My (26M) girlfriend (27F) thinks she has body dysmorphia… she’s just overweight. I don’t know what to do

A Redditor shared their struggles with their girlfriend, who believes she has body dysmorphia but is, in fact, just overweight. Despite being in a loving relationship where the Redditor accepts her as she is, the girlfriend increasingly uses her self-diagnosis as an excuse for her behaviors, such as poor eating habits and avoiding self-care. She’s part of an online support group and frequently compares herself to others in a way that doesn’t match reality. The user feels uncertain about how to help her and is considering counseling but faces obstacles due to lack of insurance. Read the full story below…

‘ My (26M) girlfriend (27F) thinks she has body dysmorphia… she’s just overweight. I don’t know what to do’

Been with Stephanie (name changed for privacy) for a little over 3 years. More or less relationship is good, she tends to be way overdramatic when we fight (which isn’t often) but I can usually talk her down and things work out.

When Stephanie and I first started dating she mentioned a few times in kind of a mysterious (I thought it was attention-seeking, still do) way that she had some kind of mental illness or mental health struggle. Eventually (probably two or three months in) she came out and told me in a really serious conversation that she has body dysmorphia and thinks she’s obese and hates herself for it.

Now let me be clear, I love her the way she is, wouldn’t change a thing, I don’t mind her weight whatsoever. But even when she said it initially, I almost thought it was a joke. Stephanie is obese. I’m not good at guessing weight and she’s never told me her weight, but I know she’s 5’4 and a size 22 in pants (US). She’s by all standards obese. I don’t mind it at all. I’m attracted to her, I think she’s beautiful, I would never ask her to change a thing.

It didn’t come up again for a while but last fall she took a psychology course for her college degree and they talked about mental illness and it came back up. She came in one night almost happy? in a weird way, saying that she understands everything that’s wrong with her because they talked about BD in class and it all makes sense. She has never been diagnosed by a medical professional and can’t see a doctor for lack of health insurance.

Ever since then, she talks about it a lot. I’m not one to poke at people just to poke, so I just let it be. But she talks about it all the time. She blames arguments we have on her BD. She uses it as an excuse to eat poorly and not take care of herself, because she is straight up convinced that she is smaller than she is and that the person she sees in the mirror is a dysmorphic situation.

She is part of an online BD support group and talks openly to me about how she’s met people who finally understand her, and she gives them advice and guidance based on her “struggle” with BD. She’s pointed to actresses like Mindy Kalling and compared the actress’s body to her “actual” body (vs. BD body) and says it’s nice to see herself represented on screen. No offense intended to my girlfriend, but that’s not her body type. She is much bigger than that.

I’m getting to the point where I don’t know what to do. She uses it as an excuse for all her behavior. I honestly don’t know if she truly thinks she has BD or if she just uses it to justify herself. When we first moved in together, she would cover all the sizes on the tags of her clothes with Sharpie so I wouldn’t see them. She’s since stopped doing that (or only does it when she remembers), but it made me think she might be aware of her size and just tries to pretend she has BD so no one can talk to her about it.

I know this is a weird situation. I’d like to get her or us into counseling but she doesn’t have insurance and goes to a community college that doesn’t offer student mental health services. I’m not sure what to do. TL;DR Girlfriend uses body dysmorphia as an excuse for everything, but she’s not dysmorphic, she’s just overweight.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

LifelongNoob −  So what you’re saying is that she really DOES have body dysmorphic disorder, she’s just got the direction wrong (she’s bigger than she thinks instead of smaller). Yeah, this one really sounds like something you want to hand off to a professional, unless you want to be the dude who breaks it to her. Try looking up low-cost mental health services. You can often find a therapist who will work something out for you even without insurance.

The good news is that you have your answer for every single time she brings this up:. Her: “I’m struggling with BD.” You: “Yes. A professional can help you deal with that.” Don’t get sucked into conversations or arguments about it. Professional help is what she needs. Don’t feed her delusion further.

RuhWalde −  You could send her to MyBodyGallery.com. It’s a website where you can put in your height and weight (or pants size) and see other people who are the same size as you. It’s really good for getting a reality check on what size body you actually have. There’s a good chance she’s already heard of it though and possibly ignored whatever it showed her.

big_foam_shocker −  If you are just overweight, then the remedy is to get moving and get healthy, but if you have “body dysmorphic disorder” then “it’s my disorder that I have, I can’t do anything. I wish I could be healthy except is just this terrible disorder” and then you don’t have to do anything. It’s a way to shirk the responsibility. I’m not knocking her, I can recognize that behavioir because I did the same thing with drugs and alcohol.

NDaveT −  If she’s in college, they might have a health center where she can see a doctor for a reduced fee. And then the doctor can tell her she’s obese and what the health risks are of that.

Beautiful_Tuna −  Kinda sounds like she is dysmorphic, but not in the way she wants to think she is.. Yikes.

jeneffy −  Is she unaware of her clothing size or weight? I always feel larger than I am, but because of my clothing size and weight I know that I’m nowhere near fat. Surely knowing she’s a size 22 should be enough for her to realise how big she is?

Celera314 −  Regardless of whether she has or does not have body dysmorphia, or any other aspects of her weight or health — this is not an excuse for anything else. When you get in an argument about, let’s say, who is supposed to do laundry, “I have body dysmorphia” is not a valid or relevant contribution to that discussion. There’s good advice here about her getting some help, but in the meantime, don’t let that turn into a way for her to manipulate you. Mental illness of any kind doesn’t give someone a free pass to dictate all the terms in a relationship.

SuperBeeboo −  At this stage I’d just tell her, there’s no point being subtle about it, just say you find her beautiful etc. like you did here but tell it straight.

itsgotcharacter −  If she is actually obese, she doesn’t even need to go to any specialized doctor. ANY general practitioner worth their salt is able to say, “Yup, you’re obese and need a diet change.” Source: Was obese, changed diet on doctor recommendation.

OysterPuke −  If she took a psychological disorders course and learned about BD, she would know that she must seek professional help to get better. Encourage her to do this, it’s the most you can do and this is above your pay-grade. If she DOES have BD, it doesn’t get better by making excuses, she needs to take accountability to improve now.