Me [35M] with my wife [33F] of 9 years, wants to give up our daughters for adoption

A Reddit user (35M) shared a deeply unsettling revelation about his wife (33F) of 9 years, who recently admitted she regrets having their two young daughters (5 and 3) and wants to put them up for adoption. The shocking conversation has left him contemplating whether to seek legal advice, mental health support, or both as he decides how to protect his children and move forward. Read the full story below:

‘ Me [35M] with my wife [33F] of 9 years, wants to give up our daughters for adoption’

My wife and I have been together since college and got married a little while after she graduated. When we first got together she told me she didn’t really like kids and while I was a little disappointed, I didn’t care too much about it. I didn’t feel very strongly about it either way. We were very in love and things were perfect for a good while.

Her birth control failed six years ago, and I told her that I would support whatever choice she made. She scheduled an a**rtion, but backed out the day before and we became loving and enthusiastic parents. Later on down the road, she decided she wanted another child and so we had our second daughter. They are five and three years old, and absolutely perfect.

They are both very well behaved and ahead of the curve for kids their ages. Another thing that’s worth mentioning, my wife is a SAHM. My job is very demanding and I am out of town for weeklong stretches at a time once a month, and then 9-6 the rest of the month. I’ve had this schedule since we were married, basically. I make good money, in the low six figures, and we’ve never had any kind of financial struggles.

For the past few months, I’ve known something was up with my wife. She is obviously the primary caretaker of our daughters, but recently she’s been completely hands off when I’m at home. I don’t mind spending the extra time with my daughters taking care of them, but it’s more than that. She will completely ignore them while I’m around.

If they ask her for anything at all she tells them “go ask Daddy” and will go in our bedroom and lock the door to get away from them. I’ve been asking her if she’s alright, and she had been insisting everything was fine until last night. After we put the kids to bed, she came to me and sat me down at the table.

She started talking about fun things we had done right after we got married, what a great adventure everything had been, just generally reminiscing. She was being sweet and funny and loving and my guard was down. She said “back before we had the girls, we could do anything we wanted. I wish we could go back to that.” I asked her what she meant.

After much prodding she admitted that she regretted having kids. I said that there were times where I felt o**rwhelmed too, but that I would always love our daughters. She got quiet. She mumbled something and I asked her to say it again. She yelled “I DON’T LOVE THEM” and then started sobbing.

I sat there with my mouth hanging open. She composed herself and then started talking again. She was saying how she had been looking into adoption agencies and foster care. She had contacted one agency already. She was making plans to give away my CHILDREN.

I continued to listen, too dumbfounded to say a word, as she babbled on about how amazing it’s going to be to have our lives back, how great our relationship will be when we don’t have kids anymore. I didn’t know what to do. I let her talk herself out, and when she went to bed I went and got my babies, packed some things, and drove to my mother’s house.

I called in sick to work today. I told them I’d probably be out the rest of the week. I have a ton of missed calls, voicemails, and texts from my wife. I haven’t looked at any of them. I’ve spent the day talking to my mom about things and keeping the girls occupied. My mom doesn’t know what to do either.

I’m thinking I have a couple of options: start calling lawyers or start calling mental health professionals. Maybe both. I don’t know if she’s having some kind of psychotic delusion or if she’s just that awful of a person. I really don’t want to go back home to her now. Ever. I’m thinking divorce is the best choice, but I can’t take care of my kids on my own. What should my next move be? Should I try to call my wife?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

JokersHarlequin −  Okay I’m going to get downvoted to Hell and back but I think she’s completely at fault here. Yes she may need professional help, yes she may be burned out but for God’s sake, SHE ALREADY CALLED AN AGENCY BEHIND OP’S BACK!! She’s already started the steps towards getting rid of their children!

Right now he needs to make sure his children are safe and together with him. His wife made a decision to not have the first a**rtion, and she “wanted” to have a second child. She’s now making the decision to get rid of their children because she regrets it. I understand that she’s o**rwhelmed, that she may be completely burned out or that she may have never wanted children.

But the fact that she took that step without speaking to her husband about it before hand is sickening. And then continued on to talk about how “their lives” will go back to the way it was before and all the stuff they could do. OP please look after your children. Once they are safe and out of the equation please help your wife seek the helps she needs.

indil47 −  I… don’t know what’s up with people in here. A woman goes behind her husband’s back to call an adoption agency, and everyone is jumping on *him?*
Yes, she needs help. But also, yes, he did the RIGHT THING in packing the kids up and taking them to his mother’s. The children come FIRST AND FOREMOST.

CraazyMike −  Any person who says they don’t live their children and have called adoption agencies, all the while dreaming up a new childless life for her and he spouse.. Is CLEARLY in crisis. Get her some help.

Lynjamin08 −  Just out of curiosity, I know the girls are little, but have you asked them how mommy is when your not there? Not to say she would n**lect them, but that’s just an interesting situation to me. What’s life like when dad is gone?

