My (26F) boyfriend (29M) won’t use his real voice and it’s becoming a problem

A Reddit user has been dating her boyfriend for five months, and everything seemed great—except for one oddity. His voice. Most of the time, he speaks in an unnaturally deep, growly tone, but in moments of surprise or sleepiness, his voice suddenly becomes much higher and more nasal.

When she finally brought it up, he completely shut down, reacting with unexpected hostility. Now she’s wondering why he’s doing this and how to approach the conversation without pushing him away. Read the original story below…

‘ My (26F) boyfriend (29M) won’t use his real voice and it’s becoming a problem’

My (26F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating for just over five months now. In all other areas, things are going pretty well thus far. We’ve met each other’s friends and I’m planning on introducing him to my family soon. My boyfriend’s voice seems to fluctuate a lot, way beyond what is normal. 99% of the time he’ll speak in this heavy, guttural voice that sounds like an action hero or something.

I know that some men have a deeper voice naturally but my boyfriend’s voice is far deeper than anyone else I know IRL. It’s practically a growl. But as we’ve been spending more time together, I’ve noticed that there are certain times his voice sounds way different.

For example, a few days ago I asked him a question in the middle of the night when he was almost asleep and his voice sounded much more normal. Whenever he’s excited or taken by surprise, he lets this other voice slip. This other voice is much higher in pitch and more… nasal-y if that makes sense? It’s nothing like the voice I associate with my boyfriend.

When we first started dating, I remember noticing that my boyfriend had a voice that was lower in pitch than average but never thought much of it. But I was watching a saved video of the two of us from a few months ago and comparing now to then there has been a significant drop in pitch.

His voice is so gravelly now that he basically sounds like the Christian Bale Batman voice if the guy had also been a chain smoker. This didn’t really seem like an issue until I was thinking about it the other day and I brought it up to my BF just out of interest.

What I wasn’t expecting was for him to absolutely shut down, telling me to ‘mind my business’ and that his voice had ‘nothing to do with’ me. Obviously this relationship is new but he’s never flipped out at me like that before. He’s actually usually a pretty good communicator. How should I handle this?

I don’t really understand the issue here or what is getting him upset, but I get the feeling it’s something we need to talk about if it’s making him react like this. I don’t know why he’d put on a voice that is so much deeper than his natural one, especially considering nobody really talks like he does in real life.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

ChienLov3r −  Maybe hes insecure about his normal voice and thinks it’s too high pitched or feminine sounding? That’s all I can think. His defensiveness about it points to insecurity and maybe hes not ready to talk about it yet

OldBus9 −  Sounds like Elizabeth Holmes from Theranos, she also faked her deep voice.

upliv2 −  He might be a superhero and trying to protect his secret identity… Or, as another poster pointed out, he could just be insecure. The fact that he couldn’t talk about it supports that as well. Maybe you could try to talk about this specific issue in writing? That might help him, if he’s insecure about it.

Nutriksator −  He dislikes his own voice, thinks it’s “unmanly”. Therefore he’s trying to cover it up to feel better about himself. I can guarantee that he’s probably been either teased or bullied because of his voice before. Reassure him is my only advice here and maybe therapy for him aswell if he’s up for it.

queenofadmin −  So everyone here has gone with the he’s doing it on purpose thing but as someone who’s had throat cancer what stood out to me is that you said it had changed over time and that he sounds like a chain smoker comment.

My voice changed over time but it was so subtle we didn’t notice. It would also range in pitch depending on how much I’d been talking or if I was more relaxed.. Perhaps an ENT visit is in order. Edit to clarify on the chain smoker part because it read like I thought he was a chain smoker not that he sounds like one.

[Reddit User] −  I have a pretty low voice. But when I haven’t spoke in awhile and I start it my voice is high. And he might be insecure about it, as the other guy said.

AptCasaNova −  Mm – I think him shutting down is probably a bigger issue than the voice thing. So you’re saying it’s getting worse – the deeper voice is being used more than when you were first dating? If he was using his ‘real voice’ less and less, I’d perhaps let it go, but the reverse is happening.

He should be comfortable being himself around you 5 months in, so that’s a concern. You could try again and mention that you care for him and want him to feel like he can be himself around you, voice or whatever. If he shuts down again, that’s a bad sign.

Rush7en −  Have you checked his eyes? Do they have cat-like features? Does he carry a silver and steel sword on his back? Is his name Geralt?

Pheaphilus −  There was a very similar post ages ago – your bf is totally putting a tough guy voice on.

Is he hiding insecurity, masking his real identity, or is there something deeper going on? Should she push for answers or respect his secrecy? What would you do in her situation? Share your thoughts below!