My [25 M] boyfriend’s [26 M] anxiety comes out severely during intim*cy.

A Reddit user opened up about their boyfriend’s severe anxiety, which has begun to affect their intimate life. Despite a loving relationship, their partner’s intrusive thoughts during intimacy often lead to self-criticism and emotional spirals, leaving the user unsure of how to address the issue without causing further distress.

The user seeks advice on how to support their boyfriend while maintaining emotional balance in their relationship. Read the full story below to learn more about their experience.

‘ My [25 M] boyfriend’s [26 M] anxiety comes out severely during intim*cy.’

Charlie and I have been together about five months now, and things really are pretty good. No major fights despite the occasional disagreement, and I’m genuinely happy being with him. That said, his anxiety has started coming out really horribly during intimacy, and I’m not really sure what to do about it.

He has a diagnosis and a regular therapist, and intellectually, I know he cannot help it when those nervous thoughts c**ep out. I can deal with it from day-to-day and try to be the best support I can be. But lately, sexy time has literally devolved into me having to lay there and comfort him 3/4 times we’re in bed.

The act itself is good. No complaints. But if I’m not vocal enough, he descends into calling himself a “stupid failure who can’t please me.” And then I hold him, assure him he’s not, and repeatedly tell him I’m not leaving him. If I’m too vocal, I’m “faking it to make him feel better” and once again, it’s my job to lay there and comfort him.

Either way, we’re done for the night. I came out late. Charlie was my first everything. Being romantic with him is a large place of vulnerability for me, and I just don’t know what to do when this happens.

I want to be supportive and understand it’s not “about me.” He can’t help mental illness. But I’d love advice on how to broach this. We need to talk about it. But I’m afraid of sending him spiraling.

See what others had to share with OP:

altonin −  I’ve been in relationships with guys like this and I’ve been the guy like this (not for anxiety reasons, but similar enough), and as a stopgap in the moment, I really recommend agreeing on silence. As in, when he’s feeling anxious there’s a signal that says we’re going to be silent and just hold each other for a bit.

No words, no endless tiring comfort, just a moment of silence that always means ‘you’ve done nothing wrong, let’s sit through this’. This won’t fix anything but it’s a strategy in the moment.

faerystrangeme −  So, anxiety actually gets *worse* the more you feed it; when you jump in to reassure his anxious feelings away (and when your BF asks/lets you do so), your BF never gets the chance to actually process them himself, and strengthen his coping mechanisms.

Like a muscle that atrophies without use, the more he turns to external ‘fixes’ (you), the less he’ll be able to function by himself. This is, of course, hard to balance, because you do want him to be able to discuss things and bring up concerns with you. Luckily, your BF has a professional to consult!

Have your boyfriend ask his therapist for suggestions on ways to handle his post-coital anxiety spikes, and how best you can support him. (Note that your best support might not actually be reassurance!) In the meantime, see if you can cut off these anxiety spirals at their source by saying gently “Are you concerned about X because you’ve noticed a pattern,

or was this just a one-off event that’s worrying you? Can we revisit this concern if it becomes a pattern?” “BF I am happy to periodically reiterate that I had a great time and am happy with the relationship, but this thing where I have to repeatedly reassure you *in the same conversation* kinda feels like you don’t believe me when I say these things.

It stings to be asked to reassure you of my \[love for you/care for you/happiness with relationships\], only to be indirectly called a l**r. I’m 95% sure it’s just the anxiety talking and you don’t actually believe this, but from now on I’m going to start saying these things only once per conversation.

Can you talk to your therapist about ways to try to cut off this spiral as it begins? If they have any suggestions for me to help you, I’d love to hear them.” “Do you really believe that, or is that the anxiety talking?” (This last one, use carefully – it’s intended to be a gentle reality check, but it *can* come across as invalidating of actual feelings.)

AnaplasticPragmatism −  He needs to know that this, having to lay there and comfort him 3/4 times we’re in bed cannot possibly be comfortable or fun for *anybody*.
Anxiety is not a d**th sentence for normalcy or happiness. It can be managed. A large part of that management is consideration for others.

It isn’t nice to make your anxiety someone else’s problem. It isn’t kind to make them care for you in what could be a vulnerable moment for them. Sounds like Charlie needs more awareness of how his actions are affecting you. Tell him how this specific behavior makes *you* feel.

substiccount −  I came out late. Charlie was my first everything. This may be clouding your better judgement on this one. All signs point to Charlie absolutely not being ready for a relationship or quite frankly much intimacy. He has some individual work to do with his diagnosis and it’s probably best if you let go of this relationship in the meantime.

Phobos75 −  He can’t help mental illness. Nope but he can treat it. His regular therapist isn’t working if this is what is happening on a regular basis. It just as an unfun experience for him as it is for you so whhhhhbyyyyyy hasn’t he done something? Meds, a new therapist, and possibly an additional therapist that specializes in s**.

This could be more than anxiety too: low self worth, insecurity, baggage from previous experiences, etc. Just tell him. Yeah, it will s**k and he may spiral a little. If he starts going off on how you’ll leave him, don’t reassure him. Its tempting, I know, but it doesn’t help. Let him go on for a while without saying anything and when you can:

“did I say i was going to leave you?” He may flounder about how it will eventually lead to that but ask your question again until ue simmers down. Then frame it as “this bothers both of us, what are your next (medical) options to treat this” and make it clear this current course of action no longer works

Sachroni616 −  I would slow things down for awhile. It sounds like he’s getting o**rwhelmed with the thoughts racing through his head, so simple intimacy might be what he needs to process things a little at a time. Do you ever give each other massages?

Or try meditating together. It sounds silly, but it might help him more easily center himself with you in close proximity. Don’t feel like the burden is on you to “fix” this. So long as he knows he can talk to you, that’s what is most important.

travelbug898 −  Tbh OP, this does not sound like a guy who is ready for a serious intimate relationship OP. How long can you handle this before you end up resenting this guy?

CanadianFemale −  You’re really reinforcing his negative behaviour by spending so much time comforting him. It’s actually enabling it. He can’t help the *thoughts* that crop up, but he *can* help how he chooses to respond.

Can you go in with him to a few therapy sessions and get some support/advice on how best to handle things on your end? You’re sacrificing your happiness for his comfort, and that’s not fair. That’s what people call co-dependent.

I don’t mean that as a judgement, and I know you’re trying to be a loving and supportive partner. Part of that means setting limits and taking care of you and your needs, too. And he also needs to reciprocate and support you.

Mabelisms −  I dunno, I mean… I don’t think I would be sticking around. I don’t want to sound like an a**hole, but this isn’t something you can fix, and it isn’t something you have to take on as a partner.

Squirrelthing −  This does not sound healthy for either of you