Me [31F] with my friend [39M], been good friends for two years. I have cancer and am not going to live a whole lot longer. Should I tell him I have feelings for him even though nothing is going to come of it, probably?

A 31-year-old woman facing terminal cancer is grappling with whether to share her feelings with her close friend, a man she’s had undeniable chemistry with for two years. Knowing her time is limited, she struggles with the idea of leaving this world without letting him know, even if she doesn’t expect anything to come of it. Read her heartfelt story below.

‘ Me [31F] with my friend [39M], been good friends for two years. I have cancer and am not going to live a whole lot longer. Should I tell him I have feelings for him even though nothing is going to come of it, probably?’

Chemo is very, very not sexy. So it’s not like I think I’ll tell him and he’ll be like “oh god, let’s bone right here!” or he’ll make some grand gesture about having a relationship with me til my time comes.

That isn’t what I want, nor why I want to do it. I get really sad when I think about dying without telling him how I feel. We’ve always had ridiculous chemistry, we were just never single at the same time while I was still healthy.

tl;dr: Should I tell him I’m in love? How? And since I don’t think there’s going to be a lot of time left or that he would want to be with me anyway…is this a good idea?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

streambeck −  Beyond having lost some folks to illness, I don’t think I (or anyone) have the right to suggest anything, but here it is: Let it fly. Tell the guy you like him. Tell everyone which Spider-Man movie is your favorite, or that you don’t give a s**t about Spider-Man.
Let people know when you think they’ve been s**tty. Do absolutely everything within your power to let the world know that you’ve been here and you have an opinion about it.

You are beholden to no one. Do you, and do it proudly and obnoxiously. Worst case scenario, the guy doesn’t reciprocate your feelings and it’s awkward for a bit but you move on. Best case scenario, he likes you back, you guys have a lovely time while you can, and the world is better off because people loved each other for a bit. It’s unfair that you’re leaving us, but it’s spectacular that you’re here. Be here as loudly as you can.

ohlawdwat −  yeah. you should tell him now. just tell him the truth in whatever simple honest words you can come up with. don’t beat around the bush, just tell him what’s going on. it might be important. there’s also a chance (however high or low) that you might survive and make it and end up having this be the start of a new life with this guy, or at least a good part of your life before it ends.

psychodynamic1 −  As a former hospice worker, I’ve spoken with hundreds of people about their lives, their choices, and what they wish they had done or regret. It’s true what they say, we tend to regret what we didn’t do, not what we did. In your case, and if I try to put myself in your shoes, if you have feelings, I suggest sharing them. This goes for people who have terminal diagnoses as well as people who may die in their 90s. I wish you all the best and strength to be courageous!

AromaticHydrocarbons −  For you, OP, my favourite quote: “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” – Louise Erdrich. Tell him how you feel, and taste all the apples in your life.

rosengrace −  This might be an unpopular opinion but I don’t think you should tell him. Yes you will feel good telling him but you will be gone and he will be left with this. What kind of emotion will he then carry with him for his life? Regret? Not being able to be with you? Awkwardness? He doesn’t reciprocate and then his memory of you with tainted by this. I think you should tell him how important his friendship is to you but maybe not go further into the feelings. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

tnguo −  I don’t see why you can’t tell someone that you love them, especially in a situation like yours. It might be a bit problematic if he is currently in a relationship but I would still do it because I wouldn’t want any regrets. I’d try not to make it a depressing moment, though, and just focus on the good memories and being grateful for having his friendship and support. I’d also make sure to verbalize to him why you are telling him now, and what expectations, if any, you have for him by giving him this information. He might not be expecting it and may be confused about what he should do.

Ontheroadagain123 −  I have a stage 4 cancer. No idea how much time I have left. The thing I’ve learned the most in the past couple years is to stop giving a f**k what other people think. I try to not be a d**k, but it’s my life. I interviewed for a new job in a new city yesterday. I told them about the cancer (not all the gory details), so that if they hire me, they will never feel that I was dishonest with them.

My suggestion to everyone is to live the life you want. Don’t wait for cancer to teach you a lesson. To the OP, do what you want to do. If you want to tell him, go for it. It could result in some amazing times in your remaining time. If he doesn’t reciprocate, so what? You haven’t lost anything. If, in your heart, you think it’s wrong to put some kind of pressure on him, then follow that path. It’s your life. You get to choose.

Isimagen −  I was flipping channels earlier this evening and saw an old favorite on Turner Classic Movies. 24 hours of Rosalind Russell movies. *Auntie Mame* was the film. So why am I bringing up some old movie? Because to me that film is all about just grabbing the life we have by the balls and living it through love, lost love, illness, and poverty. One popular quote from the movie is: “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” Highly recommend this movie if you haven’t seen it.

Tell him. It may or may not turn out as you anticipate but you’ll have lived some more on your own terms! Good luck. I hope life is long and healthy for you and you can fight this to win!

TsukasaHimura −  It is okay for OP to tell him how she feels as long as she stresses how she doesn’t expect anything in return. OP can tell him, “I like you. If I were not sick, I would like to know you on a deeper level. I guess we will be friends only.”

Nayuskarian −  The ones you love will hurt once you’re gone. They will hurt no matter what. It’s because they love you that they will hurt but that love won’t disappear. My best friend died without saying goodbye when I was 16 (not her choice). Her uncle gave her belongings to her friends and I found her letters where she mentioned she was too afraid to tell me how she felt for teenage reasons. I wish she would have told me because I loved her too.

Your situation is different, I understand that, but you have nothing to lose. If you tell your friend you are in love with them now, they will carry that the rest of their lives as something beautiful and untouchable. Incorruptible, regardless of how they feel. Like another poster said, you only really regret the things you didn’t do. I wish 16 year old me had had the courage to admit I was falling in love, but now I won’t ever have that chance.

I still think of her often, fifteen years later. The knowledge she loved me is beautiful and calming (totally just how I’ve come to cope). Even though I realize, at 31, that it wasn’t “love” as I know it now. It’s still something no one and nothing can touch. I will carry it forever and I am happy to carry that.