My (21M) girlfriend (22F) got into a wheelchair. Don’t know if we’re compatible anymore.

A 21-year-old man is struggling with the emotional weight of his girlfriend’s recent life-changing accident, which left her in a wheelchair. While she remains positive, he is grappling with feelings of uncertainty about their future together. He has been devoted to her, but the reality of caregiving and the limitations on their future together are causing him to question their relationship.

Despite loving her deeply, he is conflicted about whether he can continue in the relationship long-term and whether it’s fair to both of them. He feels guilty for even considering breaking up, but isn’t sure what to do.

‘ My (21M) girlfriend (22F) got into a wheelchair. Don’t know if we’re compatible anymore.’

I know the title is horrible and everyone is going to call me an a**hole but this is the truth. She got into a bad accident 3 months ago and is now in a wheelchair, presumably for the rest of her life. She’s handling it like a champ. We’ve cried together a lot, but she’s the most positive person I know. Always keeps her head up even after this.

And I love her immensely, we are highschool sweethearts been together for 5 years. But everything that has happened has made me second guess our relationship. Recently I had a talk with someone and she mentioned how tough all this must be for me. Honestly I didn’t really think about myself the ever since the accident, all I cared for was my girlfriend.

But we kept talking and I ended up breaking down, because right there was the moment where I realized that this also has an impact on me, and our relationship. One thing that keeps repeating in my head is when she asked if I was my gf’s caregiver. She has help that comes a few times a week, but I help her out whenever I can, though she doesn’t always want me to.

And if we stay together that’s never going to change. I know how cruel this sounds but she will always be in a wheelchair. There’s so much in the world we wanted to discover and do together but we can’t do it together anymore and it so so breaks my heart. I am really bad at putting my thoughts into words sorry, I just don’t really know what to write.

I love her to the moon and back. But then I think, what kind of boyfriend am I if breaking up with her even crosses my mind. We were planning to get engaged next year. She’s always so happy to see me and knows I’ve had issues dealing with the accident. She’s so selfless it’s not even funny.

S** hasn’t really been working and she herself suggested I get a FWB so I don’t get frustrated. But I don’t know if that will fix anything and quite frankly, I don’t want anybody else but her. Sorry for this mess and I’m not an English speaker. Any way this is sort of like a vent but I don’t know what to do. I sincerely don’t. I know I should talk to her but I don’t even know what to say to her, or how.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Gonebabythoughts −  I think you should probably talk to a therapist about all of this, to help you sort it out. Find one that specializes in inter-abled relationships (they can help with the s** thing too). Lots of people who use a wheelchair live lives full of travel and adventure, but you have to do what is right for you.

ZacksJerryRig −  I met my wife after she had already been in an accident. (She’s been paralyzed for 14 years, waist down.) And it was scary at first. Realizing that I was falling in love with someone who had a disability. I had never contemplated, or even thought about that scenario before.

But as we dated, I realized that she was the strongest most interesting person I’ve ever met, or would ever meet. And I didn’t want to live without her. So we got married. Its different. But we both love a challenge, and problem solving, and figuring things out. It sounds like your girlfriend is a fighter. And she’s ready to move forward. Remember there is no pressure at all on you.

You are free to make your own decision and live your own life. You can always choose ‘normal’ nobody would blame you. But I can tell you, even though our life isn’t “normal”, it is rewarding and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Edit: My wife would like to add that she had a high school sweet heart that she was dating when she got injured.

And they didn’t end up together. (Lucky for me) You are both young. Don’t stress about it right now. Just give it time. There really is no rush. Your current situation is not going to stay the same, she’s going to learn more and be more comfortable with her injury, and the new lifestyle will become more independent as time goes on.

These last few months are not a snapshot of what the rest of your life would be like. You don’t have to stay, you don’t have to leave. Just give it time. No pressure. Just be yourselves. And know that things get better. Feel free to DM if you have any questions.

amselil −  Don’t know if this might be helpful for you but there’s a fantastic YouTube channel called Squirmy and Grubs. They are an inter-abled couple and show their lives together!

LuckyNumberSleven7 −  My advice to you is seek out someone who went through the same as you. I have seen so many stories and the ones I’ve seen are so beautiful. They talk about the changes and the romance and the relationship. This might help you huge. There’s a lot of things she still can do but just doesn’t know it yet. I really think you will get the best advice from someone who has been in your shoes.

blahdee-blah −  Living with disability is difficult both for the person who becomes disabled and the partner. Will life remain exactly as it was? No. Does I’m disability mean the end to intimacy, adventures are travel? Not necessarily. You’ve said elsewhere that you don’t find therapy helpful, but adapting to this situation is a huge mental change, unless you have already decided you don’t want to do so.

It sounds as though you have placed more limits on the future than your girlfriend; you may be surprised how much travelling a wheelchair user can do. Speaking as a person who became disabled, intimacy can be a challenge. Depending on your gf’s situation it might mean learning different ways to be together and enjoy each other’s bodies.

You’re both young, and my heart aches for you. You aren’t any less compatible on a personal level than you ever were. Unfortunately disability means that a partner has to take on some extra elements. My husband is my carer – he looks after the house, gets me up when I need it. That doesn’t get in the way of our intimacy. He’s be furious if anyone suggested otherwise.

But we’ve been together for 20 years and have had time to adapt. Try not to think in extremes – only you can decide what you want from this relationship and whether you’re in a position to continue it. Honestly, the fact that you are posting here suggests you might benefit from the non-judgemental opportunity of therapy

PixelsAreYourFriends −  She suggested I get a FWB so I don’t get frustrated. That poor girl. That breaks my heart.

Phenoix512 −  Ok honestly I want to share something with you that might help your younger than me im 35 male back in 2015 I wrecked my back and had a lot of nerve issues even struggling to get up and sleep. I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t always control my legs. I figured I was eventually was going to be wheelchair bound I was struggling to walk with a cane 20 feet.

Now yeah your GF probably won’t be getting out of the chair and honestly it sucks for both of you. But your lives are not over and the thing’s you want to do are still possible. I regularly workout and I can walk without a cane or pain 99% of the time. You might have to help her get around thing’s like steps but you can have the life you want.

The question is do you want to stick around because every relationship will have these moments of toughness

0drag −  IMO, it’s all up to this statement- “I don’t want anybody else but her.” If you mean that, you will make it work. She’s in a wheelchair, not dead. Here’s a clue- people in wheelchairs can travel the world too!

ImNotOpposed −  If you want to leave her it doesn’t make you a bad person. BUT keep in mind that with her personality it sounds like things will only get better for her. I have a friend, in a wheelchair since 28. He’s handsome, professionally successful AND travels the world for work and pleasure. He has many different sets of wheels for different occasions, sand, racing, daily.

His wheelchair breaks down easily, he’s able to transfer himself to his car (modified so he can drive it) from his wheelchair, breakdown his wheelchair and throw it in his car, all by himself. He scopes out restaurants and other hot spots to make sure they’re wheelchair accessible and when attending friend’s house parties sometimes a couple guys have to carry him up a couple steps in the house.

I won’t say this doesn’t affect him but he’s definitely not excluded from the best parts of life. If she’s The One, I suspect this will all matter less in time. Just look into options follow some kick ass ppl in wheelchairs on Instagram and consider what the future might look like.

Do you think the boyfriend is being unreasonable for questioning the future of his relationship, or is his struggle with their new reality understandable? How should he approach this delicate conversation with his girlfriend without causing further hurt? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!