My [26F] boyfriend’s [25M] friends [20s Ms] keep telling him to break up with me while I’m grieving my mother’s d**th.

A Reddit user shared their struggles with their boyfriend Andrew, who has a fear of commitment that has surfaced during difficult times. After the user’s mother passed away, Andrew confided that his friends, Max, Dave, and Jack, had raised concerns about their relationship, including hurtful comments about the user’s character.

The user is frustrated because Andrew values his friends’ opinions more than setting boundaries with them, especially at a sensitive time. The user seeks advice on how to express their hurt without causing conflict.

‘ My [26F] boyfriend’s [25M] friends [20s Ms] keep telling him to break up with me while I’m grieving my mother’s d**th.’

My boyfriend Andrew and I have been together for over a year, and we have a great relationship built on communication and trust. He’s often expressed how easy it is to talk to me, and we share everything, both good and bad. One recurring issue, however, is his fear of commitment, which has affected his past relationships.

When doubts about our relationship arise, we usually talk it out, and he comes to realize that it’s his anxiety causing the doubts. Andrew also seeks advice from his close friends, Max, Dave, and Jack, who share his interest in Buddhism and mindfulness. They’ve helped him in the past, but last week things took a turn.

My mom passed away, and Andrew was there for me the whole time. The day before the funeral, he confided in me that Jack had raised doubts about our compatibility, which were echoed by Max and Dave, along with hurtful comments about my character. Max, who has only met me once, said that Andrew was settling for me and that I lacked depth.

During the funeral, Andrew was torn between supporting me and breaking up, as he thought some of his friends’ concerns aligned with his own doubts. I pointed out that they only hear about the negative aspects of our relationship, and he ultimately decided to stay with me, sharing that decision with his friends.

However, Max continued to argue against our relationship, which made me feel like their criticism was rooted in my inability to connect with their worldview. I’m logical and straightforward, while they have a more esoteric way of communicating, and it feels like I’m being judged for being different.

Andrew agrees to some extent but still values his friends’ opinions. He’s hesitant to confront Max, who is stubborn and won’t back down. I feel frustrated because Andrew is accepting these unfair criticisms of me, especially just days after my mom’s funeral, and is unwilling to set boundaries with his friends.

I want to express how hurtful this is without making him feel caught between me and his friends. How can I address this without escalating the situation?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

[Reddit User] −  Hon, I am so sorry about your mom, but Andrew is telling you loud and clear he is not invested in you, he won’t commit, and he wants to break up.
You don’t argue someone into staying with you. You can’t logic someone into committing to you. He’s already gone; you just need to let go.. Very sorry for your loss.

squadparty −  He also doesn’t want to argue with Max about the way he’s treated me because Max is apparently very stubborn and won’t back down in an argument; he thinks it’s easier to just let him say what he wants to say. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough. You just lost your *mom*.

You are going through a very difficult time and this is when your boyfriend chooses to tell you his friends don’t like you… sorry, that you’re *ordinary*, while Andrew… what? Farts heavenly clouds from nirvana? Your boyfriend and his friends, especially Max, sound like twits.

If they were truly into being mindful and Buddhist, they wouldn’t be trashing their friend’s girlfriend the day she lost her mother. It is fine for him to not feel you are compatible. It is fine for his friends to not think you are compatible. It is fine for them to tell him this. It is fine for him to break up with you.

It is not fine for him to d**p this dumb, childish ‘my friends don’t like you’ s**t on you while you are going through a very, very hard and emotional time.

BalancetheMirror −  Oh, FFS. D**p this i**ot with his poor fee fees about commitment. Let Andrew and his three girlfriends circle j**k themselves into a tizzy being all “esoteric.” They sound very r/iamverysmart. Focus on you. You have suffered a huge loss, and I’m so sorry. Take care of you. If meditation will help, great.

If ice cream will help, great. If rage crying into a pillow and burning Andrew in effigy will help, great. I recommend some grief counseling as well. But take this dude off your plate. Making you go through this DURING the FUNERAL?? Fuuuu, I *hate* this “enlightened” dude. Mindful, my a@@. I wish I could make all this hurt less.

[Reddit User] −  First of all, i am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through now. Please focus on yourself and not your self centered bf.
I cannot believe your bf is making ur mothers d**th about him and his commitment issues!! Couldnt he put this aside for awhile?

I dont care how amazing a person his friends think he is…he doesnt deserve to be focusing on his own needs now. Everything he is saying through his friends is incredibly hurtful. This is the last thing you should be worrying about now.

If he is telling you this stuff and not defending you then he obviously agrees with what they are saying but doesnt want to hurt your feelings. Honestly though it shouldnt be a battle to keep your bf commited. The first year is the honey moon period and is awesome. Things should be easy now…it will only get harder.

I think you deserve waaay better. When you are ready please consider leaving him. Find someone who is certain they want to stay with u and not someone who thinks they are superior because they practice mindfulness…smh

Nopenopenottelling −  He doesn’t find it strange at all that he has commitment issues, he’s broken up with other girls over it, and his habitually single friends seem to always give him advice that favors him being single just like them?

Could it be that his friends want him to stay single because they are afraid they might lose him if he suddenly commits to someone else and has to put her first? It’s understandable that he goes to his friends for advice, but I’d ask him when was the last time they advised him to work on a relationship? I’m guessing never.

huntgather −  I don’t think an “extraordinary” person would unload a bunch of negative comments from his friends on to his grieving partner. You may have asked him how helping you out was impacting him, but there is no reason for him to have taken that as an opportunity to d**p those hurtful sentiments onto you.

He sounds like one of those “I just have to speak my truth” guys who doesn’t care what harm they unleash. If he can’t even de-center himself and his doubts and negative thoughts (or at least keep them to himself) while you are right in the heart of grief he probably isn’t the man who will ever stand wholly beside you as a true partner.

germainwong −  D**p the a**hole. You are going through the one of the MOST difficult chapters of your like and he is openly debating breaking up with you?
You deserve better. Take the time off and focus on yourself and on getting through this difficult period. Leave him and his toxic friends.

amaranthined −  I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Your boyfriend is unwilling to stand up for you with his friends and also has chosen to be horridly insensitive to what you’re currently going through. Both of these things are unexcusable. I have to agree with all the other commenters that you should leave him.

As a side note, I am Burmese-American and have been raised to practice Buddhism my entire life. That your BF and his friends call it esoteric and think being interested in Buddhism makes him in any way more special or wiser than you goes to show that they have fundamentally misunderstood it and they don’t know jack s**t.

You are special and deserving of kindness, thoughtfulness, and overall significantly better treatment than you have received from this man.

taw27118 −  I’m so sorry for your loss and he’s a weak piece of s**t to bring this up right now. If he isn’t committed he should end the relationship. I cannot believe a 25 year old is acting like a teenager. And this part isn’t helpful or objective, but he sounds insufferable and almost like he’s in a cult lol. Sorry but you can do better.

itsmyvoice −  He and his friends are pretentious twits. I’m sorry for your loss. /Hugs