, the user is devastated by the prospect of losing the child they’ve come to see as their own. Although the ex-boyfriend expressed a desire for them to remain in the child’s life, the user fears the uncertainty of their role moving forward. To learn more about their situation and the advice offered by others, read the full story below.

‘ My (29F) ex boyfriend (32M) moved out with his daughter (6F). I am devastated and don’t know what to do.’

I met my ex 5 years ago when I was about to be 24 and he was 27. He was the single father to a one year old daughter (Sarah). The mother of his child had passed away when she was only 3 months old. I was only 24 and weary about getting involved with a man with a kid but he we really clicked.

As he was his daughters primary caregiver I met her pretty early on in our relationship. I never knew if I even wanted to have children but Sarah really changed things for me. We eventually moved in together and I have been helping raise Sarah since. My ex worked a lot, and I was still a student, so Sarah and I spent a lot of time together when she was young.

Once I graduated I was able to work remotely, so when Sarah is not in school I am typically the one taking care of her. We are incredibly close. Unfortunately things began going south with my ex about 6 months ago. His work schedule is really hard on me and I struggled with the amount of time we were able to see each, I know that sounds selfish.

I think my nagging became to much for him and over the course of six months it feels like I really pushed him away. Over the weekend he sat me down and told me that he is not in love with me anymore and he doesn’t think he can continue our relationship. That is a whole other issue that I am dealing with.

I mean we live together and raise a child together and now everything is flipped upside down. As upset as I am about this break up, my main concern is Sarah. I truly do consider her my child. I mean I have been the closest thing to her mother for the last five years, she doesn’t know anything but me. My heart physically hurts.

I asked my ex what would happen with her, and said that he hopes I would still be part of her life, and of course I want that! I just don’t know how to even go about it. How do you coparent with your ex when you’re not technically a parent? I guess my biggest concern is him moving away with her and me not having any rights,

or him getting a new girlfriend and deciding its easier without his ex being so close with his daughter? I am just stressed to the max right now Reddit, I have to find a place to live and basically restructure my entire life but all I can think about is being able to be in this little girls life forever. Is there anyway I can make that happen? Sorry for all the rambling, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Oneforthegold −  You don’t have any legal rights to her. The only way to get them is if your ex agrees to let you adopt her. At this point I’d guess that’s not on the table. Please realize – as heartbreaking as it is – chances are there will come a time when you will be pushed to the back burner. There is little you can do about this.

I think certainly trying to stay in her life is good. And if you see the writing on the wall – for her sake – do what you can to ease your way out instead of disappearing. Do you think your ex would be amiable to going to family l counseling to get a professional opinion on how to structure this? As a true life story – my kids bonded with their dads second wife quite a bit – she was in their lives from 2-5.

She left one day and never contacted them again. To this day (5 years later) they still bring her up and are clearly hurt. This is with two involved parents in place. My heart breaks for you and your little girl.

[Reddit User] −  So my cousin was in this situation some time ago. She basically was raising her boyfriends 2 kids because he was a s**tty parent. They were together for years but she finally got sick of him and left. She felt bad about the kids though because they called her mom and loved her.

She tried to call them and take them out when she could so that they could keep in contact. Now she is married and has her own kids, but is still important to these kids (now adults) One of the girls just had baby and my cousin was the person she called when she had questions about her pregnancy and my cousin was there when her kid was born.

You won’t be able to be her mom because you aren’t her mom. You should still be there for her like an aunt or a close family friend. Hopefully she understands you care and wants to keep in touch with you.

lilaclemons −  These questions can only be answered by the child’s father. Once you’ve had time to calm down and deal with your life change, meet with him in person. Get coffee or something with him and talk about what he’d be okay with involving Sarah. This will be your opportunity to ask any and all questions. Consider bringing up legal adoption even if you want. This would be the best time to figure it all out.

PM_TITS_OR_DONT −  I understand your fear. He says he “hopes” you would still be part of her life, but you have no idea what that means. And frankly, it’s easy to say. I think you’re going to have to go through a big transition here. It’s important for him and Sarah to establish a new life and a new routine, and it’ll be confusing for Sarah if things change too frequently.

I kinda doubt that your ex will agree to let Sarah stay with you every other weekend or something. Probably you’ll be more like a friend who will ask to hang out with Sarah and he will say yes or no. I think if your ex is hesitant about that level of relationship you should probably tell him that if he doesn’t want you to have a relationship with Sarah you can’t make him,

and if he wants you out of his life completely maybe it’s best to make a clean break, as much as you would hate that. On the other hand, if you and your ex are talking about you having a much bigger role than that, I think you should ask for some kind of rights to go with it. Ask that you be allowed to legally become Sarah’s mother by adopting her.

Alabastardly −  said that he hopes I would still be part of her life, and of course I want that! I just don’t know how to even go about it. He wants to break up with you but still have you mother his child. Your concerns about him getting a new GF are valid. I can’t imagine anyone would be happy dating a single father whose ex was acting as mother for a girl who isn’t hers.

My advice:if he wants you out, get out. Leave him, completely, and unfortunately Sarah won’t be happy about it. She’s a child, and she doesn’t get to decide. Her dad decided for her.

Tablefornine −  I have two stepsons from a previous marriage. I loved them dearly, like my own children, and I went through what you’re going through now. It was horrifically painful and my heart goes out to you. I’d try to stay in her life where you can, but be prepared for a fade off when he moves on. Ten years have passed and my stepsons are adult and almost adult now. I send them birthday and Christmas cards every year and we are facebook friends but that’s all now.

Kramerintheshower88 −  If the guy is willing, yes, you can still be in the little girl’s life forever. This is going to be up to him. You can talk it through with him, but you should take care of your living arrangements first. BTW, it’s “wary.” “Weary” means “tired.”