I think you’re doing the right thing removing the girls from the situation. It sounds like she needs some sort of help. I hope it works out for all of you. Good luck dude! You sound like a pretty good Dad.

goateyes −  I don’t know why everyone is being so hard on you for taking your babies over to your mom’s place when YOUR WIFE HAD BEEN CONTACTING ADOPTION AGENCIES WITHOUT YOU!!!! That is nuts! Totally nuts! Your reaction is completely understandable, holy crap. That said: I think that marriage counseling and individual counseling are in order. And a nanny. And everything u/hopefulthr0waway says.

ETA: Keep your kids at your mom’s place as long as you can, they shouldn’t be around your wife if it can be avoided. Also, talk to a lawyer. If you divorce your wife, what would the alimony situation be like? I mean, I feel like you OUGHT to be given primary custody, if it comes to that, and if you’re making six figures you can probably hire someone to help you take care of them.

thekingdomcoming −  Dude I’m reading half these replies, and they’re s**t. Consulting an adoption agency before talking to you is absolutely not okay. Legally though taking the kids and running I feel like could put you in a lot of trouble. Definitely consult a lawyer. As a dad, I completely get where you’re coming from, if my wife to be did that with our son I’d be scared shitless of what she’d try to do.

I would also consult a psychiatrist or a counselor on what you should do for your wife. Personally I don’t know how to approach this. I know that’s definitely a scary situation and you’re not the devil. She’s got a lot of issues and just sounds really immature and living in the good old days, and is just going off her emotions, like really hardcore. That’s not expert advice at all though.. Good luck.. Edit: mobile

thebabes2 −  I’ve had PPD, I’ve been a SAHM and have been through bouts of depression and anxiety but I have never, in my life considered giving up my children, much less taking active steps to do it. OPs wife may be the primary caregiver, but it sounds like she has it alright.

Her youngin’s are out of the house a lot during the week for PreK, she gets regular “grownup” time with her friends and her husband and she doesn’t have to sweat financials because they are stable. There were times when we had almost none of those things and still kept standing. There is something truly, seriously wrong here.

She’s obviously in need of mental help, however, OPs primary concern right now should be those kids. I’d go as far as to say this woman should not be left alone with them, period. She called local agencies!! She cannot be trusted and is not in her right mind.

OPs mom should watch them if he has to return to work. Get a lawyer ASAP even if you consider staying married to your wife. Make sure that your parental rights and your children are protected from this sick woman.

[Reddit User] −  Start with the mental health angle. I’ve read accounts from some mothers that when they were in the grip of postpartum depression, they felt nothing for their babies, couldn’t bond with them. Is it possible that your wife has been faking it all this time, thinking she’s irreparably incapable of loving the girls, when maybe she’s just in need of medical intervention?

And of course, some people simply aren’t cut out to be parents, and unfortunately don’t figure that out until they’ve been muddling miserably along for years. Whatever is going on with your wife, thank god those little girls have you.

I tend to defend people’s behavior by raising the possibility of legitimate illness, but your wife’s having gone behind your back to research *giving up your babies* is a whole other level of disconnect. I wish you and your girls all the best.

strange_people −  Your wife sounds like she has a serious problem. You did the right thing to take the kids and leave the house. She was contacting an adoption agency and her talk about leading a life without the kids certainly was giving me some chills down the spine.

Please get her help before you let her near the kids again – she is sick, has fantasies living without them, she says she does not love them – it will not hurt her if she has some time off them. I think this is a temporary state. You would not have had the second baby otherwise. She just needs some help at the moment.. Wish you well.

[Reddit User] −  Don’t move straight to divorce. This could be an acute mental health issue that can be resolved. Wanting to give your kids up for adoption is NOT normal.. Talk to her and tell her: 1. **That adoption is absolutely not an option.**

That if she decides **she** doesn’t want to be a full-time parent anymore, you could get a divorce, *you would take custody of the kids*, and you would expect her to have regular visits with them (and help cover the costs of raising them once she has a job). But you’d like to try therapy for her first if she’s up for it, and reassess over the next few months how she is feeling.

2. That she absolutely must get into therapy right away. 2x weekly individual sessions for her, 1x a week for you two together. 3. That she should start applying to jobs so that she can get outside of the house. And potentially support herself after the possible divorce that she has essentially requested. 4. That you guys will do a date night every weekend.

5. That a nanny (and your mom?) will pick up the bulk of the childcare from now on. I’d lock down any accounts you’d rather she not have access to and have a quiet consultation with a divorce lawyer now just to get your ducks in a row. **Do NOT leave her alone with the kids for the foreseeable future. You don’t want some sort of tragedy where she really goes off the deep end and hurts them. I know it sounds impossible, but it’s not. She’s clearly unstable.**

Edit to add: The therapist’s records could also be subpoenaed someday for a custody battle if needed (doesn’t sound like she’d want custody, but…) so it will help to get documentation of her current state.

Parenting can be overwhelming, but when one partner expresses regret to such an extreme, it raises serious concerns about family dynamics and mental health. How should this father approach the situation to ensure the best outcome for his children? Share your thoughts below.